Thursday Thirteen, Edition Six:
Thirteen Reasons Why I Am Smarter Than Most Girls in Horror Movies
1. When I rent a secluded cabin next to a lake with a bunch of my friends, I know better than to get drunk and sex it up with my boyfriend while everyone else gathers wood, toasts marshmallows, unpacks the kayaks or whatever the hell else one does at a secluded cabin next to a lake.
2. I don’t smoke weed. Or, crack. Or, whatever it is that you kids are doing these days.
3. I am a white female. Everyone knows that the skinny white prude is always the last one standing.
4. I know better than to assume that the guy standing in the doorway wearing a mask and holding a bloody knife is really just my boyfriend trying to be cute.
5. I know that time spent screaming would be better spent running.
6. Also, when running, it is unwise to look over one’s shoulder to see if the knife-wielding homicidal lunatic is still chasing one. In this case, it is safe to assume that he is.
7. When I run to the neighboring cabin seeking help and, I find the door ajar and the lights off, I know better than to go inside.
8. I am also aware that hiding in an enclosed space is just plain stupid. Because, if I turn around, I will find the dead body of one of my friends, causing me to scream thus alerting the super-human homicidal maniac to my whereabouts.
9. As opposed to most women in horror films, I have the ability to run without tripping over my own feet. It's a gift.
10. I know that one bullet, blow to the head, knife gash to the carotid artery, etc. is not enough to kill a super-human homicidal maniac. Therefore, I would never drop the gun, baseball bat or knife, and drop to my knees while crying in relief.
11. I would also not be stupid enough to lean over the “dead” super-human homicidal manic to make sure he is dead. He is never dead; hello, super-human!
12. I look in the back seat prior to getting in a car even when super-human homicidal maniacs aren’t chasing me with a bloody knife or a whizzing chainsaw.
13. Most importantly, I can get the key in the ignition on the first try.
Can you tell Hugh and I have been watching a lot of horror movies recently? Yes; I blame Netflix. On the other hand, in the unlikely event that I am ever stranded at a secluded cabin in the woods with a super-human homicidal maniac and I live to tell the tale, I will totally have Netflix to thank.
And, you know, Jamie Lee Curtis.
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