Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I’m Relatively Certain It Isn’t the Swine Flu

I feel crappy, oh so crappy (sung to the tune of I Feel Pretty), I feel crappy and cruddy and baaad. My head aches, my nose is stuffy-or running, depending on its mood-and my throat hurts but; I’m not running a fever or having difficulty breathing nor am I generally achy so, just a common cold, no Swine Flu here, nothing to see folks, move along…

The Teenager is likewise ailing, in fact, I just returned from a mercy sandwich run to the school since she neglected to eat breakfast before leaving the house for a.m. Volleyball practice and the sinus drainage she is experiencing is making her sick to her stomach.

With any luck, we will both be feeling better by tomorrow when Hugh and I leave for Fall Market in Salt Lake City and she has a volleyball game.

If I’m not feeling better later today, I fully intend to make a big hairy deal out of the situation so that my own mother (who arrives with my father today to care for the children while we are away) will shower me with mercy and tender-loving care. What’s that you say; she is coming to care for the children? Hey, I was her child first; I have dibs on her affections as well as on her psuedo-medical training.

Before their arrival, however, I’m going to go to work because, unlike some people….cough…Hugh….cough…I suck it up and do my duties when I am sick.

Unless, of course,  I do develop Swine Flu in which case I will not leave the house because, I refuse to be seen in public sporting a wee curly tail and a snout, that shit's just not lady-like.

Monday, September 28, 2009

You Know it’s Going to be a Bad Day When Your Coffee Smells Like a Douche

Yesterday, I was greeted by a red blinking light on my coffee machine. Being a reasonable person, I logically assumed it was the countdown to a large explosion and I dropped to the floor.

When the light continued to blink with no discernible blast, I broke down and read the owner’s manual which informed me that the blinking light indicated that the machine needed to be cleaned.

I followed the manufacturer’s instructions for cleaning the machine-running pure vinegar through the brew cycle. I followed up with two brews using clear water and, yet, my coffee this morning reeked of Massengill.

It tasted ok, though.

What?! I needed the caffeine do not judge me!

Saturday, September 26, 2009


Today's birthday party for the Man-Cub went well. He and three of his friends are whooping it up on the Wii even as I write this and, since they are probably ridiculously high on sugar, I guess I can't blame them.

Prior to the party, the four of them played in football games and, although I wasn't present for the Cub's game, I am told he played spectacularly. In fact, Hugh called me on my cell to tell me that the Cub had just caught a punt return and ran for ten yards before a pile-drive by the other team sent him flying back five. Hugh said he bounced like Gumby, jumped back up, shook his head a couple of times and was back in the fray.

Later, he managed to tackle the biggest kid on the other team; Hugh said he jumped on the kids back, attached himself like a leech and, while being flung about like Raggedy Andy's bastard step-brother, still managed to bring the kid down.

I wish I could have been there but, I was at The Teenager's volleyball game, watching her team beat the competition.

It was a good day for sports in our household.

Now, I have to go referee the fights that are certain to break out during the Wii marathon downstairs and, you know, eat some cake before those boys finish it off.

Clearly, I have my priorities.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I Am a Multi-tasking Super Freak 

I just finished decorating the cake for the Man-Cub’s birthday party tomorrow. In addition to decorating the cake, I watched the season premiere of The Dollhouse, a recorded episode of Cougartown (New Favorite Show! Hee-LARIOUS!) did my Tooth Fairy duties (The Teenager had three teeth pulled to make way for her braces, yeah, um, yesterday. I forgot to do the money and fairy dust thing last night; thus ensuring my reign as the Worst Tooth Fairy in History- long live the Queen!) and I managed to whip up a pretty decent batch of red chili.

Tomorrow, I am planning to be at both a football and a volleyball game simultaneously while hosting the Cub’s birthday party and I promised a friend that I would help her move into her new house. Really; I am just that great at organizing my time.

Oh, and the part about me being a multi-tasking super freak? Yes, well, just delete the Mulit-tasking part and you have a pretty good picture of my personality.

