Saturday, May 31, 2008

It's a Good Thing Chicks Dig Scars

Hugh would like you all to know that he made it through this week’s softball game without injury.

At the moment, he and the children are downstairs Wii bowling; I’m listening intently for the inevitable crash and harried screams of my children because, if there is anyone who could injure themselves while playing a harmless video game in the safety of his own living room, it is Hugh.

When they are finished with their game, Hugh is taking The Girl to a friend’s house for yet another sleep-over. Later this afternoon, I am doing likewise with the Man-Cub. This means that Hugh and I have a child-free evening ahead of us and no real plans. I’m thinking dinner and a movie but suspect that Hugh is thinking more along the lines of trenching-the-backyard-for-the-sprinkler-system and charred-flesh-on-the-barbie. I’ve been hoping to see the new Indiana Jones film but, a backyard with grass would be nice so I am willing to compromise.

If we are going to work in the yard today, at least we will have good weather for it; the sun is shining, there is nary a cloud in sight and the temperatures are expected to remain comfortable into the evening. Summer appears to have arrived, finally.

And, since it is summer now, I have declared a ban on all things stressful or unpleasant. I intend to spend my weekends relaxing and enjoying the fleeting childhood moments of my offspring. We are going to swim, run through the sprinklers, slip-n-slide to our hearts content, eat cherries on the porch swing and spit the pits for distance. Trips to the lake with Jana and Co. will feature heavily in our weekend repertoire and star-gazing at night will replace staring at the television set (there won’t be anything good on, anyway). Snow cones, home-made ice cream cones, Kool-Aid and watermelon will feature heavily on the menu as will fresh vegetables from my garden.

It is going to be an idyllic summer.

At least until we end up in the emergency room for some summer-related injury, anyway.

Hugh, Man-Cub, I’m looking at you.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

One More Hail Mary Could Have Made All the Difference

You know it’s bad when the Catholic school kids bring on the nuns and you still lose the game.

On a brighter note, we only lost by just one run (look Dad! I said run and not point! I hope you're happy!) and the game was neck-and-neck for the entire five innings so, we didn’t get smoked and we are still improving; at this rate we could be contenders by the time the tournament rolls around in June.


In non-sports-related news, Oscar and Emily left the state yesterday on the first leg of what is going to be a month-long driving vacation.

Say that slow….month…long…driving…vacation. This equates to hours in a car, together. I’m relatively certain they will return unscathed from the experience, I, on the other hand, would kill their son and bury his body in some remote location in Nebraska were the situation reversed.

Hours in a car. Days on end, for an entire month and they call that a vacation. Me no comprende, people.

Speaking of vacations, I am gearing up big time for our trip to Barbados in September. I bought several new bikinis and am researching reading material for the long, relaxing days that I plan to spend lounging in a chair on the beach. Now, that, I comprende.

Of course, I still don’t comprehend how we could lose a baseball game with the Lord’s handmaidens at our side but, I’m sure He has His reasons.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind

Ok, so our weekend was busy, filled with drudgery and chores; I’ve already covered that. Now, I’ll confess that, among the drudgery, was a wee bit of fun. What can I say, all work and no play and all that.

The new Narnia flick was entertaining and I let myself slide on the diet and exercise regime by indulging in a box of Junior Mints (a whole box, what a glutton!) and sitting on my butt for the majority of Memorial Day.

Granted, while I was sitting on my butt, I was also writing payroll checks and doing the other million and one tasks that I normally do at the store on Mondays, but, I was at home, listening to music and taking breaks that consisted of trips to the refrigerator for fresh cherries and blueberries, so I was relaxing while working and as Martha would say; it’s a good thing.

I also had the pleasure of a brief visit from my brother-in-law and nephew who were passing through on their way home from a rodeo. It was good to see them and we enjoyed catching up on all the Mayberry gossip.

