Friday, February 29, 2008

I Am Having a Coffee-Not-Brewed-Strong-Enough Kind of Day

I hope all the Leap Year babies out there are enjoying their -once-every-four-years-birthday. Also, that must really suck.

Also sucking today; my body. I caught a cold somewhere and am alternating between having a nose so stuffy that I can hardly breathe and must therefore resort to the ever-so-lovely mouth breathing and a lovely snot waterfall pouring from my nostrils. I’m so pretty!

In better news, while Hugh and I were frolicking about Denver last weekend, I was being honored in absentia with an award at the annual Chamber of Commerce Awards Banquet. I was awarded the President’s Award which is the highest honor the Chamber gives out and I got it because my Board of Directors nominated me. I’m touched. Also, I take back half of the negative things that I have said about certain members of the Board.

You know what is annoying?

People to change the subject with the subtlety of a train wreck? No, parents who sign their kids up for a sport, don’t bother to actually bring the kid to practices and then have the nerve to act as though it is my problem that their little preshus is not on the official tournament roster. Hello? I need to have the kid weigh in, among other things, before I can register him for a tourney. In order to do that, I kind of need to see the kid in like, the flesh at practice. Gah.

My nose just re-entered the waterfall portion of the program. Aren’t you happy that I shared?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go brew a better pot of coffee before I dash to the school to give the Man-Cub his antibiotic which we neglected to administer this morning. I might be a sweetheart and also take his spelling homework and the mini-bag of popcorn that he popped for his mid-morning snack and then left sitting forlornly on the counter when he left for school. Luckily, I have not stumbled upon the child’s head but I assume that is merely because he has not found a painless way in which to remove it from his shoulders.

I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Porky, Petunia, Babe and Wilbur, To Name a Few

Hugh’s ninety-three-year-old grandmother’s health has begun to fail recently so, Oscar traveled to Ohio to tend to her affairs this week, leaving Emily to her own devices. Since we missed celebrating her birthday earlier this month (she was in Arizona visiting friends), I invited her out for dinner tonight. She accepted and we were accompanied by the woman who we employ as the General Manager of the variety side of the store (and, as a friend although, we don't pay her for that); it was a very nice evening.

If you had told me fifteen years ago that I would enjoy an evening out with my Mother-In-Law, I would have told you to watch your head; those ain't pigeons in the sky.

I am evolving as a person; my parents will be so proud.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

We Are Falling Apart At the Seams

Remember the Man-Cub’s earache? The one that I was convinced was caused by the pressure in his ears not regulating when we went over the Divide? That one? Yeah; ear infection. And, not just any ear infection; a serious ear infection.

Mother. Of. The. Year.

In my defense, he never did run a fever which is what he usually does when he has an infection. And, he only had the pain the first night; it totally went away when my sister bestowed upon him the Magic Cottonball. So, really, who can blame me for missing the infection?

Besides myself, I mean.

That’s what I get for not consulting Dr. Google, immediately.

Speaking of Dr. Google, lately, I have been experiencing some fucking hellacious minor heel pain. And, by lately, I mean since November. The pain was not getting any better and had started to impact my workouts so I consulted Dr. Google who offered the following possible diagnosis’s: Plantar Fasciitis, tarsal tunnel syndrome, arthritis (what am I, eighty?) or raging foot cancer.

Ok, not really; there is no such thing as raging foot cancer-as far as I know.

So. Today I called a podiatrist to schedule an appointment and, as luck would have it, I am somewhat aquainted with the nurse who answered the call. She was more than happy to listen to my complaints and she concurred with Dr. Google; I most likely have Plantar Fasciitis. Of course, I’ll still have to go in for ex-rays and an exam to be totally certain but, I’m guessing two-out-of-three medical experts (or, you know, a medically trained nurse and the internet) can’t be wrong.

All of which means one of three things:

1. I will have to forsake my cute summer shoes for orthopedic clogs.

2. I will have to stretch my plantar fascia every morning before I even think of getting out of bed.

3. I will walk with a noticeable limp for the rest of my life because I am too lazy to stretch my plantar fascia before getting out of bed each morning and I am too vain to wear orthopedic shoes.

Your call.

And, please bear in mind that I have a closet full of really cute summer shoes.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Ticketmaster Sucks Schweaty Balls

But, I’ll get to that later.

Our trip to Denver for the State wrestling tournament and to celebrate The Girl’s birthday went very well-not counting the part where our first-level, ninth-row seats for the finals were inexplicably “re-located” to the third level, second row of the Pepsi center, hellooo, nosebleed section-but, I said I would get to that later so….