Makes you feel better about yourself, doesn’t it?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Seventeen:
Thirteen Stellar Moments in Parenting

1. The time I locked the keys and the children in the car. With the engine running. On a very public street. The 911 operator asked if one of the children could simply open the door from the inside and then sounded absolutely fluxomed when I explained that, while my daughter was three and probably could open the car door from inside, she was strapped into her car seat and could not release herself. Because that is what good parents do, they put their children in government-approved car seats. You know, when they aren’t locking them in cars with the engine running.

2. That time I accidentally thumped the Man-Cub’s wee little head into doorjamb simply because I misjudged the distance between the doorjamb and the child’s head. I blame sleep-deprivation (kid didn’t sleep through the night until he was a year old); other than the odd twitching, there doesn’t appear to be any residual damage.

3. The night the Tooth Fairy forgot to retrieve the Man-Cub’s tooth and he awoke to find no money. I will remember the look of disappointment on his face until they put me in my grave. Of course, it wasn’t my first screw-up as the Tooth Fairy and, as fate would have it, it wouldn’t be my last, which takes us to two days ago…

4. …The Girl texted from school, letting me know that she had one less tooth to have the dentist pull. I asked if that meant she had lost one and got a “Well, duh” for my trouble (ingrate). Later that day, she texted me again, requesting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich prior to her volleyball game. I made the sandwich, bagged it and handed it off to her when I arrived at the game. A few minutes later she came to me, pressed a crumpled sandwich bag in my hand and took to the court. I handed the baggie to the Man-Cub to throw away. After her game (they won, again!), she came to sit next to me and I asked her if she had saved the tooth for the Tooth Fairy (she’s a non-believer but is keeping the Faith for her brother) and she looked at me like I had just sprouted a second head before saying “Duh, I gave it to you”. Dumpster diving followed, tooth was recovered. Not my proudest moment.

5. At an appointment with the pediatrician, The Teenager, then about four years old, matter-of-factly informed the doctor that she liked milk in her coffee at breakfast. It took me five minutes to assure the doctor that the “coffee” was, in fact, hot cocoa, heavy on the milk and light on the cocoa. I swear.

6. There was that whole The Teenager Got Suspended From the Last Volleyball Game of the Season for Flipping the Competing Team the Bird incident last year. That was a special moment in parenting; her first obscene gesture! I think I might cry.

7. The day I was called into the Daycare Director’s office and asked to speak to the Man-Cub about not peeing on the playground, it’s just not appropriate for a four year old to do that, I mean, really; did he pee outside at home? (Yes, yes he did. In our defense, he totally learned that behavior from my nephew, who lived on a farm and, after a number of hours on a tractor with a giant Slurpee and no bathroom in sight, learned to improvise).

8. The last time we were called into the Principal’s office to discuss The Teenager’s behavior. That time was less ha, ha We Suck at the Parenting and more OH MY GOD, We Suck at the Parenting.

9. That time my kid ate a whole bottle of Flinstone chewable vitamins and the family doctor said to scare the kid into puking, so she was told-in no uncertain terms-that she was going to DIE, thus freaking her out enough to vomit copious amounts of day-glo orange vomit. Oh, wait, that wasn’t me, that was my mother. I was the vomiting kid. Eh, either way-stellar moment in parenting, I’m sure (sorry, Mom).

10. When the Man-Cub fell off the slide and we didn’t take him to the emergency room for two days because we thought it was just bruised. Yep, broken. Which, wouldn’t be so bad but, um, yeah, that happened twice. We rock.

11. When The Teenager was about four and having a Really Bad Day and I locked myself in the bathroom with the phone, called Hugh and tearfully explained to him that our daughter had been possessed by Satan and that he needed to get to St. Mary’s ASAP; I needed a priest for an exorcism and a rosary with which to bind the demon. Turned out the child had an ear infection. Same difference.

