Thursday, March 29, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Fourteen:
Thirteen Things I Am Going To Do This Weekend

1. Fly to Phoenix with my husband. Just the two of us.

2. Check into a luxurious resort.

3. Get dressed up and attend a grown-up cocktail party.

4. Stay up late.

5. Enjoy a glass (or six) of good wine.

6. Sleep In.

7. Spend some quality time with a college roommate who now lives in Phoenix.

8. Laugh until my sides hurt.

9. Lounge by the pool.

10. Eat something really bad for me. Probably from room service. While wearing a fluffy robe that doesn't belong to me. Scandalous.

11. Read a good book.

12. Visit the Sephora in the Scottsdale mall to replenish my stock of Philosophy products.

13. Enjoy a spa treatment.

Do I sound spoiled? I am, of course but, this is a business trip. Hugh has a dealer meeting to attend and the stay at the resort is totally on the dealer’s dime so, while I am certainly privileged, it won’t be costing Hugh and me a cent and, that, my friends, is the best way to travel.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Jupiter Aligns With Mars

I have a favorite radio station that I listen to each morning while driving to work. I really enjoy the morning show with DJ’s, Steve and Rhonda. They are entertaining as hell and I can always count on them for a laugh.

This morning, the guest on the morning show was an astrologist named Dulce. Dulce was taking calls from listeners, reading their charts and answering their questions regarding their astrological future and I though, hey! I wanna know how my planets are aligned! so; I whipped out my cell phone and dialed away.

Now, I have called that radio station no less than one million times over the past several years, trying to win the morning trivia game and not once have I been greeted with anything other than a busy signal so, imagine my surprise when Steve picked up on the first ring…

Steve: Good morning, Mix! What’s your question for Dulce?
Chelle: Um….hi….are we like, on the air?
Steve: Yes! You’re on the air with Steve and Rhonda! What’s your question for Dulce?!

My mind was as blank as Katie Holmes’ stare. I mean, I always get a busy signal.

Chelle: Well….um…..I just wanted to know….um… my...uh... financial future is looking?

Which, I really wasn’t wondering but, it didn’t seem right to squeal “I didn’t think you’d actually pick up!” before hanging up the phone like some Junior High school girl making a prank call so, I was, you know, winging it.

And, for the record, Dulce said that my financial outlook is excellent which I can only take to mean that, the next time I call with the answer to the morning trivia game; I won't get a freaking busy signal and I am like totally going to win.

It's written in the stars, people.

Monday, March 26, 2007

My Weekend as a Single Parent

Friday night’s Pinewood Derby went very well. While the kids enjoyed chilidogs and root beer floats, the adults chatted and made car-pool plans for the summer day camp. Then, we applauded as the boys received the awards and badges they have earned throughout the year. The award ceremony was exciting, of course, but the boys were anxious to get the race underway.

The Man-Cub’s car performed well in the races although he did not take home any honors for speed, he did win an award for the Best Paint Job as well as one for Best Design, so he was pretty happy. We took a photo of the Cub and his plaques with my camera phone and sent it to Hugh, who was delighted with the news.

By the time we got the VFW hall cleaned up and finally made it home, the kids were pretty tired and I was ready to call it a day. Plus, we had to get up very early the following morning to drive to the wrestling tournament.

As expected, the alarm’s blaring the next morning was about as welcome as a hemorrhoid but, what can you do? I was a single mom with a kid to get places. Plus, I had to pick up one of the Cub’s teammates whose single parent was working and who couldn’t make it to the tourney.

Once we had everyone in the car, coffee cups and hot cocoa in hand, my weariness had mostly worn off and I was ready to face a long day. And, a long day it was. The Cub’s bracket was rather large which made for a lot of sitting around and waiting for him to wrestle. I killed the time by visiting with one of the other moms; she is also a single mom and we commiserated over our responsibilities.

I am kidding, of course; I told her how amazing I think she is since she is raising three boys by herself while putting herself through nursing school and still managing to make it possible for the boys to participate in sports and school activities. I am in awe of her and other parents like her because one weekend alone with two kids and a disabled dog just about does me in, I swear.

So, you are probably wondering how the Cub did. Well, you are if you are related to me in which case, hi guys! The Cub won his first match, lost his second match and won his third match, which put him in third place over-all. Not too bad considering how large his bracket was and the fact that he was on the low end of the weight class.

We kept Hugh informed of the Cub’s progress by sending pictures on the cell phone and by calling him before and after each match but, I could tell that he wished he was there. Him and me, both.

After the tournament, I dropped The Girl off at a friend’s party, where she stayed for pretty much the rest of the day. The Cub and I ran errands and I steam-cleaned my carpets before falling into bed, fairly exhausted.

Sunday was a lazy day. The kids and I blew the guts out of a dozen eggs and decorated the shells for Easter. We had never done that before and it was pretty cool. While the eggs dried, we went to see The Last Mimzy which was pretty cute. Unfortunately, it wasn’t really a movie suitable for toddlers and infants yet the theater was over-run with just that demographic so, we missed a bit of the dialogue and I admit to being confused a couple of times because of it. No biggie, though.