…the drive on Friday was gorgeous. The weather was perfect, the sunshine glinted off the moisture in the air like a million prisms and the snow that had fallen the day before glittered with the light of a field of diamonds; it was a typically beautiful Colorado day which created a nice mental image to which I clung in desperation two days later when driving home in a blizzard but, I’ll get to that later as well.

Right. So, I picked the children up at school at noon and we were in the Grand Hyatt relaxing by five o’clock which is when the Barbies arrived to join us for dinner. We picked the Hardrock CafĂ© on the Sixteenth Street Mall for dinner and I managed to polish off the better part of a ginormous plate of nachos before my stomach threatened to split open like an over-ripe melon.

Speaking of nice mental images, huh? My apologies.

After dinner, the Barbies swept the Man-Cub off for a weekend visit at the Barbie Mansion and the girls and I headed back to the hotel for a dip in the pool; an occurrence we would repeat many, many times over the course of the weekend.

Hugh, for his part, was enjoying his time as a virgin wrestling official. I have resigned myself to the notion that the grin on his face is probably permanent so I guess I will simply have to adjust to being married to Howdy Doodie. I guess I can think of worse things.

Saturday morning, the girls and I ventured back to the Mall for breakfast at the Corner Bakery.

Hugh had left us earlier in the morning but was able to break away from the tournament long enough to join us for The Girl’s birthday breakfast which delighted both girls.

Not as much as shopping at their favorite store following breakfast but, close.

And, sadly, not nearly as much as riding the escalator at the mall. We are hicks, hear us roar.

After spending damn near her entire stash of birthday money on cheap jewelry, we went back to the hotel to meet another of her friends who was being dropped off for the day while her parents attended the tournament; which worked out quite nicely.

We dined in the hotel restaurant which all three girls proclaimed “the fanciest restaurant they had ever eaten a chicken strip basket in” and then headed back to the pool for hours of splashing and shrieking at levels heard only by dolphins (and, mothers with sensitive ears).

(Speaking of sensitive ears), meanwhile, back at the Barbie Mansion, the Man-Cub was struggling with an earache caused, I think, by the pressure in his ear canal not regulating appropriately following our trip over the Divide. Luckily for him, the Barbies know how to handle the earaches and he was set up with eardrops and cotton balls in record time (note to self: cotton balls are magic), and he went on to have such a good time that we were hard-pressed to get him to leave with us on Sunday.

He did, of course; we need him for the tax deduction.

Anyhoodle, after the pool, the girls and I went upstairs for cake and, if you are asking yourself how one gets a birthday cake to Denver; this is how.

Knowing that Hugh would be sad about missing the whole birthday cake thing- despite the Howdie Doodie perma-grin-we texted him and sent along a picture of The Girl blowing out her candles. Oh, and we saved him a piece of cake; because we are generous like that.

Next, we went to the tournament which is when the day took a turn for the worse, thanks to Ticketmaster or, as I will forever refer to them; Ticketmaster-bater, who sold us a premium ticket knowing full well that the section in which we would be sitting would not exist.

Can you say fraud? Because, I can. And, I’m pretty certain that a lawyer would agree.
The moral of this story is; Ticketmaster-bater sucks schweaty balls. If you need event tickets, heed my warning.

Other than being relegated to the nosebleed section of the Pepsi Center after paying good (non refundable) money for premium seats; we had a good time watching Hugh do his thang.

Then, we went back to the hotel for a room service dinner and yet more swimming.

Sunday, we drove home, as I mentioned, in a snowstorm. It sucked.

But, not as badly as Ticketmasterbater.

Friday, February 22, 2008

And We’re Off

The Girl, The Man-Cub, Kaz and I are headed to Denver to join Hugh at the State wrestling tournament. The car is packed, gassed up and ready to go. Now, if the weather will just cooperate; we’ll be gold.

Seriously, though, do you think we packed enough for a two-day trip?

Yeah, me neither.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It’s Just Like Swimming…in Quicksand

Pee Wee Wrestling, oiy. I swear; we had at least two million extra kids at last night’s practice. And, you may think that I’m exaggerating but, nay, my friends, nay; it’s as though they multiply each week (like Gremlins only; minus the bad teeth, homicidal tendencies and swinging from the rafters. Well, so far, anyway).

This exponential multiplication in numbers is making my task of ordering uniforms quite challenging and, frankly; I be tired of the process. With any luck at all, we will have a complete roster by tomorrow and I will have the T-shirts ordered by Friday morning; just in time to leave for the State wrestling tournament in Denver.

