Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Because We Don't Have Enough to Do...

The Man-Cub started wrestling practice at 6:30 this morning. Practice ended at 7:48. The morning bell rings at 8:00. Our home is approximately a one-minute drive from the school which gave the Cub approximately 9 minutes to shower, dress, and to brush his teeth and hair before jumping back in the car with a cereal bar and a smoothie for the race back to the school.

He was on time. Barely. Steps are being taken to eliminate this mad dash tomorrow, I assure you. And, by "steps", I mean that the child will be showering in the locker room at school despite his  reluctance to do so and his impassioned declaration that, in the event that he MUST shower at the school, he will be wearing his swimsuit. Boys are weird.

In other wrestling news; Hugh was chosen to officiate at the state wrestling tournament again this year. It's an honor for him and we are proud. On the other hand, the tournament takes place on the same weekend that I am required to drive The Teenager to Denver for a volleyball tournament and I hate driving in the city; it would have been really nice to have my husband with us to do the heavy lifting. I'll get over it.

 In news not at all related to wrestling; February is once again upon us. This means two things, one: large heart-shaped boxes of evil-coated goodies will magically appear on store shelves (I know, who am I kidding; those boxes appeared the day after Christmas) and, two: Lent starts, rendering the contents of those large heart-shaped boxes useless to me.

My recent addiction to dark chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds will be a tough habit to break but, I'm confident that I can do it. In addition to giving up chocolate and all things candy-related; I also plan to give up junk food, in general. I think this will present a bigger challenge than sweets, alone and; I'm up for it (the recent spread of my ass providing a fabulous motivator).

Speaking of challenges; Jana and I have challenged each other to live healthier lives and, as an incentive to do so, have set July 4th as the date that we will wear bikinis on the boat without covering up with layer upon layer of t-shirts, shorts and self-loathing. This gives us five months in which to get our asses in shape or in which to find magic bikinis that make us look good. I'm not sure which of the two would be a bigger challenge, honestly.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A Finntastic Update

It was a year ago, today, that we lost Gilligan. We still miss him but, Finnigan has been a great comfort to us in our grief. When he isn't gnawing on my ankles or using me as a human pin cushion for his claws, that is.

Although he is now about five months old, Finn has retained some of his more kitten-like qualities, specifically, his desire to nurse. He's pretty particular about what he nurses on, preferring either The Teenager's or the Man-Cub's fingers over mine or Hugh's. The Man-Cub is a bit more patient with him than The Teenager so, he is Finnigan's most frequent target.

Next month, Finn goes in to be neutered and declawed. The vet seems to think that will calm him down a bit but, I'm not convinced and, frankly; I would miss his antics were that to happen.

I wouldn't miss the ankle-biting one bit, however.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

I have a cold and it is making me miserable. I have no desire to do much of anything except to snuggle under a blanket on my couch, watching episodes of ABC's Once Upon a Time, which; has been the inspiration for the following thoughts (although you could also blame the Nyquil. Your call):

-The seven dwarfs have got nothing on me; I am currently Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy and Dopey.

- I probably need to see a Doc but I am too Lazy (Lazy was a cousin dwarf. Really. Look it up).

- If I could just get over this cold, I would be Happy.

-Who the hell was the seventh dwarf? Oh, yes; Bashful. Yeah, that's never gonna happen.

-Hey, the Seven Dwarfs could ride Santa's reindeer with one left to spare. I bet they would eat it. Waste not, want not and all that.

-Spellcheck just informed me that Snow White's little friends were dwarfs, not dwarves.

-I completely wasted my parents' money on that English Degree.

-Prince Charming is hot.

-A glass coffin seems like a really bad idea.

-I left my tea in the kitchen and my throat is killing me; where are the Fairy Godmothers when you really need one?

-Mary Margaret Blanchard has a really unfortunate wardrobe.

-I could never wear a knit beanie on my head; I would look completely goofy.

-Wasn't Goofy a dwarf? No, wait, he was a dog. In a vest and pants.

-Walt Disney must have done drugs.

Speaking of which, it's time for more Nyquil.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

This Post Approved by Katy Perry

After my women's club meeting today, one of my fellow members complimented me on my appearance. She suggested that I was pretty enough to be a movie star attending the Sundance Film Festival.