After they left, Hugh and I went to Jana’s for the BBQ. The kids were already there following the previous night’s sleep-over and, while we got the brats and hotdogs ready to grill, the kids put on a show for us. It was something they had been working on all day and they were ridiculously excited to present it. The show involved much singing and dancing as well as some off-color jokes by the Man-Cub and was, for the record, quite entertaining.

The rest of the evening was spent eating and visiting. I followed the kids around the property with my camera like a paparazzi, taking pictures of their antics when they weren’t watching and, some when they were. I attempted to get a few pictures of Hugh, you know, to document his wounds, but, he wasn’t really having any of that nonsense, as you can see.

After dinner, we toasted marshmallows for smores (of which I ate waaayy too many, skinny thighs be damned) and star-gazed for an hour or two before calling it a night and heading home.

Both children were asleep pretty much as soon as their heads hit the pillows and, quite honestly, Hugh and I weren’t far behind.

It was a good day.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Remember When Three-Day Weekends Were Meant For Play?

Me neither.

I may not have gotten a lot of playing in this weekend but I certainly was productive on the home front. In no particular order I:

-Planted another row of lettuce and another row of radishes in my garden.

-Fertilized and weeded said garden.

-Chased ninety-five pounds of shedding, slobbering, tomato-loving mutt out of aforementioned garden.

-Purchased and planted $53 worth of perennials in window boxes for the front porch.

-Watched my husband install said window boxes on the porch rails.

-Cleaned the Man-Cub’s bedroom from stem to stern. It was atrocious. I have mostly blocked out the trauma, however, thanks in no small part to Little Penguin Merlot. God bless Little Penguin and the proud Australians who produce it.

-Cleaned the rest of my house, although not nearly as thoroughly as I cleaned the Cub’s room.

-Shopped for essentials at Sam’s Club, where I followed helplessly as the Cub blazed a trail from sample station to sample station, picking up his discarded sample cups along the way.

-Chauffeured The Girl to three separate sleep-overs.

-Hit Old Navy during a great sale, where I purchased shorts, linen shirts and new polos for Hugh for our trip to Barbados as well as new shorts for the Cub whom I literally watched grow two inches in the past month. Seriously, he reminds me of the Growing Up Skipper doll that I had as a child; you twisted her arm and she grew an inch taller. Ok, she also grew boobs which the Cub does not so, yeah, maybe that was a bad analogy. I’ll save that one for The Girl who is also growing at an astounding rate (and who does have boobs whether her father chooses to accept it, or not).

-Broke my thirty-six day exercise streak by taking yesterday off from a traditional workout. On the other hand, I swept the front porch for over an hour, gardened, and walked at least five miles doing errands throughout the course of the day; in hindsight, I don’t think I missed much exercise after all.

-Hugh and I took the kids to see the new Narnia movie. Jana and company joined us and we made plans for a campfire cook-out tonight. I am responsible for beer brats and my famous baked beans. The beans, mixed with my super-secret special ingredients simmer in the oven all day long, which, come to think of it, means I should probably shake my ass down to the kitchen and get started.

Also on tap for today, I am going in to the hardware store to pick up the payroll checkbook and the deposits from the weekend; I figure I can get all of tomorrow’s work done today, in my own time and at my own pace, then, tomorrow will be an easy day for me.

I like easy days.

I really like easy three-day weekends but, as you can see; this was not one of those weekends.

Friday, May 23, 2008

My Honor Student Can Beat Up His Father

Ok, not really but; I do have an honor student and Hugh did end up in the emergency room last night. The two are in no way related but, I’ll get to that, shortly.

The Man-Cub’s awards assembly yesterday proved quite exciting. The child did manage to snag the coveted Perfect Attendance Award. While there were a number of students who earned Outstanding Attendance awards, having missed four or fewer days throughout the school year; only the Cub and on other child earned Perfect Attendance by missing not a single day. I’m sure the other kid’s mother was proud, too.