When we got home, we ate dinner and the kids spent an ungodly amount of time jumping on the trampoline before bedtime. At which time, I watched the series finale of Rome (not bad, for a complete re-write of history) before going to bed only to be awakened by The Girl puking her guts out in my bathroom an hour later.

She was sick the rest of the night, so I kept her home today. She is sleeping now so I think the crisis has passed. Which is a good thing since, the moment she started hurling, I became convinced that salmonella had poisoned her during craft hour.

That would have been hard to explain to her father upon his return this evening.

Also, whoo-hoo! No more single parenting!

Friday, March 23, 2007


Hey, you know when it kind of sucks that your mom reads your blog? When she calls you just to say that; after reading that day, she just had to make tuna noodle casserole thingie-me-bob for herself and for your father and, oh my, but it was gooood! And, of course she wishes you could be there to share in the cheesy goodness of the tuna noodle casserole thingie-me-bob, but, surely your dinner of reheated left-overs must be just as lovely.

Thank you, Mother. Really. Thank you. This will not at all affect my decision when it come time to pick out your nursing home.

In equally depressing news; I am having a bad day.

Hugh is in Chicago on business and I miss him. Mostly because I had to pick up the first ever pile of dog crap from my carpeting this morning which, had he been here, would have been his responsibility.

To clarify; this was the first time the dog has crapped on the carpeting, not the first time the dog has crapped because, well, obviously.

And, while the rational part of me couldn’t even be mad at the dog what with the whole bit about him being broken and not necessarily able to make it out the door on time, the irrational part of me had an entirely different reaction.

There may have been cussing. And, possibly, a not very well-veiled threat of sending a certain animal to the pound.

Which might have sent the children into tears and may have caused The Man-Cub to sob, “Please, no! I beg of you!”. If that happened, it would not have made me feel like the worst parent, ever, in the history of the world, I assure you.

Also, I have some prime ocean-front property in Arizona that I am interested in selling. Call me; I’ll make you a sweet deal.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should also tell you that I gained another pound this week, a fact that I discovered just moments prior to discovering the pile ‘o crap. That may have added to my irritation. So, I am breaking up with Cheese-Its; he just keeps doing me wrong.

In much brighter news, tonight is the Man-Cub’s Boy Scout troop’s pinewood derby. Hugh was crushed when he found out the date conflicted with his business trip but there was nothing to be done. He and the Cub worked so hard on the car, it really is a shame that he will miss it but, I will do my best to document the momentous occasion on film.

And, you know, not to threaten banishment to the pound on anyone who might irritate me. Even if they deserve it.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Thirteen:
Thirteen Things That I Will Eat With Reckless Abandon

After my last Thirteen, Sophisticated Writer, asked whatever in the world I do eat, so, here you have it.

1. Chocolate. Just like every other female in the world.

2. Fresh cherries. Luckily, I live in an area well known for its delicious cherries. Sadly, they are only available during cherry season which means that I have to get in a whole lot of cherry eating in a relatively short period of time. I’m generally up to the task and, contrary to what my mother thinks; eating my weight in cherries at one sitting has never given me a stomachache.

3. Cheese-It crackers. There is a small possibility that I am addicted to these. If so, it would take a Twelve-Step program to break me of the habit. Luckily for my ass, I particularly enjoy the reduced fat variety. Unfortunately, eating the entire box does tend to cancel out the reduced fat properties but, you know, I can stop whenever I want! I don’t have a problem!

4. My mother’s tuna and noodles casserole thingie-me-bob. I know! After all the blehing and bleching I did about seafood and fish last week! But, as I said, tuna is different and, my mother mixes it with cheese! And, soft noodles! And, there are peas in it! And, it sounds horrendous but I love it.

5. Chinese hot and sour soup.

6. Krispie Kreme donuts. Sooo bad and yet, sooo good.

7. Pasta. In just about any form and with just about any Italian sauce. I especially love a good, long-simmered marinara.

8. Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. Chocolate, marshmallow cream, caramel and little fudge fishes. Look! There are some types of fish that I will eat! Who knew?

9. Salad. Fresh greens, carrots, crunchy bell peppers, red onion and grape tomatoes that go Pop! in your mouth, all topped with vinaigrette and crunchy croutons.

10. Marinated grilled chicken breast. No dark meat, please.

11. Potato Crack. From Rachael Ray’s 365: No Repeats-A Year of Deliciously Different Dinners, recipe #223. She calls it by some incredibly complicated name, as she is wont to do with all her recipes, but it is basically baked potatoes, scraped from the skins and mashed with sour cream, caramelized onion, mushrooms, thyme and smoked gouda cheese and then piped back into the skins and baked until golden. Potato. Crack. I could make an entire meal out of this alone.

12. Triple Berry Yogurt. Raspberries, blackberries and blueberries topped with fat-free vanilla yogurt and chilled. It’s almost better than ice cream. Almost.