I've never wanted to kiss another woman before in my life, but; I think I might have had she let me.

Not that I tried. I'm just saying.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Slipping Back on the Rose Colored Glasses

Friday night, when I should have been organizing the food for the weekend volleyball tournament, Hugh and I were, instead, out late; watching our local community theater's production of Whose Life is it, Anyway? However, the play was so awesomely done that, when five o'clock rolled around the following morning, I couldn't complain too much about being tired; it was totally worth the lack of sleep.

Now, when I saw five o'clock again the following morning, that was another story; complaints, galore, people. Complaints. Galore.

I'm kidding (mostly). The Teenager's volleyball tournament was almost as much fun as the play. Actually, since I got to see one of my college roomies and her family, it was probably even more fun.

And, the girls played really well for their first tournament as a team. In addition, The Teenager got to play more in one weekend than she played all of last season for the Hooterville team and her new team beat the girls from Hooterville to boot. So, no complaints about the tournament.

Actually, no complaints at all; the coach, whom, if you will remember, gave us pause just a few months ago; has turned out to be more than fair and pleasant. She is rocking a rather disturbing mullet but, I am trying really hard to remind myself not to be such a judgmental toad about stupid things (New Years resolution #2) and, for the most part, I am succeeding.

As I said earlier, I was the mom in charge of food for the tournament and even that went better than I would have expected. And, I'm done with the chore for the season. Unless the other parents don't step up which, I suppose could happen but; why borrow trouble, right (New Years resolution #1: Stress Less Over Stupid Shit. WINNING!)?

And, despite waking up this morning with a raging sinus infection (I'm guessing. It's not like I'm going to see an actual doctor or anything); I have to say that things are looking up.

Mt glass is half-full once again.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Well Clarice, Have the Lambs Stopped Screaming?

We are doing some remodeling at the hardware store and today's chores included some minor rewiring. Unfortunately, the rewiring required Hugh to lower himself into the crawlspace below the store; a space crawling with bugs and spiders and God knows what else.

Because I am a supportive wife, I held the trap door open for him while spouting such entertaining gems as "It puts the lotion in the basket! It rubs the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again!"

Hugh was not amused.

You would think that after eighteen years of marriage he would understand my humor.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Confucius Say: Life is Really Simple But We Insist on Making it Difficult

This morning The Teenager and I went to the High School at an ungodly hour to attend a meeting of our service club and, my co-sponsor failed to show up. Actually, that's inaccurate; she showed up four minutes before the first bell rang. Had The Teenager hung around, she would have been late for her first class and that didn't sit well with me.

Tomorrow night, we are supposed to host an all-night literacy event for the Middle School kids. I have received no detailed information on the event and, due to the fact that The Teenager and I have to be in Neighboring Town for a volleyball tournament early Saturday morning; will be unable to help for longer than a few hours. I feel bad about that but, had I been involved in the planning, I could have suggested a date that might have worked better for us.

My struggle with this situation obviously boils down to two things: one, my co-sponsor and I have wildly divergent communication skills and, two, we approach event planning in very different ways. I'm not trying to be judgmental here, or, to say that my way is better, but; our club is suffering due to these differences and I'm not sure how much longer it can continue like this. All of which feels like a failure on my part. A huge failure.

Worrying and stressing about this issue has taken up a lot of my personal head space, recently and; I don't like that. This morning, I finally arrived at the conclusion that; if the club goes away, life will still go on. Yeah, the kids will have fewer opportunities to fulfill their community service requirements for graduation and the community in general will lose a great asset but, life will rush in to fill in the blanks; it always does.

And, it won't mean that I have failed; it will simply mean that I needed to take a step back, to regroup and to refocus on ways that I can be of better service. I mean, failure doesn't lie in the attempt, failure lies in the unwillingness to try.

I'm sort of amazed at how much better I feel simply for realizing that fact. Or, for admitting it to myself, anyway.

It's almost as though I am evolving into an adult or something.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Is That the Light at the End of the Tunnel or is That the Freight Train?

I'm betting on freight train.