In addition to the Perfect Attendance Award, the Cub was recognized by the Principal as an Academic Honor Student and by the PE teacher, who awarded him an Athletic Award for running the mile in under twelve minutes (he actually ran a mile and a half in under twelve minutes. Five days in a row; I get dizzy just thinking about it). Needless to say, we were very proud of our son.

If he could just remember to change his underwear without being reminded, we would be beside ourselves.

Now, on to the next topic; Hugh’s trip to the emergency room, #275,764,896, also known as The Trip That Will Probably Cause Aflac To Think Twice About Renewing Our Policy.

Short Version: Hugh ran into a fence post and gashed his face open. AGAIN.

Long version: Last night, I was sitting on the couch enjoying a nice salad and waiting for the pork roast -which I had so lovingly prepared for my well-deserving family- to come out of the oven. Hugh was playing softball and I had the roast timed down to the second-I was certain that it would be neither too dry nor under-cooked once Hugh got home. The phone rang and one of Hugh’s teammates informed me that Hugh had injured himself and would need to be taken to the emergency room for stitches. AGAIN (third time in four months, people).

Now, I consider myself to be a warm and loving wife, willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the comfort of my family but, I must confess; I totally finished my salad and tended to that roast before I left to pick up my poor bleeding (due to his own stupidity) husband.

See? Warm and loving, that's me.

But, honest to God, third time in four months, people!

Anywaaay....once I finally arrived, I assessed the situation (small- but deep- gash right between the eyes, small gash on the bride of the nose, bleeding mostly stanched, pupils normal, patient no more-or less- confused than normal and; off to the hospital we went.

Jana, who is a saint, volunteered to stay with the kids while Hugh got stitched up and I kept them updated during the wait in the emergency room (ok, she kept me updated on the season finale of Gray’s Anatomy. What? I really wanted to watch it, do not judge me!), thirteen stitches and two hours later; we were on our way home.

To recap: Hugh has a nice scar to add to his rapidly growing collection, the good folks at Aflac will, no doubt, hold an emergency meeting to determine whether or not the program is still cost effective given that one idiot in Colorado who keeps jacking himself up and sending in the proper claim forms, I will have to catch the Gray’s episode on the internet and my goddamned pork was dry as a bone by the time I finally got to eat it.

All because my husband had to be a hero and ran into a fence post while diving for a freaking softball.

All things considered, it is far more entertaining to tell people that my honor student beat up his father, don’t you agree?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

No More Lessons, No More Books, No More Teacher’s Dirty Looks

Today is the last day of school for the Man-Cub. The Girl still has a half day tomorrow but, since that half day will consist primarily of the Middle School students racing around campus signing each other’s yearbooks, crying over how much they will miss each other over the summer and vowing to remain Best Friends 4-ever!!, I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for her.

The Cub’s day will consist of Field Day activities and an awards assembly. The weather is looking a little more promising for Field Day than one might have expected given yesterday’s craptacular wind and cold temperatures. It was so cold at the Cub’s baseball game; I once again resorted to huddling under a blanket with my sweatshirt hood pulled over my head. My sunglasses completed the look, that is; if the look I was going for was Police Sketch of the Uni-bomber.

Anyway, as I said, today is looking better.

Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my new job and the schedule that goes with it, lately? No? Well, I am. Although it is certain to change now that the kids will be out of school for the summer, my schedule currently lays out something like this:

6:00 a.m. Drag lazy ass from bed after completing doctor-mandated stretches for the plantar fascia.

6:15 a.m. Exercise

7:15 a.m. Shower, primp, and dress

8:00 a.m. Drop kids off at school

8:05 a.m. Return home for breakfast, coffee, email reading and blog updating

9:00 a.m. Venture out to garden, pull weeds, water, coo lovingly at the plants in an effort to convince the bastards to grow and be fruitful.

10:00 a.m. Go to work. Work.

12:00 p.m. Break for lunch

1:00 p.m. Work some more

2:00 p.m. Go shopping, run errands, check email, cruise the internet, bother the employees, etc.