13. Pizza. Specifically, The Gilligan, a ham, pineapple and cheese pizza made by our local pizzeria. Oddly enough, my cat, which just happens to be named Gilligan, also loves this pizza and will howl pitifully at my feet until I give him a small piece. He’s a bit spoiled but, he’s fourteen and, the bible tells us to be kind to our elders. It's what Jesus would do!

So, see; I do eat! Just not, you know, gross stuff.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Last night, I made tortillas to go with the massive pot of chili that I had bubbling on the stove. I used to make tortillas a lot back in the days before eating something consisting primarily of white flour and lard seemed counterintuitive to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. In fact, I think I made them every time we had chili as well as for an occasional snack to be eaten with butter and honey. Apparently, Hugh misses the good old days because he ate almost the entire batch last night, practically body-checking The Girl in his hurry to beat her to the last one.

It amused me.

The part where he was so unabashedly happy to eat something lovingly prepared by my hands as opposed to the part where he ran over our firstborn, in case you were confused.

As I watched him slather butter on the last morsel of his incredibly unhealthy treat, we had the following conversation.

Hugh: These are so good.
Chelle: Thank you.
Hugh: You could, like, go into business and sell them, they are so good.
Chelle: I don’t know; it would take a lot of tortillas to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed.
Hugh: That’s true. They would have to be golden tortillas or something.
Chelle: Are you saying I’m spoiled?
Hugh: …………..
Chelle: Eat your tortilla.

I may be spoiled but I am also brilliant, having finally come up with a title for my Spring Luncheon table. The title; Untitled. See, I'm using an antique typewriter for my centerpiece and my hostess gift is a blank journal and….well; it seemed clever when I thought of it and, since I haven’t come up with anything better, Untitled, it is.

This goes to show that I am spoiled and lazy; go, me!

Monday, March 19, 2007


17 comments on the last post. Who would have though my refusal to eat crustaceans or mangos would spark such controversy? I was happy to see that the vast majority of people agree with me on the topic of Rocky Mountain Oysters, however.

As for the foods that I do like, well, I had a few of them this weekend. Hugh made the trip to Denver to officiate at Rocky Mountain Nationals so the kids and I were free to indulge the way we usually do when we are left alone; by getting our chow on at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. We also had breakfast at the local diner and lunch at a fast-food drive-in because we like to live large and calories don’t scare us.

Besides, we managed to work off a tremendous amount of those empty calories by doing manual labor around the house all weekend. For instance, on Saturday, I spent almost eight hours cleaning. You heard me; eight hours. The house had not been properly cleaned since before the Man-Cub started wrestling and we had the dust bunny population to prove it. Clearly, something had to be done and I was just the woman to do it. So, I washed windows. I scrubbed bathtubs. I moved furniture and crawled around on the floor, scrubbing the baseboards. I vacuumed every conceivable surface of the house including the furniture, the curtains, the tops of the kitchen cabinets and, I’ll admit it, the dog.

Hey, he loved it! He particularly enjoyed the vigorous rub-down with the furniture attachment which I’m sure felt just like a fabulous massage one might get at one of those fancy doggie day- spas.

When I was done, I gloated over my sparkling and pristine house for a good ten minutes before the dust re-settled and the children tracked in the first new dirt at which point I briefly toyed with changing my name to Sisyphus before deciding against it given how easily it could be confused with a certain venereal disease of similar name. So, I just wept a little, instead.

On the off-chance that eight hours of hard labor wasn’t enough to thoroughly exercise the extra large order of tater tots from my ass, on Sunday, I spent three hours hunched over the flowerbeds, pulling weeds, cleaning out dead leaves, mulching around the tulip and daffodils and raking up the debris.

While I toiled away at the pruning of my mum bushes, I made the kids cruise the front lawn with a shovel and a wheelbarrow, picking up dog poop. They were not overly enthusiastic about the job, as one might suspect. But, in a page taken directly from my Dad’s book of parenting, I offered to buy them each an ice cream once we were done and the deal was sealed.

For the record, my dad offered ice cream as a bribe to get my sisters and me to rake leaves from underneath the lilac bushes in our front yard when we were young. It worked fairly well for him until we hit Jr. High and became aware that our friends might see us raking leaves, gasp! No amount of ice cream in the world was worth that humiliation, I assure you. Vanity, thy name is Chelle!

Heh, I guess I had better take full advantage of the Ice Cream for Labor deal while my kids are still young. And, you know, not vain.

Anyway, the weekend wasn’t all toil and despair, I did manage to get in a pedicure and I watched a few DVDs (Employee of the Month which wasn’t as bad as I had expected and The Prestige which wasn’t as good as I had hoped but was still worth watching because, Hugh Jackman, rowwrr).

Today I have a wicked backache which is clearly God’s way of punishing me for not observing his mandated Day of Rest. Lesson learned, Lord! Next Sunday, the most strenuous thing that I plan to do will involve lifting a drink to my mouth.

