Sunday, March 31, 2013

Thank Ya, Easter Bunny!


The return of chocolate to the menu! And, what better way to get a chocolate fix than to raid the children's Easter baskets before they even have a chance to do it themselves?

What's that you say? To do so would be totally uncool of me?


I guess I'll just have to raid my own basket, then. Or, I could pace myself on the chocolate and focus instead on filling up my new, awesome, to die for, purse.

Hmmmm....chocolate binge...

Or, fashion binge....

Oh, who am I trying to kid? I'm totally indulging in both.

Thank ya, Easter Bunny!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Holy Saturday, Batman!

Today marks the official end of Lent.

Technically, I could be stuffing my pie-hole full of sweet chocolatey goodness right now, but, I choose to wait one more day; I'm a little self-masochistic like that.

You might not want to accidentally get your fingers between my mouth and a Cadbury creme egg tomorrow, though.

In the meantime, my guest room is functioning as an Easter Bunny staging area.

I hope I have enough candy.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Good Friday, Indeed

I worked for a couple of hours today, and, by worked, I mean; I went with one of my coworkers on a routine home visit and then enjoyed her company on a set of errands.

And, I really did enjoy running those errands. For one thing, the weather was gorgeous, and, co-worker and I opened up the sunroof on the Tahoe and soaked in the sunshine and fresh air as we rolled down the highway between stops.

Once our work day was over (have I mentioned how much I enjoy having a flexible schedule that allows for half-days on Fridays?), we continued our day with a few personal errands, including a tour of the local thrift shops (where I purchased a number of vintage push-pin Easter eggs, you know, like the ones your grandma used to make? No? Just me then?), a visit to a fabulous costume jewelry store (where I bought the most ah-maaazing purse), a side-trip to the dollar store (where I bought props for the photo booth that I am planning to do for The Teenager's friends prior to prom), and the Sonic drive-in for humongous orange cream slushes.

It was an awesome way to kill a few hours.

The rest of my day was taken up with work at the hardware store, chores at home, and, a really delicious two-hour nap that I enjoyed just prior to being taken out to dinner by my husband.

As I type this, I have thirty-six eggs boiling on the stove top; egg-dying will happen tomorrow, which, since I happen to enjoy decorating eggs,  I am really looking forward to.

It's just been a really, really GOOD Friday.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Day After Tomorrow

Cadbury mini eggs...

Cadbury cream eggs...

Mellow creme bunnies...

Malted milk eggs...

Jelly beans...


One more day to go.... one more day to more day to go.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

There's One Born Every Minute

This evening, I attended a meeting to help plan the upcoming Eighth Grade Continuation ceremony and dance.

I just this week finished with my duties as chair of the Spring Luncheon and now I find myself in charge of several critical elements of yet another event; I have no words for how stupid that makes me.

Well, I guess stupid pretty much covers it, actually.

On the bright side, the rest of the 12 person committee is comprised of:
  • The mothers of 2 members of the Fearsome Foursome
  • 4 Porch Night regulars
  • 2 mothers with whom I socialize on Facebook

All told, I am socially comfortable with 8-out-of-11 of the women with whom I will be planning this event. The 3 remaining women on the committee include:
  • A woman whose daughter is new to the school and whom I have never met, but; who seems really nice and approachable.
  • A woman with whom I have a nodding acquaintance and whom I look forward to getting to know better.
  • The Dragon Lady of Petticoat Junction.

What? Dragon Lady, what? Yeah.

 I know her from long, long ago when her son played baseball on one of the Man-Cub's teams; I didn't like her then and I don't like her now.

What's not to like? Let's discuss:
  • She is argumentative.
  • She is disrespectful of any idea with which she disagrees.
  • She is unwilling to volunteer for duties required of the committee.
  • She speaks disrespectfully of the teachers and administration at the school.
  • She makes a point of letting us know that she has money and she isn't afraid to tell us exactly how much she is willing to throw at a problem to ensure that she doesn't actually have to, you know, do any work or anything.
  • She expects us all to treat her as if her shit is odorless and diamond-encrusted. For the record? Not happening.
So, yes, Dragon Lady of Petticoat Junction. I suppose her only saving grace is the fact that, like the rest of us, she was enough of a sucker to volunteer to be on the committee.

There really is one born every minute.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

And, Like a Fart in the Wind, This Too Shall Pass

I had a rather mortifying experience at work today. I don't really want to talk about it, but, it involves me on a conference call with about thirty other people and a rather ill-timed malfunction of the mute button.

Oh my god, I just remembered the title of this post and realized that you might have read the last sentence and assumed that I had farted-live-on a conference call. Au contraire, mon frere, I did not break wind in such a manner as to be loud enough to carry through a phone speaker, but, my faux pas was almost that embarrassing.

I don't want to talk about it, but....

...let's just say that I'm really hoping the memories of the people on that call are short, because; I have to actually meet some of them in person in the very near future and I sure as shit don't need them to remember me as that one chick from Hooterville who fielded a call from a rather challenging client while on speaker phone during a really, really important meeting.

Oh, yes, I did.

I know we've talked about it before, but; don't you think my MENSA application should be approved any day now?

Sunday, March 24, 2013


When last we spoke, I was headed off to set up for the Spring Luncheon, with a side trip to the gynecologist thrown in for a dash of extra fun. I had spent the previous three months worrying, fretting, stewing and agonizing over the planning of the luncheon, in fear that the event would fail to live up to the expectations of the club members and community in general.

With those fears ever present in the back of my mind, I entered the event center at 9:00 a.m. on Friday morning. I didn't get home until 7:30 p.m., just in time to fall into a nightmare-plagued sleep.