3:00 p.m. Run to the bank and then home

The rest of the day depends on whether or not the Cub has baseball or if we have plans, such as Tuesday night when we went to Jana’s for dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I am trying to be better about cooking, depending less on the old standards and breaking out new recipes however; sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak in which case I bust out with the Hamburger Helper and call it good.

Luckily, Hugh has been a grilling demon lately so, if I don’t feel like getting creative in the kitchen, I can usually count on him to do something fabulous on the porch. His training is coming along quite nicely; Stepford Husband Project, Phase One, nearly complete.

Today, as I mentioned, the Cub has an awards assembly at which he is receiving some sort of honor. I’m guessing it is Perfect Attendance, an award which he covets and has worked hard to make his own, even going so far as to attend school with an ear infection as many of you may recall. More power to him; I’m just looking forward to hearing his acceptance speech, I’m sure it will be an Oscar-worthy performance. Either that, or, he will mumble something unintelligible, grab his certificate and run back to his seat, the fire of a million suns blushing on his cheeks.

Either way, schools’ out for summer!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


The boys lost last night’s game by a mere two points following a nail-biter of a third inning. The game was seriously neck-and-neck from the first pitch and it certainly is more fun to watch a game like that than it is to watch a massacre.

The loss brings our record thus far to 3-3 which ain’t too shabby considering the pummeling that we took the first game.

Speaking of pummeling, the concession stand that was supposed to be delivered to our field never did make it and thus, we have had no concessions. No neon-orange nacho cheese to stir, no hotdogs to boil, no chocolate to watch melt in the (recent, and thank GOD) heat. All of which has absolutely nothing to do with pummeling but, yeah, I couldn’t come up with a clever segue between subjects; sue me.

The point is; I have been spared the job of Concession Stand Nazi for the season.

Unless, of course, the stand magically appears at our next home game at which time there very well may be a pummeling.

I’ll keep you informed.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Wii Had a Very Nice Weekend

You know it’s been a good weekend when you are more tired on Monday than you were on Friday. Apparently, I had a very good weekend.

Saturday morning, I got up at the crack of dawn to get in my exercising before leaving for a day-long Photo Shop class at the local college campus. I was ambivalent about taking the class, on the one hand, I really want to learn how to use my program more efficiently (or, you know, at all) but, on the other hand, it was a gorgeous day and the prospect of spending it inside was less than appealing. Happily, there was a glitch with the college computer system and, since Photo Shop rather requires that you use the computer, the class was given the option of rescheduling or getting a refund. We chose to reschedule and, I was released for a day in the sunshine with my family.

Knowing that I was going to be busy with the class, Hugh had scheduled a batting practice for the baseball team and, by the time I got home, the boys were arriving. After visiting with moms and dads as they dropped off their kids, I retired to my garden to plant the squash, zucchini, cucumber, bell pepper, brussel sprout, eggplant, tomato and cabbage plants (yes, I do think I am Mr. Greenjeans, thanks for asking!) that had been sitting on the front porch for the past week.

The Girl was attending a birthday party which wrapped up right around the time that I planted the last plant and Hugh sent away the last boy. Since we had to go into town to pick The Girl up, anyway, we decided to hit the Hellmouth for landscaping supplies which ended up being a pleasant outing; we even grabbed a nice lunch together at Subway. What can I say, we live large.

The rest of the day was spent outside, working on the yard and playing with the kids and the dog. As evening approached, we walked the half mile or so to our local park to let Rowdie swim in the pond. It was his first water outing and I’m happy to report that he took to it like a dog to um, water. Obviously.

We capped off the day with a dinner of grilled chicken legs and watched movies from Netflix; our queue is now caught up and we can starts adding to the list again.

