Monday, September 25, 2017

Meanwhile, In Petticoat Junction

The Man-Cub had a phenomenal birthday; he climbed a mountain in the rain forest, hung over a cliff on the beach, and teased a school of sharks in the bay.

I'm not worried. I'm not worried at all.


While he was enjoying his birthday weekend, I was striking a deal with Satan.

Well, not actually with Satan, but, with his tools, and, by tools, I mean my orthotics. Remember them? No? Can't say that I blame you; I stopped bitching about them years ago. You know, when I stopped wearing them because they were determined to kill me.


Flash forward to today, when I am having so much trouble with my feet, I am loathe to take my first step each morning. It doesn't get much better with each of the 10,000 steps that I have committed to take throughout the day, either.

So, I am back to the torture devices orthotics, which are, in all honesty, actually helping with the pain that radiates from my foot up my shins and around my inner thighs. They create a really odd stride for me, but, maybe I'll get used to it.

You know, eventually.

Still of the devil, though. Not changing my mind about that.

On a totally unrelated topic, (well, not totally unrelated, I mean, it happened while I was on my first orthotic-wearing-walk-around the park), I saw the strangest thing yesterday.

Yes, even stranger than the previous run-on sentence.

I saw....wait for it...SPIDERMAN.

In the park.

So, ok, it was a teenager dressed like Spiderman, but, I mean, he was full-on dressed like Spiderman, we're talking tight body suit, mask, boots, all of it. And, he was crouching on top of a pole in the classic Spiderman squat while his friend video taped him, or took pictures, or whatever.

I figured it was for a school project or some random YouTube channel or his college applications or something, so, I walked by them as nonchalantly as I could muster, which, they seemed to appreciate. Because, yeah, they probably thought they looked ridiculous or something. Bitch, please, I raised the Man-Cub; there isn't a lot of awkward geeky teen aged boy stuff that I haven't seen. Your secret is safe with me.

And now, I can say that I shared the park with a super hero. Sure beats the hell out of the disk-golf players I usually share the park with; they areusually trying their damn best to slice my head off with their stupid plastic Frisbees.

I'll take the web-slinger over decapitation, any day.

Saturday, September 23, 2017


This is the second time that I have used the word "Nineteen" as a title for a post on this blog, which, makes sense considering that this is the second time that a child of mine has turned nineteen.

Yes. Nineteen.

The Man-Cub is 19 today; try wrapping your brain around that one. I mean, it was just yesterday that he came sliding into this world, hand-first and ready to charm. And, charm he does.

I posted a birthday message on Facebook this morning, using black and white photos that the Cub allowed me to take over the years, and, I commented on the fact that, despite my chosen photo medium, the Cub has brought nothing but color to our lives, and, that's no exaggeration; he is nothing if not colorful. And, joyful. And, enthusiastic.

I miss his laughter on the daily. I miss his ability to make me smile and to belly laugh even when I don't particularly feel like laughing. I miss the light that he brings to our household, but, damn, I am so proud of his independence and enthusiasm for life.

Happy birthday, Cub! We love you.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Friday Favorites: Snapchat Filter Edition

Like other parents of a certain age, I have been forced to adopt technology in order to stay current, hip, and connected to my children. I was already a pro at Facebook, Instagram and I are old friends, and, of course I text, Facetime, and Tweet (although, not so much on the Tweets, because, truth be told; I dislike the Twitter).

The latest, greatest, technology is, of course, Snapchat. And, people? I am a Snapchattin' fool. I love snapping! I love sending a technologically manipulated image of myself to my friends and family and I especially love one filter in particular.

It's awesome! Giant head? Buggy eyes? Who doesn't love big heads and buggy eyes?!

And, when you record a video, it changes your voice in a most amusing way.


I seriously use this filter for 99.999% of my Snaps, which, has clearly rubbed off on my children.

Also? The family resemblance kills me, every time.

So, thank you, makers of Snapchat. Thank you for creating an app that keeps me in touch with my kids and with my more youthful side. Also, please don't ever get rid of my filter.