If I’m not so lucky, I’ll spend my entire weekend obsessing over the fact that we will never have our uniforms in time for our first tournament. It will totally ruin my weekend and The Girl’s birthday to boot.

Either that or I’ll don my Scarlett O’Hara mantra and la dee d a…I’ll think about it later.

On a different-but related-topic; this evening I get to spend four hours at the school taking registration for youth baseball and, I know I said that I wanted to get more involved in our community but; the theory was ever so much more pleasant than the practice.

I bitch but; I’m adjusting.

Speaking of bitching, I’m in month two of my new employment and I still feel like I’m struggling to get it down pat. I can’t remember how long it took me to get so good at my previous job that I could basically do it on autopilot but; I don’t think it was this long. I’m trying not to get discouraged but, it’s hard.

On the other hand, if all else fails; I have a future as a professional community volunteer. It doesn’t pay much and the benefits suck but the demand is high and I would have my weight in free T-shirts.

Lookin' on the bright side, 'cuz that's how I roll.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I Got Tagged

Jen tagged me for a meme detailing my own personal brand of weirdness. Since I am the least weird person I know (snork), I am at a loss as to what I should write.

I’m sure I’ll think of something, though.

First the rules and then the random weirdness:

The rules are as follows:# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

Now, let us commence with the weirdness.

1. I think I have mentioned this before but; I cannot drink Diet Pepsi from a can. Although I am completely and hopelessly addicted to the stuff, I will pass up a can every time.

2. I cannot eat in a restaurant that has fish tanks in it. Well, I can, as long as I can’t see the tank from my seat.

3. Likewise, I cannot eat near a lake, stream or pond. Pretty much anywhere that smells like fish. Yes, I know, weird.

4. When Hugh and I watch horror movies, I have to cover my face with a loose-weave blanket and watch the scary parts through the holes. Hugh finds a great deal of humor in this but I guarantee you, if a psycho killer comes out of the television to kill me; I’ll be protected…by my blanket. Ok, that is weird.

5. I frequently call my children and their friends “babies” as in, “come on, Babies, let’s go get a soda”. I have also been known to refer to them as my “small fries” and “chilluns”. My children find this quite embarrassing and, yes; weird. For the record, their friends don’t seem to mind in the least; no doubt their parents are really weird.

6. Apparently-and I don’t know this for a fact-when I sleep, I sometimes raise my left arm above my body and stroke it with my right hand. Then, I reverse the procedure and tickle my right arm with my left hand, sigh, and lower both arms. As I said, I don’t know this for a fact and, since video evidence does not exist, I am only repeating what I have been told. By the man who sings Bad, Bad Leroy Brown in his sleep.

7. On a similar note, while I don’t talk in my sleep very often, when I do; I order chicken nuggets and French fries. I have no idea.

Well, that’s it. Now it’s your turn,

Finland’s Finest
Semi-Desperate Housewife

Monday, February 18, 2008

Guitar Hero is Satan's Tool

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. When I was a little girl, I would dress my cat in doll clothes and parade her around the block in a buggy (side note: best cat ever). I played with more than my fair share of dolls and, when I was older, I was gainfully employed as a babysitter on most weekends.

So, it comes as no surprise that I love being a parent to my son and daughter. In fact, the only surprise comes from how much I adore the little adults that they are becoming; the baby stages being what I had always thought I would love (and miss) the most.

My daughter is the best and worst of me; she is emotional and sensitive and sweet. She also has a wicked sense of witticism as evidenced this weekend when we had the misfortune of coming upon a man changing a tire as we were driving to Neighboring City. The man had, how can I put this delicately, a slight plumber butt issue to which The Girl reacted by gagging most dramatically before sing-songing “Crack kills!”

So my daughter.

Of course, she also gets a lot of her personality traits from her father.

God bless her.

As an aside; if I have to listen to "School's Out For Summer" one more time, I might re-evaluate how much I love this parenting thing.

And, you know, my marriage.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Woke Up This Morning…

…and got myself a shovel.

Digging out from an overnight snowstorm, it just never gets old. Oh, wait, yes it does.

Luckily, the children don’t have school today. Of course, if you asked them they would say that it is a waste of a perfectly good day off since they are officially over snowman making, snowball fights, sledding and snow-fort building and, what can we say? It’s been a long winter.

At least it is Friday. I am working at the store for a few hours today and then plan to take the rest of the day to clean the house since I won’t have the weekend to do it. Hugh leaves for Neighboring City for the regional wrestling tournament at noon and we will join him there tomorrow afternoon following a morning of shopping and errand-running.