12. When one of the children’s’ hermit crabs died, I hosted the most touching funeral ever. Not long after, the other hermit crab died while I was on a business trip. I told Hugh to leave it in the cage and that I would handle the funeral arrangements when I got home in a couple of days. When I arrived home, I trudged up the stairs to The Teenager’s room to prepare the body for burial and the little fucker was standing on a rock, waving at me, next to his own corpse. A quick Google search confirmed that the crab hadn’t died but had molted and, the process takes a few days so, yeah, the other “dead” crab? Probably not so much dead as buried alive.

13. Of course, these are all stellar parenting moments in the sense that, hey, we really do suck at parenting. On the other hand, there are waaayy more than thirteen instances of us being sort of decent at the job so, you know, we’ll take the good with the bad. Because that is what parents do.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I say it every year-I can't believe how much you have grown, I can't believe how much you have changed, where did my baby go? This year is no different; you have grown up in ways that I cannot begin to explain nor to fathom.

If someone had told me eleven years ago that I would have a son who was sweet-natured, humorous, sensitive, smart and a complete joy to be around, I would have smiled through my sleep-deprived stupor and said "I hope so". As it turns out, you are so much more than all those things, in fact; I could not have possibly thought to hope for everything that you are.

Happy birthday Man-Cub, we love you from the top of your unruly head of hair down to the dirt under your toenails and, while I'm on that subject; actually using soap in the shower wouldn't kill you.

Just kidding.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Speaking of Balls, I Kind of Feel Like I’ve dropped One

The Man-Cub turns eleven tomorrow. He has his regular vision therapy appointment (progress report to be posted soon) and, in a serendipitous turn of fate, his therapist also celebrates a birthday, tomorrow. I usually take treats to school in the afternoon on the kids’ birthdays but, since I have to take the Cub out of class an hour early, I decided to skip that particular ritual which makes me feel sort of bad.

After vision therapy, the Cub has a football game and, I thought about decorating his cake and taking it for his team to enjoy but, the weather has taken a turn for the ugly in the afternoons and I really don’t want to chance cutting and plating cake for twenty kids in the rain and/or wind, sleet and snow. Instead, I think I will pick up cupcakes at The Hellmouth and the Cub can hand them out after the game, much neater, still festive and less likely to make me want to chew off my own arm in search of escape.

This leaves us to enjoy his birthday cake on Saturday when he is scheduled to have several friends over for a slumber party. As fate would have it, there is another football game that day as well as a volleyball tournament in a town nearby and, while I guess I haven’t really dropped any balls, I just feel overwhelmed by the number of balls that we currently have in the air.

Oh, and did I mention that Hugh and I are going out of town next week for our annual Fall buyer’s market? No? It might have slipped my mind; what with all the hair-pulling and waffling I have been doing over the logistics involved in when to serve the Cub’s stupid birthday cake.

Aaaand I just remembered that I have yet to pick up a present for the child. I am almost as prepared for his birthday as I was for his birth (one week early) which is to say; not at all.


Monday, September 21, 2009

The Theme for the Weekend is Balls

Saturday, Hugh and I split duties between The Teenager's volleyball tournament (him) and the Man-Cub's first football game (me).

While I baked in the early autumn sun, watching the Cub run up and down the football field, Hugh kept me apprised of The Teenager's progress via text message and cell-phone calls. The Teenager's team won all of its matches with The Teenager scoring seven points in a row on her serves which is a personal best for her and for which we were quite proud.

The Man-Cub's team took a beating at their game but, considering the fact that playing tackle football in all that padding was a new experience for the majority of the boys; they didn't play half-bad.

The Cub, although a bit smaller that his teammates (and most of the opposition), had no qualms about getting into the heart of the fray on every play. League rules dictate that each kid play a minimum of two quarters and that they play both offense and defense in each game. While the Cub prefers to play offense, he did a spectacular job on defense, going so far as to strip the ball from the quarterback on one play

that would be him, smashed completely against the quarterback, reaching for the ball and looking not at all worried about being trampled to death under the weight of his team or the opposition. I, on the other hand, was screaming like a girl on the sidelines which is why girls don't play the game (Replacements shout out! Keanu Reeves rulz!).