Sunday morning, I got up before the rest of my family so that I could steal thirty minutes in which to drink my coffee in peace. As I was reading the newspaper, I saw that Target was advertising Wii’s and, since we have only been trying to get our hands on one since Jesus was a baby; I woke up the Cub and we raced into town to snag one. I am pleased to report that, finally; we were triumphant. I got the sports bundle which includes boxing, tennis, baseball, bowling and, I can’t recall, one more sport (I was mostly interested in the boxing as well as in the Fitness bundle which they didn’t have but which they assurred me should be in stores on Wednesday, assuming they don’t pull the same “keep the supply low to keep demand high” bullshit with the programs that they pull with the console. Holding my breath? Not so much) and the Cub and I went Wii, Wii, Wii all the way home.

(We didn’t have time to actually play the wii, unfortunately but, maybe later tonight. You know, after we are finished with the Cub’s baseball game; I’m sure Wii boxing is really fun right around midnight.)

The rest of Sunday passed in a pleasant haze of sunshine, sitting on the porch watching the birds at the feeder, grilling shish-kabobs and drinking a nice glass of Pinot Grigio. It was, as I have said, a very nice weekend and I can think of far worse ways to spend one like, you know, sitting in a stuffy college classroom learning a computer program; that shit is definitely better saved for the winter.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

At Least We Didn't Freeze

Although still a bit chilly, the weather at last night’s baseball game was positively steamy compared to that of the nights before. And, we won the game. Unfortunately, the Man-Cub got hit by the pitcher while batting. Twice. And, hard. He took it like a champ, though, going on to score both times, once with a magnificent slide at home plate. The slide was of the sort that made every mother in the crowd wince and a collective, “oohhh…” went up like a chant to the heavens. When the Cub jumped up, dusted himself off and turned to wave at the crowd, the “oohhh was replaced with cheering the likes of which have not been heard since the Beatles touched down at JKF.

Or so, I’ve heard; I’m not that old.

In completely different news; tonight, Hugh and I are splitting our parenting duties so that one of us can be with each of the children at their school activities; the Man-Cub has his spring music program and The Girl is playing her flute at the High School Baccalaureate ceremony. Since Hugh wormed his way out of attending her band concert last week, it only seemed fitting that he attend the baccalaureate, leaving me to attend the Cub’s event. Having learned my lesson at The Girl's concert, I have secured my emergency stash of cotton balls for the Cub's program; they may not stop my ears from bleeding but they will soak up the mess before any embarrassing staining can occur.

Speaking of bleeding ears, I briefly toyed with the idea of suggesting that Hugh take his super-duper-cop-approved-gunshot-silencing-earplugs to the baccalaureate but; I think it will be more fun for him to learn that lesson on his own. More fun for me, that is.

Tonight’s events will bring to a close the school-sanctioned events portion of the program for 2008. With the exception on the Cub’s Field Day next week, I am officially off chaperoning duties until next fall. Can I get an amen?

Now, I just have to decide what in the name of purple pete I am going to do with the Cub over the summer. The Girl has expressed an interest in working at the hardware store again this year and I have a hard time finding a reason to deny her request; she works hard when she is there and is more conscientious, dependable and punctual than some of the adults who work for us. The Cub, however, has no desire to attend the daycare facility that we have used since he was a toddler and, I can’t really blame him, he is almost ten, after all.

This leads me to believe that the best solution to the dilemma is to have The Girl babysit the Cub three days a week while allowing her to work at the store two days a week during which time I will need to find alternate care for the Cub. I am tempted to hire one of The Girl’s friends but, obviously, haven’t made any decision yet.

School ends next Thursday; I’ve got plenty of time, right?


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

What Lovely Weather We Are Having


It was so cold at the Man-Cub’s baseball game last night; we huddled under blankets, wore gloves, and pulled our hoods over our heads. And, by we, I of course mean the other mothers and myself. The boys, who played a good hard game, could not be bothered with so much as a jacket. Kids, they are crazy like that.

Unfortunately, today’s temperatures don’t appear to be planning a trip to the top of the thermometer, either. It rained most of the night and the backyard, which Hugh so lovingly and back-breakingly tilled and raked this past weekend, is a sea of mud. A sea of mud the likes of which has caused our previously yellow lab to mutate into some sort of blackened hairball. It’s not pretty. Humorous, yes. Pretty, no.