Dust bunnies be damned.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Twelve:
Thirteen Things I Will Not Eat

1. Seafood. Including lobster, crab, shrimp and anything else that once swam in the sea. Or, rather, skulked along the bottom of the sea, hoovering up fecal debris from other fish. Bleh!

2. Liver. No, just, no. Once, my mother forced me to eat it and I blew chunks all over the dinner table. Not a pretty scene, I assure you.

3. Fish. For the same reason that I won’t eat seafood. Seriously, I can’t even eat in a restaurant that has fish tanks in it, people. The odd exception to this rule is canned tuna. I don’t know; it just doesn’t seem fishy to me. Maybe tuna really is the chicken of the sea.

4. Mango, something about the texture triggers my gag reflex.

5. Rocky Mountain Oysters. I prefer not to put genitals in my mouth, thank you very much.

6. Rare beef. If you poke it and it bleeds, you have no business putting it in your mouth.

7. Pickled peppers, okra, or any other vegetable with the exception of cucumbers which were meant to be pickled.

8. Cucumbers, minus the pickling.

9. Anything one might see eaten during the food challenge on Survivor.

10. Large mushrooms. I try to keep my fungus consumption restricted to the itty-bitty white button variety.

11. Sardines. See #1 and #3.

12. Veal. The texture reminds me of liver.

13. Sweet potatoes prepared with marshmallows, sugar, butter, etc. However, I will eat sweet potatoes baked or mashed. I mean, come on people, sweet potatoes are already sweet, hence the name; sweet potato.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

100 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

In honor of the 100th post to this blog, I plan to bore you to tears with my very favorite subject; me!

You're welcome!

1. I was born on November 28, 1968 in a small town in Colorado.

2. I have two children, one girl and one boy.

3. I have been married to Hugh since September 4, 1993.

4. I am addicted to Diet Pepsi in a 24 oz. plastic bottle. I don’t drink soda from a can. Ever.

5. I am the middle child. I have an older sister and a younger sister.

6. My parents have been married for over forty years. To each other, even.

7. I have a group of six college girlfriends who know everything about me and who love me anyway.

8. I tried to smoke a cigarette while on Spring Break in Mazatlan with the same six friends. They have never let me forget it, either.

9. I have never done an illegal drug in my life. And I'm not just saying that because my parents read this. Hi, Dad!

10. I did keep cocaine in my freezer for a while, though. Hugh was a drug enforcement officer who trained drug-sniffing dogs, so it was entirely legal. I swear.

11. I was a cheerleader in high school.

12. I had one boyfriend all the way through high school and college. Which goes a loooong way in explaining #29 on this list.

13. I only dated my husband for six months before he proposed to me.

14. I have a BA in Humanities with a split-minor in English and History and a minor in Psychology. I also have a Teaching degree. With the exception of writing this rag, I use virtually none of that fine education.

15. But I still don’t think that going to college was a waste of my time.

16. I have a job that I am virtually unqualified for. It's been eight years; you would think someone would have noticed by now.

17. I never went through the “I hate my mother” stage. And I still love her and want to be just like her when I grow up.

18. I am scared to death that my daughter will not only go through the “I hate my mother” stage, but will become the Mayor of I Hate My Motherville.

19. When I was six I stole penny candy from Safeway. My mother made me take it back and tried to convince the store manager to call the police so they could have a “talk” with me.

20. I’ve not stolen anything, since.

21. I currently provide a home to one mentally deficient black lab, one yellow lab, a fourteen-year-old marmalade kitty, a red and blue beta fish and three hermit crabs.

22. I used to think that I wanted to restore and live in an old Victorian house.

23. Then Hugh and I spent three years remodeling our current home and now, I think; fuck that shit.

24. I have a wicked and sarcastic sense of humor.

25. My Dad used to tell me that I had a very sharp tongue and my mother was forever begging me to just freaking hold it, already!

26. My older sister and I never got along very well as kids, but we like each other ok now.

27. My younger sister and I always got along. Except for that one time I made her eat a piece of raw hamburger and she threw up. I don’t think she liked me very much that day.

28. Someday I will write the great American novel.

29. I have logged more designated driver mileage than just about anyone I know.

30. I am a fabulous cook.

31. Everyone I know loves my soft sugar cookies. Even people who hate cookies.

32. I am a wine snob. I pretend to know all about it. I really only know what I like and the rest I learned in Wine for Dummies which my best girlfriend, Jules got me for my birthday one year.

33. My 30th birthday was both the worst day of my life and the best.

34. My Mom survived breast cancer and I try to walk in the Bosom Buddies Run/Walk Cancer fundraiser each October.

35. I am a Christmas fanatic. I decorate everything that stands still. I bake for days. I spoil my children rotten. I listen to carols for six weeks, straight.

36. I taught my nephew the Diarrhea Song when he was three. He’s sixteen now and my sister still hasn’t forgiven me.

37. I was born on Thanksgiving Day and I love turkey and stuffing.

38. I am a highly respected member of my community. Heh. What people don’t know, won’t hurt them.

39. My Mother-in-Law did not used to be at all fond of me. She is warming up, though.

40. One day, I will take a culinary tour of Italy.

41. Autumn is my favorite time of year.

42. I totally get into Halloween. All my children’s friends and classmates come to our house to Trick or Treat because it is so cool and creepy.