Things here in Petticoat Junction are...worrisome. There. I said it. The economy is kicking our asses, people who are normally upbeat and optimistic are suddenly downbeat and despairing and news of bad things happening to really good people keeps hitting us where it hurts. It's the trifecta of shitholedom.

It is too a word, look it up on Wikipedia. Oh, wait, you can't; Wikipedia is in a voluntary blackout today, protesting the jackholes in our government who want to push legislation to censor the internet. Nice job politicians! So glad we could all vote you into a seat of power. Really.

Not really.

Le sigh.

On a less depressing note, The Teenager brought home all A's and B's and a GPA of 3.7 which is a higher GPA than either I or her father ever managed so; maybe she can go to college and find a job that supports us all.

Wow. That wasn't less depressing at all.

I should just quit while I am only slightly behind.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Do You Ever Feel Like You're Moving But You Just Aren't Getting Anywhere?

Yep. I started exercising again. Two miles on the treadmill followed by ten minutes on a stepmill is about all I can take without wanting to puke. Wait, that's not quite right; I want to puke, I just...don't. Or, I haven't...yet.

The stepmill is new for me and, while I ran a good "old-fashioned" Stairmaster into the ground back in the day, the stepmill is kicking my ass. Seriously, it's like the ghost of Stairmaster Past has come back with the sole intention of making me cry in front of strangers and, if I could go back in time to apologize to that Stairmaster, I totally would just to make the pain go away.

Alas, the torture is necessary if I am to halt the advance of my ass, which is, even as we speak, threatening to invade Switzerland. And, I suppose I could just give up food but, I mean, we don't want to get all crazy up in here. Plus, Lent is just around the corner so I see no sense in giving up sugar before I absolutely have to.

So, torture by  treadmill and stepmill it is. If you happen to attend my local gym, please disregard the woman weeping in the corner; it's just me.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

All is Well That Ends Without Broken Bones

Worst. Blog. Title. EVER.

But! The sentiment holds true; the Man-Cub attended yesterday's ski trip and returned home to us without injury. In fact, he reported that he only fell four times and he now owns the jumps. I'm proud. Really.

Today, we are attending The Teenager's volleyball team's 4 on 4 volleyball tournament. The tourny is a fundraiser for the team and it sounds like it will be a wise way to earn money; the girls don't have to do a lot of work, they got to choose their own teams, and, are bound to have fun. Unfortunately, The Teenager's first pick for her team-the Boyfriend-was unable to play due to a ruling by his basketball coach that forbid basketball players to participate under threat of suspension (stupid much?) from a game but; she managed to pull together a team, regardless. And, she now has a built-in cheerleader since the basketball coach didn't say a word about the boys not waving pom-poms and doing cartwheels.

While The Teenager plays volleyball, I will be organizing the team parents into "snack teams" for each of our upcoming tournaments. The first one is next week and it takes place in Neighboring City which is convenient in as far as there is a Sam's Club nearby and we can purchase the necessary food items, there.

And you know, that is my life, lately. My twenty-two-year-old self would be rolling her eyes and sighing in disgust right now. She was kind of a bitch, though.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

You're Going Snowboarding? Cool! Wait, WHAT?

The Man-Cub had an appointment with the orthopedist today and the news was good; his arm is not broken, per se. Instead, he has what the doctor called a compression fracture involving the cartilage between his wrist and ulna. I was relieved to hear that he would not need a cast but somewhat confused by the diagnosis since I thought that cartilage could not be fractured being as it isn’t actual bone. So, wouldn’t his injury qualify as a really bad sprain? Not according to the doctor who, I guessed, is more knowledgeable about the situation than I am.

Oookaayy, so; no cast (Diplomas on the wall, Chelle. Diplomas on the wall).

My faith in the doctor's education was shaken, however, when he cleared the Cub to participate in PE, as long as he is wearing a wrist brace.

Um, ok? (Diplomas! Med school!)

It was completely shattered when, two seconds later, he also cleared him to attend tomorrow’s school ski trip.

I’m going to let that sink in for a second.


A medical professional cleared my son, who, for the past week, has been wearing a splint on his arm, to participate in the activity that put him in the splint in the first place. AND, that medical professional held in his very hands the file that detailed each of the child’s previous four broken bones, his numerous trips to the emergency room for stitches, a detailed description of how he knocked out his top four teeth when he was three and his admission to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy (Ok, not sports-related but, STILL).