Top on my list of errands is to find the Man-Cub a pair of new wrestling shoes as his feet have grown since last season and there is probably some law against shoving your child’s foot into a piece of footwear designed for a foot two sizes smaller. You know, probably.

I also plan to shop for a new shade of the OPI since nothing helps to beat the winter blahs like a new bottle of nail polish in a summery color. At least, not for me.

Although....I am totally willing to experiment with, say, a tropical vacation; I've heard good things.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow…

Hugh outdid himself this year.

I’m not sure which part I found the most romantic, the stuffed animals bearing jewelry or the fact that he made me coffee.

Coffee, people. I'm pretty sure he's going to get lucky tonight.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Random Ramblings

Oscar and Emily left for a week-long visit with friends in Arizona this morning; party!

I have been without chocolate or candy for almost a week now. Strangely, I have dodged the usual cravings. Could the sugar detox have worked, perhaps? We’ll know next week when the dreaded PMS monster makes its monthly appearance.

The Girl’s birthday present arrived yesterday. She is getting the PlayStation Rock Band thingie. It will compliment her Guitar Hero game nicely. Also: I clearly have no sense of self-preservation and fully expect to be driven insane by her “music”.

Speaking of music, The Girl has been practicing her flute every night. I am surprised and pleased by her dedication. Currently, she is rocking the B scale which? I have no idea; I ditched piano practice as a child by knocking on the instructor’s door, running for dear life and then telling my parents that the teacher must not be home as she hadn’t opened the door when I knocked. Obviously I never learned a B scale. Or any other scale for that matter.

The Man-Cub starts wrestling tonight and he is stoked. I picked up the registration forms yesterday and we have approximately one million and ten Pee Wees for whom we will be responsible every weekend for the next two or so months. Yay?

On her way out of town this morning (par-tay!), Emily called to inform us that she had been listening to the news and had heard that there is a recall for my Tahoe. Apparently something in the engine can catch on fire whether the engine is on or not. I am most unhappy at this development and am awaiting a call back from our dealership. Is it wrong that, if my car is jacked; I totally want a brand new one?

I have a meeting of my woman’s club today. They have asked me to run for Secretary of the Board. I reluctantly agreed and am hoping that I will run against someone who can totally kick my ass. Also; I. Am. Such. A. Sucker.

On the topic of suckers (the segues, they are smooth like glass!), the Man-Cub’s Valentine’s Day party is coming up and I have again been asked to provide a snack. I downright refused to make another boring-ass relish tray and will instead be baking my special heart-shaped sugar cookies with drizzled icing. Thank God I didn’t give up cookies for lent. But, this segue was supposed to be about suckers so, I should tell you; The Girl and I are making cinnamon flavored suckers as a gift for her Valentines and, since suckers are technically candy, I will not be indulging in them. Which suuuux.

Thus endeth the rambling.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Good Thing He Got That Gracious Loser Thing From Me

The Man-Cub lost the election…to a girl, gasp! He was less devastated by the loss than one might think because, Mom? She’s really pretty.

Well, allrighty then.

Hey! Guess who got her new computer installed this weekend, finally? Guess who is still getting the hang of the new programs? And why for the love of all that is holy does a perfectly good Word program have to be improved? I was rockin’ the 2000 version, people. Me no likee learning new skilz.

While Hugh installed the new computer and got the kids set up on our old computer, I cleaned house like a mad fool. I even reorganized my pantry, the kid’s snack cupboard, the linen closets and the cabinets in all the bathrooms. I’m still not quite sure what got into me but I liked the end result.

The house cleaning was long overdue and, since we have several busy weekends coming up; not something that will be repeated anytime soon.

As I mentioned a few days ago, Hugh was invited to officiate at the state wrestling tournament. That’s a pretty big deal when you are a (relatively) young referee. In order to be selected, you have to be nominated by at least two coaches and have a good number of recommendations (Hugh had over fifty) and the competition to win a spot is fierce. I’m just really proud of him.

This coming weekend we get to accompany him to a neighboring city for the regional tournament. We are staying at a fun hotel with a pool for the kids and a multi-plex theater and mall nearby. It should be a relaxing and fun couple of days for us.

I’m also looking forward to the next weekend’s trip to Denver for State; The Girl’s birthday happens to fall on that weekend so we are taking Kaz along with us and she is always good for a laugh or ten. When we aren’t cheering on our favorite ref, we plan to do some sight-seeing, a little shopping and some general girling around. My sister has volunteered to rescue the Cub from the sheer embarrassment of a totally feminine weekend, to which the Cub replied “suh-weet!” so; everyone is excited.