43. I throw the best birthday parties for my children.

44. Other mothers hate me.

45. Those who don’t hate me want to BE me. Ha, ha.

46. I love to read and write.

47. I am a scrapbooking maniac. Each of my kids has at least four completed scrapbooks, already.

48. Even though I know how bad it is for me, I love to sunbathe.

49. Water calms me. The sound, the feel and the smell, they are my friends.

50. I hate professional sporting events.

51. My daughter was conceived in a bathroom in Annapolis, Maryland and my son was conceived under a Christmas tree.

52. I love kick-boxing.

53. I hate negative people.

54. I don’t give up. On anything. Ever. Unless I decide that whatever it is I am not giving up on is no longer worth achieving to me. Then I never look back.

55. I combat pain with humor and sarcasm.

56. My hair is ALWAYS at that “in-between” stage.

57. I am naturally a brunette but I have been a blond and a red head.

58. I go to the dentist every six months, faithfully.

59. I go to the gynecologist once a year, faithfully.

60. I would walk over hot coals and broken glass for my friends.

61. I never eat fish. Fish is nasty.

62. I am an amateur photographer and have won awards for my photos.

63. I had a children’s story published.

64. I have been known to binge on junk food.

65. I love a good cup of coffee with sweetener and cream.

66. I suck at math.

67. I hate confrontation.

68. I have never been in a fist-fight.

69. I cannot make Rice Krispie Treats to save my life.

70. I remember dates very well and send cards on special occasions.

71. I got my first kiss from Doug Schroeder at The Muppet Movie when I was in the sixth grade.

72. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong or that I have made a mistake.

73. I broke Doug Schroeder’s heart in seventh grade. It was wrong. I admit it.

74. Doug Schroeder broke my heart in eighth grade. Paybacks are a bitch.

75. I have never had a one-night stand.

76. I hate lazy people.

77. I love the smell of bread baking and there is nothing better than the first slice when it comes out of the oven.

78. I am not a competitive person, by nature.

79. I used to smuggle Circus Peanuts to my grandmother in the nursing home even though she was diabetic and shouldn’t have been eating them. When she died this year, I slipped a package of Circus Peanuts under the pillow in her coffin. She is sharing those peanuts with my grandfather in heaven.

80. I can hold a grudge until the end of time if I so choose. But I have to be REALLY pissed off.

81. I have never cheated on a boyfriend or my husband but I cannot stay faithful to a diet to save my life.

82. When I am in shape I have a killer figure.

83. When I am out of shape I look like a potato on sticks.

84. I love foot massages.

85. My younger sister gives the best foot massages. I wish she lived closer so that she could give them to me more often.

86. My Dad, my husband and my son are in a three-way tie for first place in my heart.

87. As he was walking me down the aisle my Dad gave me the option to run. I didn’t need to take him up on it but, it was nice to know that he would support me no matter what I wanted to do, even something crazy like being a runaway bride.

88. When my date for the senior prom got food poisoning my Dad offered to escort me on the Grand March. I didn’t take him up on it because, who wants to be caught dead with their Dad at Prom? But, I appreciate the offer to this very day.

89. I lost my fifteen month old nephew to Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Cancer sucks.

90. My baby sister and my brother- in- law are the bravest people that I know.

91. I have experienced three panic attacks in my life. I hope never to experience a fourth.

92. My son was born hand-first. He was waving at the world.

93. I took my daughter swimming for the first time when she was two months old. She took to it like a fish to water which makes sense; she is a Pisces.

94. I was the director of an aquatic facility for seven years. I have saved more than one life.

95. To me, one of the most soothing scents in the world is pool chlorine when it mixes with humidity and sunlight.

96. I’m strange, I know.

97. I can still fit into the first lifeguard suit that I ever owned.

98. I am terrible with money and I love to shop.

99. I am not in debt because I married a man who is really good with money.

100. I got my belly button pierced in Las Vegas. As a gift to myself on my 30th birthday. I don’t regret it.

So, now you know all there is to know about me. Whatever will I write about, now?

Well, there was that one time, at band camp.....

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Now, That’s What I’m Talking About

The temperature outside is a balmy 62 degrees. The sun is shining, the winds are calm and the birds are singing. This is what springtime in the Rockies is all about. Too bad I’m stuck behind my desk with no opportunity to enjoy it.

But, with any luck, it will stay nice for the weekend and, maybe, I will finally have a chance to clean out the flowerbeds and to get some chores done in the yard. Or, you know, a chance to lie about in a lawn chair and watch the tulips push their way up, whichever.

Of course, this is springtime in the Rockies so, chances are good that the temperatures will dip near freezing and the tulips will be pushing up snow. One can never predict what Mother Nature has in store for us.