On the other hand, the moisture is great for my newly-planted garden and, since Mother Nature has been holding the hose; I haven’t had to drag my lazy ass out to the yard to do it which makes the quagmire currently tempting the Man-Cub (come on little boy, you know you want to roll in the mud, lovely, lovely mud…precious mud) almost worth it.

And, for the record, if that child steps one muddy foot in this house after actually succumbing to the temptation, I am shipping him off to military school.

On a completely unrelated note; I visited the foot doctor for what I am hoping is the last time. He seems optimistic that my plantar fasciitis will not make a return visit and he is very happy with the way that my orthotics have broken me in, or, I mean, how well I have broken my orthotics in. Although, it does feel like they have broken me.

On a related note, the doctor was less interested than one might imagine in knowing that; when cultivated in a Petri dish, toe jam produces almost as much bacteria as snot.

Where is his scientific curiosity, I ask you?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Minor Accomplishments

My weekend was lovely if, as usual, quite busy. Hugh managed to get the backyard roto-tilled and is now in the process of raking it to remove any large rocks and debris. If all goes according to schedule (which never happens), he should trench the yard for the new sprinkler system this coming weekend and, by next week, we should be seeded. Even though blue looks good on me, I won’t hold my breath.

After tilling the yard, Hugh also tilled my garden space and the Man-Cub and I spent most of Mother’s Day raking the new soil, making our rows and planting seeds. Today, I am headed to the nursery to pick up my tomato, pepper, cabbage, squash and pumpkin plants and, after letting them harden a bit on the porch this week; should have them planted on Sunday. We might not have green grass to walk through this summer but, we will definitely have fresh vegetables.

After planting the garden yesterday, I enjoyed a leisurely day watching movies with the family before they served me a lovely meal on the front porch. The Girl was particularly proud of the fruit smoothies that she had made for dessert and, they were delicious.

This evening’s baseball game is of the “away” variety and, as such, will have us home fairly late. At least I don’t have to stress over what we will do for dinner at that time of night; I made fried chicken and a couple of salads to pack and we plan to picnic at the ball fields after the game. Here’s hoping the weather cooperates.
And, you know, here’s hoping we win another game. That would be nice

Friday, May 09, 2008


The Girl’s band concert last night was just as long and painful as predicted. However, the opportunity to see my baby all dressed up and diligently playing an instrument that I could never in a million years learn how to play was totally worth the agony that the rock-hard gym bleachers caused to my back.

The whole time The Girl was playing all I could think about was how much she’s grown. How pretty she is becoming. How proud I am of her and how much I look forward to seeing her reach the next milestone in her life.

If someone had told me twelve years ago that I would be left breathless at the sight of my own child, I would have smiled and nodded but, not really understood. After all, we see our children every day. We watch them grow, change, mature, right before our very eyes. I understand now, though. Because; how often do we really see them? The changes happen so gradually and so quietly, we take them for granted; we really do miss what is happening right in front of us.

Last night, the realization that my daughter is becoming a little woman snuck up on me like a thief in the night. It stole my confidence and left me feeling vulnerable, wistful. Wistful for her baby days, for her chubby toddler years, for the first day of pre-school when her father and I stood outside the school and, for the first time in her life, relinquished our daily hold on her, placing her in the care of someone else, trusting them to adore her as much as we did.

As much as we still do.

I’m not sad to see her grow up. I just want to savor every moment of it happening. I want to not take it for granted. I want to see what is happening right before my very eyes.

I don’t want to miss a thing.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Holy Crap, We Won!

The boys did a fabulous job at last night’s game. They played like they knew what they were doing and it was awesome. The Man-Cub had several good plays on second, one of which caused the opposing team’s coach to very nearly pop an aneurysm in his brain; so certain was he that his player was safe when he was, in fact, quite out.


