Friday, May 31, 2013

Well, That Was Uncomfortable

Yesterday, while I was working on the books at the hardware store, an old gentleman poked his head into my office and asked me for help in purchasing a lottery ticket. Since the rest of the staff was busy, I was more than happy to help him out.

Until he started making sexually inappropriate jokes and asking me if I had any single girlfriends that might be interested in living with him, since, you know, he is looking for a young gal to take care of his "needs".

It was uncomfortable and awkward and I now know to avoid the man like the plague should he ever enter the store again while I am on the premises.

Bobbie, our store manager, thought it was totally hilarious until I pointed out the fact that he is most likely to BE that guy in another forty years or so. It wasn't so funny, then.

To him, I mean.

I found it quite amusing, until I realized how accurate a statement it was. Then it was just additionally awkward and uncomfortable.

It's ok; I went home and took a shower and all was right with the world.

I still plan to avoid the old pervert like the plague, in case there was any doubt.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

You Know How I Always Look Forward to a Relaxing Summer?

Yeahhhhh.....about that....

The Man-Cub started baseball. He has practice three nights a week, games two nights a week and two games on Saturdays. He also attends basketball practice/open gym four days a week and will be attending a basketball camp out of town later in the week. He wants to get a job. He is an over-achiever.

The Teenager is still working at the pizza parlor. She starts volleyball practice next week. She has scheduled several college tours in the coming weeks and she has two or three volleyball camps to attend as well. Then, there is her social life, which, keeps her as busy as she can find time for.

My plans for frequent Porch Nights are being threatened, as are Hugh's plans for numerous lazy days spent on the lake.

One thing I will not give up is my planned trip to Mayberry for Stampede. Nor will I miss Girl's Weekend, which, fingers crossed, will take place sometime in June. I need those two things like a fish needs water or a like Lucy needed Ethel.

In the meanwhile, I guess I will invest in sunscreen for the plethora of hours that I will be spending in the bleachers at the ball park as well as enough sunflower seeds to fuel the entire baseball team, since I know how quickly the Cub goes through them. And, if I am lucky, I will manage two or three Porch Nights.

Guess I'll have to make the most of them when they happen.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Cue the World's Most Annoying Song, Like, EVER

Hugh's trip to Virginia went well. Out of 85 officials, he was the only one to represent Colorado. He was, not, however, the only person from Colorado; his roommate, to whom he was randomly assigned and whom he had not met prior to the tournament, grew up in Colorado.

In my hometown.

Where he graduated from high school with my older sister.

 His younger brother was just a year older than me and I remember him, well.

My dad coached them both in flag football.

He moved to Florida after graduation and has lived there ever since.

Mind. Blown.

It really is a small world after all.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Things I Have Accomplished This Weekend

  • Sleeping in past 7:00, three mornings in a row.
  • Laying in the sunshine.
  • Observing the full moon through the Man-Cub's telescope.
  • Shopping for summer clothing with The Teenager.
  • Watching an NCIS Los Angeles marathon on DVD.
  • Eating a pound of fresh-although, not local-cherries while lounging on the porch.
  • Antique store hopping with my co-worker.
  • A pedicure in OPI's Jinx shade, from the Women of James Bond collection.
  • A facial.
  • A long, candlelit soak in the tub, with a glass of really delicious wine.
  • Reading a new Jodi Picoult novel.

It doesn't seem like much, but, that was kind of the point. Hugh is in Virginia, officiating at a large wrestling tournament and the kids and I decided that a nice quiet, relaxing three-day weekend was just what we needed in order to start the summer off on the right note.

Tomorrow, I head back to work, and, I can honestly say; I feel energized and ready to tackle another week.

I think that's just what three-day weekends are meant for.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Schooooooool's Out For Summah!

Yesterday was the last day of school for The Teenager and the Man-Cub. Today, the newly minted Senior allowed her brother, the Freshman, to join in the festivities at her annual end-of-school party. She suggested that he take notes since he will be responsible for planning the event next year, which he argued was incorrect since The Teenager can still host the party as a graduated Senior. The Teenager conceded the argument and the two wandered off to squirt the slip'n'slide with additional baby shampoo (for extra slipperiness).

It was, by far, the most mature conversation that I have heard them have to date and I swear I felt the Earth shift on its' axis.

Luckily, the conversation was followed by a decidedly less mature display, in the form of a water fight, and the universe righted itself once more.

And then the fun began...