After all the sporting hijinks, Hugh and I had our own experience with a ball-we attended the annual Chamber Banquet Ball. It was an opportunity to get dressed up and to see people with whom I used to work. Unfortunately, there have been some, um, changes at my Place of Previous Employment and, as a result, not too many of my old cronies were present at the party. Also, unfortunate, was the fact that the Ball sort of...blew.

The food was not nearly as good as we have come to expect, the entertainment was less than entertaining and the general atmosphere was just... bland and sort of depressing. As a result, I really doubt that we will attend the event next year; the ticket price is just too high to have a less-than-stellar time.

But, hey, at least we looked nice.

Sunday, I broke away from the ball theme in exchange for laundry, housecleaning and gardening; thus returneth Cinderella.

On the bright side, my house is clean and we all have fresh underwear for the week. Never let it be said that we don't know how to par-tay.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Further Proof That Volleyball Has Been Good for The Teenager

Or, how The Teenager is really an alien from the planet DanceYourBootyOff.

This is The Teenager at yesterday’s volleyball game, dancing on the volleyball court. In front of people. With a smile on her face. Without bursting into flames of embarrassment; I may never recover from the shock.

You’re probably thinking that the fact that her team won both of its matches against its opponent was the cause behind the little display but, you would be wrong; they won both matches alright but the dancing started during warm-ups before the game was even underway; The Teen was merely expressing her joy at being alive and comfortable with herself.

In other news, the Pope declared yesterday a Day of Miracles. It’s true, you can look it up.

Ok, maybe it’s not true but, someone should really encourage him to think about it.

Following The Teenager’s game, Hugh and I joined the Man-Cub’s football scrimmage, already in progress. It will come as no surprise that the Man-Cub is just as enthusiastic about his sport as his sister is about hers and that, after intercepting a pass from the oposing team's quarterback, he did a little dance of his own. His dance was a wee bit more showy and ostentacious than his sister's but, he's only 10 and not a Middle School girl; the threat of disdain from his peers has no effect on him.

That said, I don’t know what it is about my kids and dancing but I think I like it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Sixteen:
Thirteen Television Shows I am Looking Forward to Watching

1. Lost. I am interested to see where they take the lostaways in this final season. Hopefully, all the questions of the past five seasons will finally be answered (what the hell is up with the giant foot??!) plus, um, Sawyer, mrrrowwr.

2. Dollhouse. I admit, the first season was a bit weak but, that is how Joss Wedon’s series always seem to start out and they build momentum; I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and I’ll hang in there. Also, Tahmoh Penniket is hawt.

3. Cougar Town. I miss Friends, always loved Courtney Cox and; any show about a woman who is still smokin’ hot after age 40 gives me hope for the future. I’ll tune in.

4. Flashforward. I always seem to gravitate to the sci-fi, don’t know why.

5. Castle. Love the interaction between Detective Bennett and Rick Castle and have loved Jason Fillion since Firefly.

6. Survivor. They are certainly hyping the show this season; I hope it lives up to its press.

7. Three Rivers. I’m going to give this show a shot for the simple fact that it stars Alex O’Loughlin who is, like Tahmoh Penniket, hawt (sensing a theme?).

8. V. Once again with the sci-fi. In my defense, I watched the original series when I was young and I liked it then even with the really bad lizard suits and CGI effects have come a looong way.

9. Glee. So far, this show is cracking me up and I can always use a good laugh.

10. Burn Notice. The second half of the season doesn’t start until like, January or some such nonsense but; I can wait because I know it will be good. Plus, Jeffery Donovan reminds me of a guy I used to date which, while being a little bit weird is also kind of comforting.

11. NCIS. I had never watched an episode of this show until USA started running marathons of it here recently. Due to some issues with our craptacular cable company (Rocky Mountain Cable, I am looking at YOU), USA was one of the few channels we had that wasn’t full of static, missing audio or constantly rolling and, therefore, NCIS was the only thing on. Now, I’m hooked and actually interested in whether or not Ziva is coming back and whether or not Tony will ever get into her pants.