You can buy those diplomas on the internet, right?

On the bright side, the Cub was stoked. And, we won’t be out the $40 that we have already forked over for the trip.

Oh, we’re still ten times that for x-rays and co-pays and whatnot but, who’s counting, right?

Oh yeah, that would be me; I’m a professional counter. I bet I could even find a diploma to prove it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Process of Elimination

So, after putting some serious thought into what could be causing my random allergic reactions, I arrived at the conclusion that I am allergic to Finnigan. Or, more accurately, to Finnigan's dander in my mouth. And, how does cat dander get into one's mouth? I assume by eating something by hand after touching either the cat or something that the cat has touched. This makes sense to me because, when Gilly was alive, I used to have an allergic reaction in my eyes when I would pet him and then touch my face; not always but, often enough that I learned to be careful about washing my hands after snuggling with him on the couch. So, I am now making a point of washing my hands prior to eating anything that doesn't require a utensil because, it's either that or I give up snack foods like chips, crackers and pretzels which were the three things I ate prior to each of my reactions and, I don't really want to give those things up. I mean, my ass would appreciate it if I did but, yeah, not so much.

Also, I'm not giving up a cat who can drape himself across my neck for hours at a time without triggering any sort of reaction but around whom I should not eat snack foods because that would just be silly.

Finnigan would agree

When I presented my theory to Hugh, he asked me how I could be sure and, while I haven't done any sort of experiment to prove my theory (PETA frowns on rubbing a kitten across one's gums, I hear); I'm confident in my conclusion.

On a related topic, the timer for my washing machine finally arrived and I can now do laundry in the privacy of my own home (washing gets the dander out, yo). Also, the parts for my vacuum cleaner and hot water dispenser arrived and Hugh fixed them both (vacuuming also gets the dander out). The problems with the furnace appear to have worked themselves out and, with the exception of the Man-Cub's arm, we are totally mended.

This year is looking up.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Shhhh, Do You Hear That?


The kids started back to school today. It feels really strange to have them start back this late into the new year but at least they are gone. Wait, that sounds terrible, doesn't it? What I meant to say was; it feels really nice to have the house to myself this morning and I am going to take full advantage of my quiet time, probably by taking a nap because, shitdamn, I am tired.

Benadryl will do that to you and, I am once again riding the Benadryl train courtesy of yet another episode of random lip swelling. The swelling started last night and I am at a loss as to what could have triggered an allergic reaction this time, given that I ate nothing unusual prior to the onset of the swelling.

Dr. Google has been absolutely no help with the issue and I am now seriously considering a trip to a real doctor, quelle horreur! The horror part of the equation being my suspicion that the doctor will simply pat me on the head and tell me to watch more closely what I eat because, apparently, I am allergic to something and, that will be $300, thanks for coming in.

I can't afford a $300 doctor bill on top of the bill from the emergency room from last week's broken teenager and Benadryl is only, like, six bucks a box, so...


And, now, while it is quiet in my house; I am going to take a nap. Because I can.

Also, I am going to refrain from operating machinery today, because; the Benadryl box said that I should. Also, I don't actually own machinery, unless you count a washing machine as machinery and, I can't actually operate that, anyway since I am still waiting for the new timer.

Oh my god, it just occurred to me! I am probably having a delayed allergic reaction to the laundromat.

Stranger things have happened.

Friday, January 06, 2012

I Have Good News and I Have Bad News

The good news is; my laundry is done. The bad news is; the part for my washing machine won't be in for another week so, I had to do the laundry at the laundromat.

The good news is; I didn't kill one of the rude motherf*&%ers with whom I had to share said laundromat. The bad news is; I had to share the laundromat with a slew of rude motherf*&%ers.

The good news is; Hugh visited me a the laundromat, which is just down the street from the hardware store. The bad news is; he chose that moment to remind me that he doesn't like his shirts washed with towels because they leave fibers on his shirt which irritates his delicate skin.

The good news is; I didn't kill him and stuff his lifeless body into a commercial sized dryer. The bad news is; I totally considered it.