At one point, I counted forty-nine kids on the lawn, porch, and slip'n'slide. The party lasted for the better part of six hours and, an hour later, the lawn was clear and, with the exception of the dead spot on the lawn where the plastic had been staked down; there was not a single thing to indicate that we had hosted a party.

Those kids' mommas raised them right, is what I'm thinking.

It's a Sad Age We Live In

On occasion, my co-workers deal with somewhat unstable individuals. My department tends not to deal with unstable people, but, because we all share the same building, we are all at risk of becoming the victims of an unfortunate situation.

In order to be as prepared as possible for the unlikely event that a client goes postal on the office, we  developed safety plans, as one does. We have known that we would be drilled on the plans at some point in time, but, when management surprised us with an active shooter drill yesterday, it became pretty clear that not everyone in the office was prepared to fight for their lives.

Except for co-worker and me, that is; we totally kicked ass on the drill and ended up being the sole survivors in our office building.

Unlike our fellow office mates, co-worker and I had actually practiced our plan prior to the drill. Like, numerous times. So, when we heard the first "shots", we were up and in action immediately. Had there been a true threat, we would have had ample opportunity to call 911 from our designated safe place as well as having an escape route and means for protecting ourselves, if it came down to hand-to-hand combat.

As you may imagine, we felt pretty smug about our success.

The drill was discussed at length in our staff meeting later in the day and several new plans are in the works for our co-workers who weren't so successful. We are all on heightened awareness for the next drill, as well.

Co-worker and I are probably more aware than anyone else in the building, however, because; it's now personal between us and the volunteer who acted as the gunman. He really wanted a perfect kill record and we totally screwed him out of it.

Next time, we are hitting him with a chair.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


A number of years back, I was given a wicker planter for my front porch. It wasn't in the best of shape but I used it and I loved it.

This past weekend, I decided to give the planter a face lift. I really like the way it turned out and now I find myself scouring thrift shops, antique stores and junk shops for more pieces that I can paint.

Next thing you know, I will be attempting projects that I see on Pinterest.

Oh, wait....I already do that.

Anyway...this is the planter before:

And, this is the planter after:

I know, right?! Cherry red is totally my new favorite color.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Cute Shoes

Warmer weather has finally decided to grace us with its presence and I have treated the higher temperatures as an opportunity to break my shoe collection out of winter hibernation. My co-worker took notice of the cute shoes and made a full week out of posting my feet to Instagram.

She's sort of awesome.

She's also introduced me to all the fun apps available for my iPhone and has patiently coached me through the ins and outs of Voxing, Bumping, and creating my very own virtual voodoo doll; all of which I will be forever grateful.

My shoes, it should be noted, also enjoyed their fifteen minutes of fame, courtesy of co-worker.

As an aside, I really hope our supervisor never realizes just how much time I spend with my feet up on my desk; I do not think she would approve.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Weekend? What is This "Weekend" of Which You Speak?

I spent the last two days weeding my flowerbeds (three hours, damn you, bindweed, damn you!), shopping for flowers for my window boxes (four nurseries and the best that I could come up with was petunias, pansies, geraniums, and Candytuft; it was a bit disappointing, to be honest), planting said window boxes, planting my vegetable garden, hosing down the porch in anticipation of The Teenager's annual last-day-of-school slip'n'slide party, and spray-painting a couple of wicker pieces for the porch.

I am so sore I can't believe it, and, this is despite a two-hour soak in the tub last night (with glass of wine, naturally).

On the bright side, I also got to enjoy a thrift-store sojourn with my friends from work (score: a vintage wicker table and an antique hand-wringer, which; made an excellent planter for the Candytuft I purchased), and, Hugh and I made time to take in a performance of 1776, a Musical at our local community theater, so; it wasn't all drudgery and sweat.

Just, you know, most of it.

Which, is why I am really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow; I need the rest.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Nothing is Truly Lost Until Mom Can't Find It

So, it's probably a wee bit late to be writing about Mother's Day, but, as a mother, I have the perfect defense for my tardiness: I was BUSY.

And, by busy, I mean that I was working. And cleaning. And doing laundry. And trying to decide what to plant in my porch planters this year. And, cooking. And, you know, doing mom things.

Plus, to be perfectly honest, my legs were killing me from standing up for over an hour on Friday night, handing out leis to the incoming Freshmen on heels that were totally inappropriate for the task, although, cute as Hell....

...and I digress.

So, Mother's Day...