12. Big Love. Who would have ever thought that a show about Mormon polygamists could be so addictive?

13. The Biggest Loser. Because, who doesn’t need a reason to get teary-eyed every Tuesday night?

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

On the Bright Side, All This Rain has to be Good for the Garden

The past week has been rainy and chilly. Fall is definitely in the air and, while fall is my favorite time of the year, I could certainly do without the damp because, while the rain is good for the garden, it’s not so great for replacing the roof on the hardware store and; if you can’t understand why, let me give you a quick equation: Rain + no roof = soppy mess on the variety side of the building. Take that aggravation x the number of times that we have had to towel up the mess, divide that by the remaining amount of my patience and the result is A Very Bad Mood.

On the other hand, I watched Biggest Loser last night and my pithy little problems pale in comparison to the woman who lost her entire family in an accident and then went on to gain a bazillion pounds by eating her emotions, all while wishing she could just die already, too.

Seriously, Jillian even cried.

On a much more festive note; this weekend I baked the Man-Cub’s birthday cakes and got them into the deep freeze where they await decorating next week. We are having a bit of a scheduling snafu with the date of his actual birthday party as we still don’t have a schedule for his football games. The vague information that we have received thus far leads me to believe that he will be playing the next couple of Saturdays but, we have no idea where, so; I am semi-certain that I will just pack up the cake and take it to wherever we end up, feed the entire team, grab a couple of select teammates for a sleep-over and call it good.

If you know me in real life, you know how I like to throw birthday bashes for my kids and you would think that the relative non-planning of this event is making me weepy. Surprisingly, you would be wrong; I’m totally cool with not having a Martha Stewart kind of blowout this year.

Maybe I’m getting sick. Or, you know, old. Come to think of it, all this rainy weather has caused some discomfort in my joints….

Anyhoodle, the Man-Cub couldn’t care less and, as long as there is cake, he’s fine with whatever we do so; I guess we are all set. Unless we get rained out, that is but, really; what are the odds?

(She said, laughing nervously)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Like The Fray Says, You Can Never Say Never

Scene: Our home circa 2001. The Teenager, then a round-faced pre-schooler, begs for a pet.

The Teenager: Another dog?

Mean Mommy: No way, we have three.

The Teenager: Another cat?

Mean Mommy: Nope, wouldn’t be fair to Gilligan.

The Teenager: Horse?

Mean Mommy: Nowhere to keep one.

The Teenager: Unicorn?

Mean Mommy: If you can find one, you’re welcome to it.

The Teenager: Frog?

Mean Mommy: Do you really want a frog? I didn’t think so.

The Teenager: Rabbit?

Mean Mommy: I wouldn’t want one as a pet but I hear they are delicious. What? Come on, now; don’t cry.

The Teenager: A mouse? Just a tiny little one that doesn’t eat very much cheese?

Mean Mommy: Over my dead body.

Flash forward to present day.

Meet Honey, The Teenager’s science fair project and, dare I say, new pet.

I'd prefer cremation over burial, please.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I’m Whispering Because, If I Say It Out Loud, I Might Scare It Away

At the risk of jinxing myself, thus creating a parallel universe in which I am posting a sob story rather than a glowing tribute to my eldest-born child, I am just going to put it out there; The Teenager has been spectacularly awesome lately.

And, by awesome, I mean, non-surly, lovable, good natured and pleasant to be around. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Aaand, we’re back.

Our first indication that The Teenager had turned a rather important behavioral corner came with the news that she would be playing in both the B1 and B2 volleyball games last Thursday because her best friend, Kaz, as well as six additional teammates, had made the grievous error of ditching Wednesday’s volleyball practice to sit under the gymnasium stairs to drink Red Bull and eat beef jerky (par-tay!). Because they skipped practice, they were ineligible to play in the game and, the coach, not wanting to forfeit the game, asked the remaining players to do double duty.

The fact that The Teenager was excited to play in both games was thrilling. The fact that she had the opportunity to ditch practice with her best friend and chose not to makes me weepy with parental pride. Weepy.