The good news is; I washed all of the Man-Cub's short-sleeved shirts which he is going to need since he managed to break his goddamn arm while snowboarding yesterday. The bad news is; well, duh.

The good news is; the break, while in the growth plate, is a compression fracture which probably won't require surgery. The bad news is; the use of the word "probably" by a medical  practitioner.

The good news is; our Aflac policy is totally up to date. The bad news is; our primary insurance plan sucks sweaty donkey balls, and likes it.

The good news is; I am fully stocked up on wine. The bad news is; I'm totally going to need every drop.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

That's Better

The Christmas decorations have been put away for another year (except for the porch decorations, because I am waiting for the weekend to tackle that chore. And, you know, because I am lazy). My mud room is still a giant mess but; I can close the door and, look at that! Problem fixed!

I'm lying, of course; that mess buzzes around my psyche like a fly over a fresh turd, but! I can pretend. Plus, the new timer for my washer should be here annnnyyy day now and I will be able to get that room back in order. In the meantime, I am threatening to introduce The Teenager to the laundromat which will actually be good practice for her prior to leaving for college.

And, yes, Teenager, that means that I won't be doing your laundry when you visit. Fair warning.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right; the holiday decorations are gone! Naturally this has spurred my desire to see spring arrive as soon as possible and, apparently I am not alone: the department stores are already selling bikinis. And, I saw Easter candy in the grocery store the other day.

It's going to be a long three months, is what I'm thinking.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

My House is in Shambles

I started taking down the Christmas decorations yesterday. This required me to climb the ladder to the attic approximately three hundred times, one hundred and fifty of those times carrying empty boxes and the other one hundred and fifty carrying boxes full of holiday cheer; who knew holiday cheer weighed so much?

I wish I could say that I was done with the chore but, yeah, not so much. I still have the village to tackle and the tree still stands naked in the living room but, I managed to reach the half-way point so, baby steps.

I am also taking baby steps when it comes to the mess currently invading my mud room. Hugh, laboring under the impression that he can fix anything,  has my washer pulled apart, awaiting a new timer. He is optimistic that this will do the trick, saving us from the purchase of a new machine. I hope he's right but I also recognize the fact that washing machines that have functioned diligently for going on twenty years do tend to wear out and, God bless them, they have every right.

Anyway, the laundry is piling up in the mud room.

On the bright side, I am holding fast to my New Year's resolution to be less tightly wound over stupid shit and, I haven't suffered a nervous breakdown once this year.

Three days in, whoo-hoo!

Monday, January 02, 2012

Hello 2012, It's a Pleasure to Meet You

2011 went out with a bang, taking our furnace, my washing machine, my vacuum cleaner, two car batteries (mine and Hugh's), our instant hot water dispenser, and three of my fingernails with her. She was kind of a destructive bitch, that one.

It's all good, we have managed to fix or replace almost everything (sadly, my fingernails will require a bit more time and the washing machine, another part) and our New Year's Eve party went off without a hitch. We even managed to stay up until midnight. Granted, we were counting down the hours until we could just go to sleep, already but; we made it. And, we had fun doing it.

After the noisemakers were retired for an other year, we took our first sleep of 2012, resting up for our trip to the hills to ring in the new year in our favorite traditional way...

...by going ass-over-tea kettle. It was a good time and something that we missed doing last year due to a lack of snow.

We obviously didn't have that problem this year and, we took full advantage of the day; arriving at the recreation area at 10:00, well before anyone else had dragged their hungover asses out of bed. Since we had the run of the place, we set up an encampment that was equal parts awesome and redneck...

...and that absolutely infuriated late-comers looking for a sweet spot in which to park (snooze you lose, that's my motto for 2012).

We stayed on the hill for five hours which is a record for us and, by the end of the day, we had four very tired teenagers.

And, you know, some pretty tired adults. In fact, while I fully intended to take down the Christmas decorations upon our return home; I ended up lazing around on the couch, instead. So, tonight I will tackle the chore.

On the bright side, Finnigan has already managed to strip the lower third of the tree so, I'm that much closer to being done.

2012 is totally going to be my year (please don't spite me for my hubris, Universe).