The Man-Cub presented me with a memory book that he had been working on in school for at least the last month. I know this because I spent the last month digging through boxes of photos and scanning pictures from scrapbooks at his request. I also spent precious brain cells debating whether Mrs. Wilson was his second grade teacher or his first  grade teacher before unearthing photographic evidence that proved me wrong on both counts (Third grade! Who knew?).

Anyway, the memory book was entirely adorable; it provided me a trip down memory lane and a glimpse into the Man-Cub's fevered imagination, both of which I enjoyed, thoroughly.

I do, however,  blame the book for the resulting lingering feeling of melancholy that I have since been experiencing. I mean, my baby isn't such a baby, anymore. Neither of my babies are still babies, actually. And, that makes for a bit of sentimentality no matter how you cut it.

On the bright side, my memories of the time when they were babies are awesome and heartwarming, and, I fully intend to indulge myself in flipping through my mental Rolodex as frequently as I can....

...days spent poolside, the sound of childrens' laughter echoing from the walls of the building and skipping over the water....

...the smell of sunscreen, generously applied to chubby thighs and dimpled elbows....

...Popsicle stains on white onesies...

...fingers, arms, legs and faces, coated in a thick layer of colorful sidewalk chalk following the reveal of the latest driveway masterpiece...

...a damp, sun-warmed body curled up next to mine as we gently sway to and fro on the big wooden swing-a swing purchased mere days prior to learning that I was going to be a mother for the first time...

...the first lost tooth and the wonder at the discovery of glittering dust, carelessly tracing the Tooth Fairy's path from the windowsill to pillow...

...butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, fishy kisses, and the promise of loving each other to infinity and beyond...

...these aren't things that will be easily forgotten. Nor should they be.

So, yes, I missed a post on Mother's Day.

Because I was busy being a mother.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Introducing the Class of 2017

Best. Continuation. EVER!

That's the word on the street, anyway. And, by street, I of course mean Facebook.

So, the reviews are in and the kids report having had the best time, ever. The teachers and administration have had nothing but glowing praise for our efforts, and, the committee left the event with hugs, high-fives, and the promise of an evening of wine and relaxation on my porch at a date to be determined, later, and; my feet are almost 100% recovered.


The decorations were the talk of the school and our Pirates in Paradise theme was a huge hit. I bitch about my sore feet and exhaustion, but, truth-be-told, it really didn't take all that much to pull it all off.

Of course, the kids were the best decoration of all.

After all my decorating duties were complete, I had the pleasure of chauffeuring the Man-Cub and his date to their dinner destination where they joined several other couples for a steak dinner prepared for them by an actual chef.

The kids were a tad bit overwhelmed by the fanciness of the gesture and by the whole "date" experience, but they gradually warmed up and I think they had a good time. Plus, they looked adorable.

The boys cleaned up especially well, I thought.

And, it didn't take too long before they were acting just as normally as usual, which, isn't to say very much but, they are kids.

And, they continued to be kids once we got back to the school for the ceremony. Or, that's what I told myself right up until the Man-Cub walked across the stage to receive his achievement certificate.

Then, I cried.

But, I wasn't alone in that, so, I didn't feel the slightest bit embarrassed.

In fact, there were at least 72 other moms crying their eyes out in the audience. 72 out of 88 incoming Freshmen (just threw up in my mouth a little) attending the continuation was unheard of at the school (we had been told to prepare for less than half of the class showing up), and, I can't help but think that it is a very good omen for the coming four years.

After weeping over the ceremony, we all got a chance to weep during the first parent-student dance, and, while I was still pretty emotional, I managed to hide it. You know, for the sake of the Man-Cub. Then, we took a few family pictures (during which The Teenager actually wept over the fact that her little brother is now taller than her) before releasing the parents to return to their homes and the teenagers to return to their partying.

And, boy did they ever party.

Before the DJ announced the last dance at 10:00, those kids had danced to all their favorite songs, eaten their way through numerous bags of chips, guzzled 21 gallons of Hawaiian Punch, posed for probably a thousand pictures and swapped leis at least five or six times.

It was magical.

And, it goes without saying, we are super-proud of those kids.

The Fearsome Foursome, who are now Freshmen.

God help us all.

Friday, May 10, 2013

My Dogs Are Barking

I just got back from decorating for tonight's Continuation ceremony and my feet are KILLING me. That will teach me to wear platform sandals on a day when I have to run around with fake surfboards, tiki torches, inflatable palm trees, and silk leis for three hours, now, won't it?

On the bright side, the Middle School cafeteria looks AMAZING. We really outdid ourselves as a committee.