Volleyball has been a really good thing for The Teenager. Wait, that’s not 100% accurate; having a good coaching experience in volleyball has been a good thing for The Teenager. Last year’s coaching was less than stellar, to put it nicely. This year, the coaches are experienced in the Ways of the Adolescent and it shows.

I am so grateful for their guidance and for their support when The Teenager opted out of the ditching; they praised her good decision making without embarrassing her and they made her feel good about her decision.

Which she should be because, it was the right one and; she made it even though I know there was pressure from her friends not to.

I have new hope for The Teenager’s future. I believe she will continue to have a positive attitude, a respectful demeanor and a happy and relaxed experience in school but, to be on the safe side; I’m still whispering.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Fifteen:
Thirteen Absurdly Simple Things that Make Me Ridiculously Happy

1. My garden. Specifically, the fact that it is still growing and producing things this far into the season and that I have not killed it off with my frequent bouts of apathy. Seriously, the less I care, the better it does; it’s like it wants to please me. My garden is the High School tutor-nerd and I am the football jock king of the school; it totally wants to carry my books and help me do better in math even though its name is Shirley and I keep calling it Sherry. Or, you know, something like that.

2. My daughter’s apparent delight at being on the volleyball team. Gone is the surly teenager, long live the giddy sports-nut who has taken her place.

3. A good cup of coffee.

4. Being back on the school schedule.

5. Sleeping in on the weekends, even though “sleeping in” just means sleeping until 7:00.

6. Getting a new shipment of Netflix every week.

7. The fall issues of my favorite magazines-I love the autumn recipes and decorating ideas.

8. Making plans for Halloween, party? Haunted house? Whichever shall we do?

9. Seeing the first yellow leaves on the tree outside my window.

10. The return of Starbuck’s pumpkin spice latte.

11. Glee.

12. 3 lost pounds-fingers crossed that they are gone for good.

13. Saturday morning visits to the local farmer’s market.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Wednesday's Child is Full of Woe

Um, yeaahh...not so much.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Tuesdays With The Teenager

Edition Seven: It's Like the End of an Era

So, yeah, The Teenager doesn't want to play, anymore. That's ok, I've got another kid to guilt into entertaining me and ain't nobody can guilt a child like I can guilt a child so; look for an interview with the Man-Cub in the not so distant future.

Oh, also? The whole "it's so gay" thing? Yeah, when I called The Teenager on using that term I got an anoyed sigh, a supremely condescending eyeroll and the following statement: "Gay means like, stupid, Mom. I believe the homosexual population prefers to be called homosexual."

Well, excuuuuse me. Like, am I so stupid or what?

Monday, September 07, 2009

When it is Perfectly Okay to Have a Big Head

A) When your daughter’s volleyball team woops up on the competition at the weekend tournament and, not only has she earned the right to play in every game, but she refrains from flipping off the competition.


B) When you are a giant sunflower or the fa(ux)rmer who grew it.

Happy Labor Day!

Friday, September 04, 2009

Sixteen and Counting

When Hugh proposed to me on Christmas Day, 1992, the first words out of my mouth were “Oh, shit”. I would like to think that I have developed a tad more eloquence in the intervening years, at least enough to be able to express what I was really feeling in that moment, but; yeah, not so much.

The truth is; marriage is the ultimate huge, scary, Unknown. It is a roller-coaster ride of pleasure and pain, a trip through the dark woods at night with nothing but the glow of a small lantern to light the way. It is a leap of faith into an endlessly exciting abyss.

Marriage teases us with the idea of perfect happiness, giddy delight, the promise of a perfect union with the one person in the world who could possibly offer completion of our very soul and then, more often than not; delivers harsh reality in the form of petty arguments, miscommunication, disappointment and the stark realization that no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect; marriage is 99% work and 1% play and, who wants to come to that realization?

Frankly, "Oh, shit" sums it up, perfectly.

Sixteen years ago today Hugh and I stood before our family and friends and vowed to stick it out until the end. At the time, we had no idea what that might entail, what challenges we might face, what blessings we would encounter along the way and, to be perfectly honest; we still don’t have a clue.