Speaking of springtime, it’s the time again when my woman’s club begins preparations for our annual luncheon charity fundraiser. I chaired the event last year and am quite relieved to be free of the duty this year, although I will still serve as hostess for one of the tables. This year’s overall theme is A Few of Our Favorite Things and, while most of the hostesses are just thrilled with it (undoubtedly those who collect Precious Moments, Boyd’s Bears or some horribly tacky thing like spoons from all fifty states); I have had a considerably difficult time coming up with a suitable theme for my table.

None of my hobbies really lend themselves to a table nor do the vast majority of my favorite things; after all, who would want to sit at the Diet Pepsi Table or the OPI Nail Polish Table? Well, I would but, I would be pretty lonesome all by myself.

Anyway, after much soul searching and many a sleepless night, I happened upon a book on flower arranging that featured a most clever centerpiece created around of all things, an antique typewriter. And I thought, hey! I could do a table based on my love of writing! Thus, the heavens opened up and inspiration was with me, people!

I found an antique Royal typewriter for $10.00 on eBay. I bought really nice cloth-bound writing journals and fancy beaded pens for my hostess gifts and I determined that my antique Noritake china will go smashingly well with the color theme that I plan to use in the flowers in the typewriter centerpiece. Easy-peasy. Now, I just need to come up with a clever title for the table for the program. Unfortunately, the only thoughts that come to me are rife with cheesiness, think; The Write Stuff or Baby, Write This Down.

I don’t think a beautifully appointed luncheon table should be named after a tacky country-western song but, that’s just me. Anyway, I have until the end of the month to think about it and, it just so happens that I do my best thinking outside, in the sunshine. So, lets all hope Mother Nature cooperates after all, it is for charity.

Think of the children, Mother Nature!

Think of the children!

Monday, March 12, 2007

I Want My Hour Back!

I hate daylight saving time as a rule and, this year, I get to hate it an entire month early. Way to go Big Brother!

Having an entire hour of my beauty rest stolen from me this morning made me quite cranky. Can you tell? Also, I am still sick. My head cold has entered the Can’t Breath portion of the program and, apparently, oxygen is vital to one’s good mood. I know, I was all like, really? too.

Despite the fact that my sinuses are knocking on Death’s door, I had a really good weekend. The Man-Cub took first place at the wrestling tournament on Saturday and he didn’t have to wrestle a single girl. One of his friends was not so lucky and, the girl pinned him which, I assure you, is the epitome of shame among the second-grade wrestling set. It’s ok, though, the other boys talked the poor kid through the crisis and I’m fairly confident his psyche will make a full recovery.

We don't harbor such optimism for his father's psyche but, we did start a collection drive for his continued therapy so, maybe there is some hope.

Anyway, once the Man-Cub had collected his gold medal and tournament bracket, we went to Neighboring City to look at new cars. I took to heart the lesson that The Girl’s birthday party taught last month which was; never chauffeur a carload of pre-pubescent females without at least a one-seat buffer between you and the madness so, we are in the market for a larger car than what we currently have. And, since we were just, you know, looking; I also prepared a mental list of features that I Could Not Live Without as well as a back-up list of Things It Sure Would Be Nice to Have and, just for kicks, a list of Things That I Would Sell a Kidney to Possess.

Naturally, the demands that I placed upon the poor salesman resulted in us finding not one single car on the entire lot which would suffice. We left the lot empty-handed which, while disappointing, did spare my kidney.

So, the search will continue. We will look for as long as it takes because, if we are going to pay only slightly less for a car than we paid for our first home; we would like to get exactly what we want.

While keeping our internal organs intact.

After crapping out on the car search, we curbed our disappointment by engaging in conspicuous consumption at Sam’s Club; it is amazing what buying an industrial sized supply of Dial soap, the bonus pack of Curel lotion and super-sized bag of teriyaki beef jerky will do to elevate your mood.

Then, on Sunday, instead of beginning my planned clean-up operation of the yard and flower beds, I lazed about on the couch and bitched about my sinuses. So fun!

The kids didn’t mind, they were too busy playing outside on the first genuinely warm and spring-like day that we have had this year. They even took the puppy out and we were all pleased to see him back in enthusiastic puppy form rather than in medicated invalid form. Medicated invalids are such a buzz-kill.

Today, I am hard at work and, I do mean hard. The effort it takes to keep my eyes open given the combination of my shortened REM cycle and the ingestion of the drugs required to allow me to breathe, is monumental. I have considered, and discarded, a number of methods for maintaining consciousness. They include doing strenuous in-office exercise, installing an intravenous caffeine delivery system in my left arm and propping my eyelids open with toothpicks.

I hope the extra hour was worth my personal suffering, Big Brother.

Friday, March 09, 2007

I Feel Like Crap, Thanks For Asking!

I have a chest cold. Or a head cold. Or, whatever the hell it is when your throat burns, your head throbs, your body aches and, every time you take a deep breath, your chest makes a wheezing sound resembling the noise that a balloon makes when you let the air out of it realllly slowly.

