Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Getting Jiggy With It

Yesterday, in a vain attempt to break out of my usual exercise routine, I popped a new DVD into the player; Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease, to be exact. I have had the DVD for… I don’t even know how long and I thought that it seemed like the perfect day to break the seal and try something new.

The video starts with Carmen and two prostitutes…I mean…dancers…dressed in terry cloth shorts and short-sleeved zippered hoodies circa 1979. If you are picturing Crissy Snow from Three’s Company, there you have it. Anyhoo, Carmen, Crissy and Janet start us off with a nice, albeit smutty, warm-up and we’re off!

The head rolls with accompanying hair toss, I got down pat. Rocking the hips side to side took a bit more practice. Aggressively gyrating the hips while simultaneously thrusting the chest forward and sucking the index finger on the right hand while maintaining an alluring facial expression? I sucked exponentially. In fact, random onlookers would have easily mistaken me for a seizing epileptic rather than for an alluring, sexy, albeit, smutty, stripper.

To sum up: I will never be fit for an occupation that requires stilettos, a pole and pasties complete with tassels and, if you have ever seen me naked, you just breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Also, it’s probably time to renew my gym membership.

In other news, school is almost over and the kids appear to realize this. And, by that I mean; they have the spring fever and are driving me crazy with the countdown.

Plus, the Man-Cub has yet to produce a single shred of homework this week which leads me to wonder if a) he is so phenomenally advanced that he finished every assignment at school or b) he is stashing his homework in his desk and…la,la,la…what homework? A call to his teacher is probably in order.

Speaking of the Man-Cub (oh my, it’s a velvety-smooth segue river today!), I have managed to produce a suitable box lunch for the child for the majority of his lunches this year. Why he so adamantly refuses to eat cafeteria food, I do not know; his sister certainly seems to enjoy it. But, that isn’t the point, the point is; I have managed to crank out a number of original and tasty box lunches. Unfortunately, I have now exhausted my arsenal of box-lunch knowledge. Repeating the menu is leading the child to rebel and, there may be bloodshed.

As an aside, when making the choice between Swiss and cheddar cheeses, is it too much to ask that the child not sob “I can’t decide! I can’t make up my minds!”? Because, seriously, it’s CHEESE. Also, make up your MINDS?

Whatever, Sybil.

He’s just lucky I don’t try my new striptease moves in front of him; that would ruin his appetite forever.

On the other hand, no more racking my brains to come up with clever lunchbox items; maybe I shouldn’t be too hasty about throwing that DVD in the yard-sale pile.

3 comments:

Mercy's Maid said...

The Carmen Electra video that you speak of is best viewed after consuming a bottle of wine.

And yes, the whole finger in the mouth threw me off too. It kind of reminded me of when Dr. Evil bites his finger.

Jen said...

Well. I guess I won't recommend the pole dancing aerobics class then. ;) I think I'll pass on this DVD. LOL!

Finlands finest said...

Try bellydancing--much better than stripteases!!