I'll cut you. I will.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

The First "Official" Care Package

The Man-Cub's birthday is Saturday and all he has asked for is money with which to purchase a surf board. I don't know about you, but, cash gifts don't say "awesome, creative and exciting care package potential" to me. To an average American college student? Eh, maybe, but, to my son? Not so much, either.

So, we deposited his cash gift into his account and I went to town on a care package that was intended for both his birthday and for the fall season; he is a fall baby, after all.

Items included in the care package:

Limited Edition Fall Twinkies
Graham Cracker Scooby Doo Snacks
Biscoff Cookie Butter
Spiced Apple Cider K-Cups
Caramel for dipping apple slices in
Little Debbie Snack Cakes, also limited edition fall flavor
Brachs candy corn footballs (as an aside, where the hell were these last year when I was hosting team dinners and spoiling the football team with treats? Hmmm?)
2 large confetti poppers (got to celebrate that birthday!)
2 individual cherry pies
 #1 and #9 candles to blow out on his actual birthday (he can stick them in either the snack cakes or pies)
A pair of snazzy Stance socks, because the Cub is obsessed with Stance socks
A singing birthday card

I also decorated the box with some leaves from the trees in our yard, as a reminder of the changes happening here at home.

The Cub got the box yesterday, and, despite my suggestion that he wait until Saturday to open it, he dug right in. So, he may not have a gift to open on his birthday, but, he'll always have socks...

I don't hear him complaining.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Final Thoughts on Biiiiiig Brother. Yes, FINALLY

I can't believe I made it! I hung in alllll summer long! I may be the strongest competitor this season, although, that's not saying much. But, onto this (final, thank GOD!) episode.

-  Whoa, Jury, bitter much?

-  Ha! Mark = The Incredible Sulk! Good one, Matt. Why weren't you that clever when you were actually IN the house?

-  Dr. Will is starting to show his age. He's still a handsome son-of-a-gun, though.

-  Cheezus crackers, Matt, shave that fucking animal off your chin.

-  We are thisclose to never having to see Alex's cleavage again. Hallelujah!

-  Oh, my! Josh's sisters look exactly how I would expect Josh to look if he were in drag. That's...not a compliment.

-  And Josh wins the final HOH competition. Huh. Didn't see that coming.

-  If he chooses to take Paul to the final two, he is even dumber than I think he is.

-  Aaaaand he IS even dumber than I thought he was.

-  Well,  this is a contest between two really unlikeable people.

-  Oh, goody, time for Jury questions; this won't end in bitter recriminations. Not at all.

-  Oh wow, Christmas is so thin, you could use her sternum as a washboard. Not her abs, her sternum.

-  Hey, you know who I don't miss? Jessica.

-  Is Kevin seriously wearing a tux? There aren't enough eye rolls in the world.

-  Alex, your bitch face is showing.

-  Crap. I totally forgot the patronizing head pat they give to the house guests evicted prior to jury selection; guess we'll be seeing the Jess and Cody reunion play out live. Where's my vomit bucket?

-  Jess: "I told you so". Again, not enough eye rolls in the world.

-  I think Paul's head is growing even as we watch.

-  And the winner is.....Josh? Wait, what?

-  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

-  In your face, Paul!! Please don't come back next season. Actually, maybe I won't come back next season.

And, that's it, folks! We made it! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Again, I Don't Want to Jinx Myself, But...

...yesterday was the first "all-clear" day on the southern front, if you know what I mean. And, if you don't then read back a few posts to the one wherein I complain about the ravages of perimenopause.

I'm relatively certain that this is just a lull in the storm, but, after 22 or 23 straight days of "rain",
I'll take what I can get.

Any port in a storm, y'all.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I Don't Want to Jinx Myself, But...

...I haven't missed a day of exercise in over three weeks.

I know! That stupid bucket list item might actually get checked off this time!

Or, I just jinxed myself and I'll now lose all momentum and desire to achieve the goal.

Time will tell.