O. U. T.


Hopefully, the boys will continue to improve with each game and really, that is all we ever hoped for, anyway.

Tonight, I am missing the new episode of Lost in order to attend The Girl’s spring band concert. The Girl, in her infinite mercy, excused Hugh from attending because he has a softball game.

As an aside, did I ever mention that Hugh is playing softball this season? No? Um, that would be because I just found out like, yesterday. Jana’s husband’s team is sorely short of players so, they asked Hugh to step up and he was more than happy to do so. He hasn’t played softball since, oh gosh, 2002? 2003? I can’t remember but, it’s been long enough for me to believe that he will be, shall we say, a bit rusty. I’m almost sorry I won’t be there to watch but, you know, a mother’s job is never done; my first-born needs me to support her as she navigates the unchartered waters of her first musical performance. I am fully prepared to cheer her on, no matter how much my ears bleed.

That’s what mothers do.

And, yes, I am totally sucking up before Mother's Day, why do you ask?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The Reason I Do What I Do

This morning, I had the pleasure of accompanying the Man-Cub and about a hundred of his classmates on a walk to the local park. It was the school’s first annual Walk-a-Thon, meant to raise money for the school PE program as well as to foster awareness of the childhood obesity epidemic.

The walk was a lot of fun, if just a tad bit exhausting. The total distance to and from the park is just over 2.5 miles and, once at the park; the students made laps around the soccer and baseball fields. The Man-Cub’s goal for the day was to walk five miles, a goal that he reached and exceeded by almost three additional miles. My goal for the day was to stay sane amidst the chaos of a hundred-and-one third graders and I mostly succeeded.

The best part of my day, however, was a conversation that I overheard between the Cub and another student:

Random Kid: Your mom is here, that’s cool; I wish my mom had come.
Man-Cub: Yeah, my mom is pretty awesome.

His pony is on order even as we speak.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

At Least We Are Consistent

The Man-Cub’s team lost its’ third game in a row last night. Our catcher got beaned in the head, several of our outfielders tripped over their own feet while chasing pop-flies and one of our players spent an unholy amount of time racing back and forth between second and third base in an attempt to evade being tagged out.

On the other hand, the Man-Cub made an awesome play at second base and; we are grooming a pitcher who, despite being all of three feet tall, is deadly accurate, consistent and fast. There is hope for us yet, is what I’m saying.

No baseball tonight, thank goodness. Instead, this evening will be my only night home this week and I am going to attempt to cook risotto. I’ve eaten some really good risotto in one of our local Italian restaurants but have never tried to make it on my own. I think I can pull it off but, here’s hoping.

However, before I attempt culinary greatness in my own kitchen, I am helping to chaperone the Cub Scouts on a field trip to the grocery store. The plan is for the boys to cook dinner for the parents at next week’s final Den Meeting of the year and, as such, they need to do their shopping. The manager of the store is also going to take the boys on a tour of the market plus give a mini-lesson on comparison shopping. I plan to take copious notes.

On an unrelated subject; I quizzed the offspring about the science experiment being conducted in the Man-Cub’s pajama drawers and was relieved to hear that they are not, as I suspected, growing a mutant pig-clone of the flesh-eating variety.

They were merely conducting an experiment to see which bodily fluid would produce the most bacteria; snot, toe jam, earwax or spit. We are very pleased to inform you that snot came in first, followed closely by toe jam. I didn’t ask whose foot they retrieved the toe jam specimen from but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was the Cub’s.

As for where they got the fancy Petri dishes for the experiment; they were included in a Christmas gift from the kids’ Aunt Jules. I had completely forgotten about the Gross Science Kit and had, in fact, hidden it away on a closet shelf. The kids rediscovered it while Hugh and I were in Boston and my parents were kind enough to help them bust it out. Thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks for the creepy biological experiment I discovered in the Cub’s drawer. By the way, where was this tolerance of messy-and potentially biohazardous- projects when I was growing up? Just curious.

