Thursday Thirteen, edition Eight:
Thirteen Ways to Screw up a Perfectly Good Wednesday
1. Immediately upon awakening, discover a steaming pile of cat puke. With your foot.
2. Stumble to the kitchen for a cup of coffee only to discover that you have no coffee.
3. Make a quick jaunt to the nearby convenience store for emergency java. Pour it down your gullet like it is the last cup of coffee on the face of the earth. Discover, too late, that it consists of a quarter inch of coffee ground sludge on the bottom of the cup. Try not to vomit. Fail.
4. Realize that you are now running late for work. Rush home to shower. No hot water, of course.
5. Arrive at work slightly behind schedule, sweaty, flustered and out of breath.
6. Spend the next four hours fending off a stray hair that is determined to poke you in the eye until you go blind.
7. Which reminds you that your son has an appointment for vision therapy in the town forty minutes away. Realize this forty-five minutes before said appointment.
8. Spend twenty minutes stuck in road construction on the way to appointment.
9. Try to call the vision therapist to tell her you will be late, no cell phone service. Of course.
10. Catch one small break when you remember that you have a car phone, thanks to the money your husband sends to OnStar. Call the clinic, get a busy signal. Of course.
11. Develop a headache, courtesy of the asphalt fumes.
12. Upon returning home later that evening, get into an argument with your teenage daughter. Make her cry.
13. In the piece de résistance, accidentally slip on the staircase; take the last ten steps on your ass. Thank the good lord for tender mercies; you could have been seriously injured were it not for the natural protection you have in the form of the fat pad you recently accumulated on said ass. Call it a day and go to bed. Pray for a better day, tomorrow.
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