But, I can’t imagine anyone I would rather have had next to me as I leapt into that abyss. "Oh, shit", indeed.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Fourteen:
Thirteen Ways in Which My Husband Annoys Me

1. He leaves half-full glasses of warm iced tea all over the house. Dishwasher? What is this dishwasher of which you speak?

2. When we are in the kitchen together and he is fixing himself a drink, he will inevitably try to put an ice cube down the back of my shirt just to hear me squeal.

3. He is never on time. I combat this by telling him that we are supposed to be someplace forty-five minutes before we are actually scheduled to arrive. It works for the most part although, you would think that after sixteen years of marriage, he would have caught on.

4. He blows his nose in the shower. In. The. Shower. My god.

5. We cannot watch a cop show, thriller, murder mystery, etc. without him telling me exactly what kind of gun any particular character is holding as well as the reasons that they aren’t holding it correctly. Baby, they are actors. It is all pretend. Chillax, already.

6. He leaves his dirty socks wherever he happens to take them off. Early in our marriage, he left them on the dining room table. There was an ugly scene. He is slightly more careful about where he leaves them, now. On a related topic, I recently discovered a pair of the Man-Cub’s dirty socks in the kitchen windowsill. Nature or nurture? Discuss.

7. On the rare occasion that he deigns to rub my feet, he falls asleep practically upon first squeeze. Seriously, it works better than any sedative known to man alas; I cannot harness the power for profit.

8. He procrastinates. Constantly.

9. He starts a project minutes before we are due to have company. From what I hear, this is a universal flaw of men.

10. He waits until I am finished with laundry before handing me a garment that needs to be washed, immediately. Dude, I do laundry every Sunday. Get with the program.

11. He keeps items of clothing until they are so tattered and worn that they are practically falling off him. Darling? There should be only three or four holes in a pair of underwear: the two leg holes, the hole from which you do your business and the opening at the waist. Period. Anything else is considered overkill.

12. When I ask him what he wants for dinner, his inevitable answer is “I don’t know” or “whatever”, neither of which I know how to cook.

13. The fact that none of these things bothers me half as much as they amuse me. Damnit.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

September, Already. Where Does the Time Go?

It seems like once the kids are back in school, time goes into warp drive, hurtling ever faster toward the inevitable day that they will be grown and gone and Hugh and I are forced to resort to discussions of denture adhesive and whether or not we are getting enough bran in our diets. I’m not really looking forward to those days although, from what I hear, they are making remarkable strides in the effectiveness of those adhesives.

And, you know, there is a lot to be said for growing old together.

Speaking of which, Hugh and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary this Friday. We aren’t planning any big celebration and, while I would dearly love to celebrate in on the island of Barbados again; we will settle for dinner at a nice restaurant. After all, we have to save our pennies if we are going to spend our 20th anniversary in Europe which is our current goal.

Speaking of goals, The Teenager made the B1 team in volleyball which is the squad that she was hoping to make. We are both happy for her and proud of her and very much looking forward to watching her play in the first tournament this weekend.

Because she has been so busy with volleyball practice, school and maintaining a healthy social life, Tuesdays with The Teenager might be spotty for awhile; she still wants to do it on occasion so, we’ll play it by ear.

The Man-Cub is more than willing to step in during her absence but; I have promised The Teenager that I won’t allow that; TWTT being our special “thing”. I might, however, come up with something similar (yet totally different) for the Cub. We’ll see.

On the topic of the Cub, football practice started last night and the child is thrilled beyond belief to be playing again. He loves the pads and the helmet and the fact that he gets to tackle people. He is not so much on board with being tackled but, you know, that’s how the game is played.

Currently, he is in the running for either the Quarterback or Running Back position; we should know more about that this evening or at tomorrow’s practice. Despite the fact that I cheered for it in High School; I don’t know a lot about football. I am relatively certain that both the Quarterback and the Running Back are major targets as far as being tackled goes and; I am very grateful for the fact that my son runs very, very fast.

Here’s hoping we avoid any major injuries. Also, it is probably time to update our Aflac coverage.

That is all.