I’m kidding. I’m glad my parents supervised the project; had it been me, I would have called the whole thing off about the time the Cub pulled off his sock to retrieve that toe jam.


Saturday, May 03, 2008


So. As I was putting the kids’ laundry away today, I made an unsettling discovery in the Man-Cub’s pajama drawer. I’m not even sure that unsettling is the correct term, exactly, but, I'll let you be the judge of that.

Just in case you can’t clearly see the cause of my angst, please, do click on the photo for a closer look. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Done? Great, now we are all on the same page and that would be page What. The. Fuck.

Petri dishes. Growing specimens of some sort. In my son’s pajama drawer.

What, exactly, are those crazy children of mine up to, I ask you.

And, yes, while I did find this abomination in the Man-Cub’s drawer, there is no doubt in my mind that it represents a consolidated effort between siblings. The experiment is far too sophisticated for the Cub to come up with on his own; for one thing, he lacks access to petri dishes. The Girl, on the other hand, attends actual science classes at school and, if memory serves; recently completed the dissection of a pig’s eyeball in class. Plus, I can totally see her saying “I'm bored. You want to grow a mutant pig-clone that may, or may not, rise up and eat our parents’ faces off in their sleep? Cool. Let’s do it in your room.” To which the Cub would reply “Suh-weet!”

Kids these days.

Anyway, while the prospect of having my face eaten off by a mutant pig-clone doesn’t exactly thrill me to pieces; I fought the urge to throw the petri dishes in the nearest trash truck (heading far, far away) and closed the drawer, allowing the experiment to go on, unfettered.

I mean, my kids, who would just as soon scratch each other's eyes out as cooperate, are working on something together. Quietly. And, it's on something almost educational (fingers crossed).

Plus, if Alexander Fleming’s mother had thrown the moldy bread out of his pajama drawer, the world might never have had penicillin. And, I’m going to need penicillin to combat the infection caused by the wounds to my face when that pig rises out of my son’s drawers so, you know, it’s all good.

Somewhat nightmare-inducing but, you know.... good.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Chippendales Calling

The Man-Cub got in trouble at school today and, as a consequence, was not allowed to join his class in watching a movie that they had earned for a week’s worth of good behavior.

Bummer for the boy, huh? Yep. Of course, since his crime was dropping his pants and flashing his underwear for the entire world to see; I can’t really complain about the punishment. Unless, of course, he didn't really do it in which case; I supose I could complain. If I were one of those mothers which, I am not (also, I'm too busy drinking wine and toasting the fact that it is Friday. It was a long week! Do not judge me!).

For the record, the Cub claims that the whole thing was unintentional; that he tripped on the hem of his pants while walking in line to reading groups and that the slight tug caused the pants to drop below his knees. He swears that he didn’t do it on purpose and, since his pants do tend to be a bit baggy on his non-existent bum, I am somewhat inclined to believe his story.

Ok, I totally believe his story.

That said; the cincher came when I asked how many people saw him in all his boxer-brief glory and he said “None, I was at the end of the line”. See, if he really had pulled his pants down just for kicks and grins, he would have been at the front of the line.

That’s what I would do.

Thursday, May 01, 2008


It is snowing. Apparently, Mother Nature didn’t get the memo informing her that it is, in fact, the first of May. Either that or the Alzheimer’s is setting in, yeah that’s it, global warming-shlobal warming; Mother Nature has the Alzheimer’s.

After freezing our butts off at last night’s baseball game, I guess the snow really shouldn’t come as a surprise. It was seriously chilly and we ended up calling the game after only five innings; innings that saw us rally from what would have been a nine-point loss to what became a one point loss so; it was an exciting game regardless of the weather.

The boys' performance was much improved over Monday’s game so I’m guessing they either had a bad case of nerves then or were just really comfortable with the home-field advantage, either way, they played a lot better and I suddenly have a glimmer of hope for the season.

I’m not feeling so optimistic about this weather; however I mean come on, snow in May.