Now, I am off to take pictures of the Man-Cub and his date before the dance; they are meeting a group of friends at the home of one of their classmates (the son of a Porch Night Lady) for a steak dinner and we can't miss this opportunity to heckle them until they blush.

After all, rosy cheeks look ever so lovely in photos.

Before I go, though, I am totally changing into a pair of shoes that doesn't make me want to cut my own feet off with a rusty knife, because; rusty knives and bloodshed do NOT feature in our Pirates in Paradise theme.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

It Beats Two Tin Cans and a Piece of String

The Teenager, the Man-Cub and I just got our new iPhones, which officially brings us into the current century.

Despite its' similarity to my iPod, the phone is presenting somewhat of a learning curve for me, and, will clearly take some getting used to, but I'm totally up for the challenge.

The Teenager, it should be noted, required no such learning curve, in fact, she was the one to set up our phones. She has also shown a great deal of patience in walking me through the features with which I am unfamiliar and has refrained from too much eye-rolling and deep sighing.

Now, I just have to get used to typing on a screen rather than on a keypad, and, really; how hard can that be?

There's probably an app for that, right?

The Winter That Would Not End

Some parts of our state saw six inches of new snow yesterday. Here in Petticoat Junction, it has been raining for four straight days, with temperatures hovering in the high 40's.

I have no flowers of which to speak, which is really unusual for this time of year. Our grass is not exactly what I would call "green", and the leaves on the trees in the yard have only just started to show any indication of buds.

I'm bummed by all of the above.

Generally, by this time in May, I am laboring over the flower boxes that line the railing on my porch.

I usually have a few vegetable plants stored in the garage, awaiting transplant in my garden.

Hugh has generally retrieved the Sea Chelle from winter storage and we are usually planning for her return to the lake by stocking up on sunscreen, new beach towels, and, tiny bottles of wine.

Most importantly, I have usually planned the inaugural Porch Night festivities for the current year.

This year?

Not feeling it.

Not feeling it at all.

On the bright side, I have been planning the tropical-themed party for the Man-Cub's Continuation, and, seeing the beach-themed props and brightly-colored decorations has gone a long way to keep me from just curling into a ball and rocking in the corner.

On the not-so-bright side, Continuation is tomorrow night, so, the weather better damn well improve over the weekend or I will have nothing to look forward to and might very well find myself in that corner.

And, we can't have that.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

We Might Want to Throw a Fire Drill Into the Office Training

As I was sitting at my desk today, I began to smell the odor of burning toast. It didn't make sense to me, what with the whole "being at work" thing, and, I immediately decided that I was about to have a stroke.

Because, I once heard that smelling burning toast-when there is no burning toast- is the first symptom of a stroke.

And, no, I can't remember where I heard that.

Try to stay on topic, people.

Anyway, I turned off my computer, straightened the paperwork on my desk and waited for the inevitable blinding pain.

A few minutes later, when the pain had failed to materialize, I ventured down the corridor to the kitchen, where I found a co-worker holding a burned tortilla.

The tortillas were left over from our office Seis de Mayo party on Monday and the co-worker had burned it while trying to heat in up on the stovetop burner.

I'm sure her application to MENSA will be approved any day now.

Except, it won't, because; she had no idea that the first sign of an impending stroke is smelling the odor of burnt toast.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Promapalooza, The Final Chapter

The Teenager is finally done with the prom season. She attended the last dance with a friend from a town just a little under an hour away and it was, according to her; the best decorated prom of the three that she attended.

The theme was Alice in Wonderland and I am totally bummed to have missed seeing the decorations. I can only hope that the professional pictures will showcase some of the finer props, since, according to The Teenager, they were awesome, and, a sight to behold.

Thanks to the mother of her date, I did at least manage to get some pictures of the kids. They were adorable and lovely, despite the fact that her date took a baseball to the face the week prior to prom and was sporting a black eye.

Actually, it was more purple than black, which, considering The Teenager's choice in dress, matched better than one might have expected.

The black eye is in fitting with the general theme of these pictures, which, the deer target in the background clearly indicates, is Redneck Nation.

Yeah, I have no idea, either.

Anyway, Promapalooza 2013 has now officially come to a close.

Maybe next year, she will attend one prom and call it a day; my discretionary portrait budget would be most appreciative.

Which, reminds me.....

Hooterville Prom

Pixler Prom
At some point, I will add the official photo from the latest prom and then I will have a complete collection.

Hey, I have to have something to show for the money.