Yes, that’s what I have and; it’s kicking my ass.

Feel free to sympathize and, you know, send chicken soup.

Of course, being deathly ill won’t stop me from fulfilling my parental duties this weekend (it will, however, make me cranky as all hell while I do so). I will still get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to accompany the Man-Cub to a neighboring town for another wrestling tournament. Someone has to hold the video camera. And, you know, glare disapprovingly and cluck their tongue at the parents who snidely belittle their kids if they lose.

Welcome to Passive-Aggressiveville
Population 1.
Mayor, me.

Following the tournament, if I am feeling up to it, I plan to weed my flowerbeds since, when I was out with Rowdie yesterday, I noticed the first tulip and daffodil shoots poking their way out of the Earth (I also noticed that the neighbor’s damn dog has mistaken our lawn for his toilet, repeatedly, but; I am thinking happy thoughts today so as not to explode my head with additional pressure, la, la, la).

So, I need to clean the old leaves and crap (not literally! I don’t clean crap! Especially not the crap of other people’s pets! Ever!) out of the flowerbeds and fertilize (and, no! I don’t consider the crap of other people’s pets to be fertilizer! Ever!) the soil so that I will have happy, cheerful flowers soon.

La, la, la.

God, that last la made my head ache.

Seriously, where’s my chicken soup?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Eleven:
Thirteen Products I Recommend

1. Philosophy’s On a Clear Day Serum. I discovered this last month at the height of my acne break-out and I swear, I have never used a product that cleared my skin up so fast. Of course, now that I have said that; it will stop working and I will break out again. I ‘m a jinx that way.

2. Kenra Root Lifting Spray. Pumps up the volume in my super-straight and volume-less hair.

3. Kenra Volume Spray 25. Keeps the hair styled without being sticky. I hate it when I can’t run my fingers through my own hair or when it feels crunchy. Crunchy hair is bad. However, Crunchy Hair would be an awesome name for a punk band.

4. Philosophy On a Clear Day Protective Cream. Helps to keep my skin from breaking out and works as a primer for my foundation. I have only been using it for the past month and, like the On a Clear Day Serum, it will probably stop working now that I have bragged about how good it is. I am cursed, I tell you.

5. Neutrogena Healthy Skin Enhancer. Not as heavy as foundation but still provides coverage and doesn’t slide off my face by the middle of the day. Also, it has SPF 20 so I don’t have to mess around with additional sunscreen.

6. Bissell Oxy-Pro Oxygen Activated Carpet Cleaner. Works wonders on our light colored carpet, especially considering that our cat chooses the exact same spot on which to hack up his hairballs, every time.

7. Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I came late to the Mr. Clean party but, I will be the last to leave. The eraser is awesome on the soap scum on the kid’s tub and, trust me when I say; my kids are scummy.

8. OPI Nail Polish. Any color. 'Nuff said.

9. L’Oreal Couleur Expert hair dye and highlight kit. At $17 a box it might seem pricey but, since I battle grey hair on a monthly basis, it sure as hell beats the price that I would pay for the same service at a salon. If L’Oreal ever discontinues this product, I will either have to embrace my decline into old age and wear my grey proudly or I am screwed. Yeah, I’m screwed.

10. Kenra Platinum Texturizing Taffy 13. Tames the Man-Cub’s wild cow-licks and makes his whole head smell like cotton candy. It really works plus, it’s purple and fun to play with and, did I mention, it smells like cotton candy?

11. True Blue Spa Just a Minute 60 Second Manicure Scrub from Bath & Body Works. Polishes and moisturizes your hands in just about the same amount of time it takes to read the name on the package and it smells like tangerines.

12. iPod Nano. Hugh gave it to me for Christmas and I love, love, love it. I listen to it while I vacuum. I listen to it in the bathtub. I listen to it while I exercise. It’s teeny-tiny yet powerful. I should break into song about how much I love my Nano but, your ears would bleed and that just wouldn’t be right.

13. Philosophy On a Clear Day Super Wash. Look at me totally pimpin' for Philosophy! You think they would send me some samples if they knew? Do you? Hey! If you are from Philosophy and you’re reading this, call me! We’ll do lunch!

Ditto OPI, Kenra and L’Oreal. Really. I pimp for you all.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Yet Another Reason Why Girls Should Not Wrestle

Hugh took the Man-Cub to the doctor’s office yesterday for a confirmation of our ringworm diagnosis and to get the medication necessary to cure it. Imagine our surprise when the doctor prescribed….jock itch cream.

You heard me; jock itch cream.

Now, if you were a wee delicate lass who just happened to enjoy rolling about on the floor with boys, would you not reconsider the hobby when faced with the indignity of having to apply, to your body, a product specifically created for male genitalia?

I’m just saying.

So, yes, we will dutifully apply the cream de la crotch and hopefully, the ringworm will go away, never to darken our doorstep again. And, as a bonus, should the Cub’s jock ever start to itch; we’ll be totally prepared.

Changing topics entirely, last month’s stretch of bad hair days compelled me to schedule a haircut and, today’s the day.