Also exciting is the fact that we start the Pee-wee wrestling program tomorrow night. The Cub is anxious to get back on the mat and I am looking forward to the two-night-a-week practices and organizational duties that go along with them. Or, you know, not.

At least I don’t have to bake celebratory cookies for the new classroom mayor; that would tip my to-do list into the stress zone.

And we can’t have that.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Competitive Spirit Is Alive and Well at Casa de Chelle

Last night, Hugh brought home three boxes of fruit roll-ups and gave them to the Cub. He instructed him to hand them out to his classmates prior to the opening of the voting booth. While I’m not sure bribery is the best thing to be teaching a child, if the school really wants the children to learn about politics, I suppose this is totally the way to go.

God Chelle, pessimistic much?

Anyhoodle, the competitive thing comes naturally to my husband and is clearly a genetic trait that he has passed to our son and, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, it just differs greatly from my own genetic make-up (ok, not really. My dad and both sisters are hella competitive so genetics probably aren’t the issue).

I’m proud of the Cub both for his natural tendency to go for what he wants as well as for his ability to lose graciously (which he totally gets from me. Really, between Hugh and me, I am definitely the more gracious loser. I am! Also? Not competitive at all, obviously. Gah.) .

(I'm also quite proud of Hugh who was invited to officiate at the State Wrestling Tournament later this month but, that is a story for another day. Also, I love parenthesis, can you tell?).

One thing is certain, no matter who wins the coveted Classroom Mayor seat today; all the kids will be winners. I mean, duh, fruit roll-ups.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Super Tuesday, Indeed.

The Man-Cub is running for Mayor of his classroom. Last night he and The Girl worked on his speech for an hour before they were satisfied with the results. Then, she coached him from the sidelines as he practiced the speech first in front of the mirror and then in front of Hugh and me. All of which makes The Girl his campaign manager, apparently.

When I asked the Cub how many of his classmates were running he said “All of them” which made me giggle. Of course, if he can convince even one of them to vote for him instead of for themselves, he will win by a landslide.

If he does win, I will be required to bake celebratory cookies for his entire classroom as it was one of his campaign promises and no; I was not consulted prior to him adding it to his speech. You would think his campaign manager would know better. Tsk, tsk.

Changing the subject totally, yesterday, I finally mastered a task at work that had previously left me scratching my head and sighing in frustration. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of myself. No doubt, my High School math tutor, Mr. Kelso would also be so proud.

Changing the subject again, today is Ash Wednesday, which means both the beginning of the Lenten season and my personal pledge to forego chocolate for the duration. This year I decided to up the ante with God and am including candy not consisting of chocolate in my pledge.

You should hear the weeping any time now.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Last night I dreamt that the roof blew off our house. I have no idea what that means.

Some people think that what you eat prior to falling asleep has some affect on your dreams but I don’t subscribe to that notion. Besides, last night I had a spinach salad with red onions and blackberries; my dreams should have been (as my son would say) suh-weet.

Speaking of those blackberries, the contents of my fridge is a testament to the differences in my children. Case in point; this weekend The Girl opened the fridge and exclaimed, “You got blueberries and kiwis! Oh! And blackberries! Yessss!”. The Man-Cub opened the fridge a few minutes later and unenthusiastically stated, “Well, at least you got grapes.”

Yes son, I got grapes because kiwi is so exotic and I wouldn’t want to entice you into eating anything unusual. Weirdo.

Speaking of weirdos, I am learning that the hardware store is the hangout place for most of the eccentrics in Petticoat Junction. I suppose I should have suspected this all along.

Also, I seem to fit in perfectly. I’m not sure what that means, either.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Snow Day


The kids wish they got a break from school today but our school district doesn’t see six inches of new-fallen snow as a good and proper excuse for not attending classes so they are sh*t out of luck.

On the other hand, they get to build forts and wage snowball war at after-school program so they aren’t really complaining. Well, The Girl is; snowball making might cause her to break a nail or something.

Speaking of nails, last night I gave myself an hour-long pedicure. I needed to do something relaxing after an emotional experience earlier in the evening. Without getting too detailed, we had a little scare when the Man-Cub didn’t return on time from a sleepover. The phone at the house where he was staying was out of service when we tried to call, the cell phone number we had wasn’t being answered, the weather was horrible and my innate Sense of Doom combined to send me into vapors. It was not pretty. It was also the longest three hours of my life.

Of course, all is well that ends well and I didn’t really need to stay brunette forever; welcome new gray hairs!

Hey, maybe I need the parenting equivalent of a snow day. What do you think?