I have had the same hairstyle for about a year now and am quite pleased with it (you know, when it is behaving its damn self) so, I would never choose to go much shorter than it is, already. Hugh knows this, yet, every time I head out to the salon, he still feels the need to implore me not to get it cut any shorter. So, I say, ok, honey, I won’t!

Ha! In his dreams! Instead, I torture him with photos of extremely short hairstyles from those hair magazines one finds in the check-out line at the grocery store. For days prior to my appointment, I tell him that he might want to prepare himself for something drastic, because, one never knows.

Except, of course, he does. And, he reminds me that it would be ever so easy for him to let his naturally curly hair grow out which, wouldn’t be so bad if it meant that he would resemble one of my childhood crushes…..

Namely, one Greg Brady.

In reality, he would more closely resemble this:

Don Henley, circa 1970.

Needless to say, its a damn fine thing that I like my hair a little longer and that Hugh likes his a little shorter. Because, I don't want to be seen with fro boy any more than he wants to be seen with Mia Farrow.

Marriage is all about compromise that way.

Monday, March 05, 2007

At Least It Wasn’t Lice

The Man-Cub has ringworm; a fact that we discovered only after we allowed him to wrestle at the tournament on Saturday.

Parents of the Year! You heard it here, first.

The Man-Cub, you should know, is convinced that he caught the condition from the girl that he had to wrestle on Saturday. Yes, I said; girl. And, while I am all about the equal rights between the sexes and civil liberties and crashing the glass ceiling and all, you will just have to excuse me for not fully embracing the idea of girls wrestling as a sport. I just….don’t like it.

That said; I’m relatively certain that young Norma Rae did not, in fact, infect my son with the ringworm. The fact that it might have been the other way around, and that the Cub may have infected her; fills me with parental guilt. But, you know, if you’re going to play with the boys, I guess you can’t be too surprised when you develop strange boy-like rashes.

So, as I said, we discovered the tell-tale signs of the ringworm upon our return home from the wrestling tournament. Since I know absolutely nothing about ringworm and, being somewhat skeptical of Hugh’s purported knowledge of the condition, I did the responsible thing and consulted an expert.

You can imagine my relief upon receiving Dr. Google’s assurances that the condition is caused by a common virus and not by a tunnel-burrowing parasite as I had feared. Not that I wouldn’t love the boy just as much if he were infested with parasites, I’m just saying.

And, speaking of parasites, Chantal correctly guessed that I do not, in fact, have a pathological fear of cooties. I’m not saying I like them or would graciously welcome them into my home or anything, but, my fear is healthy and not at all psychologically crippling so, good job, Chantal!

On a related note, I may or may not have developed a pathological fear of ringworm and may or may not spend the next several days bleaching every surface of our home.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Signs of Spring

March is already shaping up to be a better month than February was. For one thing, one of my advertising representatives sent me these today.

Granted, I gave up chocolate for lent and must therefore put them away in a drawer where they will mock me with their very existence for the next five weeks or so but, still! Chocolate frogs, people! It doesn’t get any better than this.

Speaking of getting better, Rowdie is recovering from his surgery quite nicely. He still has pain, obviously as would anyone who went toe to toe with a car but, his personality is unchanged and he is getting around on three legs quite well. The vet has every faith that he will recover fully.

My hopes for Hugh's recovery are not as high. He is plagued by guilt and, by plagued, I mean PLAGUED. He insists on being Rowdie’s sole caretaker, which, in all honesty, is perfectly fine by me since open wounds give me the heebie-jeebies and, a metal pin protruding from any part of the anatomy definitely qualifies as an open wound in my book.

Although he is healing well, Rowdie still suffers quite a bit of discomfort at night. His medication schedule is similar to the feeding schedule of a newborn and the resulting sleep deprivation has caused Hugh to resemble me circa 1996 and 1998, minus the leaky boobs.

So far. I promise to keep you all abreast of any change in the situation.

Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

The aroma of chocolate frogs, THAT I CANNOT EAT, has clearly addled my brain.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Ten:
Thirteen Reasons That February Sucked

1. My grandmother died.

2. My brother-in-law lost his thirty-five year old sister following a freak allergic reaction to a commonly prescribed medication.

3. My husband accidentally hit our puppy with the car.

4. The resulting vet bill was almost $2,000.

5. The poor dog now suffers the indignity of wearing a plastic cone on his head until he can learn to stop chewing on the large metal pin currently sticking out of his hip.

6. My comfortable daily routine was chucked into oblivion for the entire month.

7. This means that my diet and exercise program went out the window.

8. I gained five pounds.

9. At work, a project that I was really excited about fell through.

10. The Girl’s hermit crab, Seaweed, died.

11. I had, like, fifteen bad hair days in a row.

12. My face broke out.

13. I came thisclose to forgetting how blessed I truly am and, that would have been far more tragic than an entire month of bad hair days.

But, seriously February; I am not sad to see you go. You, like, totally harshed my mellow.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!