Saturday morning, following at least three nightmares, I awoke early and was at the event center by 8:00 a.m. I didn't get home until well after 4:00 p.m., and, when I did finally make it, my feet were aching so bad, I thought I might die. But, (SPOILER!) the luncheon was an unparalleled success so; I won't complain.

How unparalleled? Pretty damn unparalleled, thank you very much.

First of all, we found hostesses for all 29 tables (Nightmare #106), and, each hostess created a table so imaginative and beautiful; it rivaled anything I've yet to see in the pages of a Martha Stewart's magazine. The effect of combining all those tables in one room was amazing.

The tables made the room come alive, but, the attention to tiny details is what I appreciate most, and, the hostesses did not disappoint in that regard.

Of course, what good is a room full of gorgeously appointed tables if there is no one there to enjoy them? Happily, we did not have that problem, having finally sold the last ticket earlier in the week (Nightmares #1, 99, and 105).

In addition to the ticket sales, we garnered revenue by eliciting sponsors and vendors for the shopping boutique that we set up in the lobby of the event center, but, our biggest revenue generator-next to ticket sales-was the live auction; early estimates have us making $3.500 on that alone.

All told, I am hoping to see a profit of just under $10,000. I won't know the exact amount until all the bills have come in, but, I am feeling quite optimistic.

I'm also optimistic that the majority of people in attendance enjoyed the food, which, was beautifully served and ridiculously tasty. Plus, it's been twenty-four hours since the event and I haven't heard a word about anyone getting food poisoning (nightmare #121).

My worries about not having enough volunteer help with the serving proved unfounded; the Man-Cub, The Teenager and two of The Teenager's friends chipped in and, between them, the table hostesses, and, the club members functioning as food directors; we were able to serve those 320 meals in 21 minutes. It isn't quite a record for us, but, it was fast enough to get hot food on the tables.

It took even less time to serve dessert, and, the dark chocolate cake with raspberry glaze arrived fresh and moist; not dry in the least (nightmare #122, for the record).

I also managed to get through three hours behind a microphone without choking in front of 320 women, which, is a feat unto itself (Nightmare #67).

So, very few of the fears that plagued me during the planning (and execution) of the luncheon materialized. Well, except for the one about looking like a coral-colored Michelin Man...

...which, in the grand scheme of things, I can totally get over.

Speaking of over, did I mention that the luncheon is over?


Friday, March 22, 2013

Once Upon a Pap Smear

I will be setting up for the luncheon today, slaving away to ensure that everything goes like clockwork at tomorrow's event. I'm looking forward to it, and, not just because it means that I am that much closer to having the whole thing over with, although, there is that.

The real saving grace?  I really, really like the women on my committee. They make me laugh at the worst moments and work hard to keep me focused on the prize: a wine binge following a successful event.

At one point, I am going to have to excuse myself from those women to keep an appointment with one of my other favorite women, my lady doctor; we haven't seen each other in a while and she misses me.

Or, I am due for my annual Ladyville spelunking field trip and am trying to put a positive spin on it despite the fact that...I don't really enjoy the spelunking.

Hmmm...dealing with the inevitable luncheon crisis situations and exposing my lady bits to attack by giant Q-tip; I am going to have the best. Day. Ever.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger. In Theory

Yesterday I got an email from the woman in charge of ticket sales for this weekend's luncheon; she was in a panic because we still had almost forty tickets to sell. That comes out to $1400 that we would be short of my estimated revenues, which, would have fucked my budget, royally.

At today's meeting, I was overjoyed to hear that we were down to three unsold tickets, thanks to the efforts of a club member who had appeared on a popular local radio show to talk up the event.

I was even more overjoyed when, by the end of the meeting, we were completely sold out, thanks to a woman who was attending the meeting as a guest.

My panic level has officially been lowered from HOLY FUCKING SHIT to WE MIGHT JUST NAIL THIS, AFTER ALL.

A girl can't ask for much else.

Now, I can concentrate on worrying about how I am going to look (and, sound) while standing in front of three hundred people, speechifying about our club and the good work that we do. The dress I plan to wear is lovely and fashionable, but, it doesn't do my fat rolls any favors (or, maybe it's the other way around?).

So, having determined that I would rather eat worms than appear before a crowd of women looking like the Michelin Man sporting a coat of coral colored spray paint; I decided that Spanx would be the answer.

Spanx, for the record, are really challenging to get in to. And, I'm not totally convinced that they are going to do anything more than make me look like an extremely uncomfortable coral-colored Michelin Man.

But! At least I will be an uncomfortable Michelin Man at a sold-out spring luncheon.

I have to remember to look on the bright side.


Monday, March 18, 2013

The Return of Bleacher Butt

We traveled over hill and dell to attend the Man-Cub's first basketball tournament this past weekend. And, by we, I mean, the Cub and I as both Hugh and The Teenager were working at their respective jobs.

As an aside, The Teenager got her first paycheck and she immediately took it to the bank, where she put all but $23 into her savings account. Neither Hugh nor I asked her to do that, so, I am impressed with her maturity.

Anyway, the Cub and I drove to his games which gave us lots of time to chat. I got a glimpse into the teenage boy's mind and it is a dark and scary place. Ok, not really.

The boys played games on both Saturday and Sunday, and, while they didn't win, they had a good time playing. Also, their skills are improving, which, is kind of the point.

I really enjoy watching the Cub and his friends play. I enjoy spending time with the other parents, and, I like getting the opportunity to spend time with the boys off the court; their minds may not be dark and scary places but, man, are they strange.

In a good way.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Shit Just Got Real

At my monthly appointment with the colorist, it was gently suggested to me that we start adding extra highlights to my hair, gradually lightening it to a golden blond in an effort to better disguise the gray roots.

Yes. That happened.

I'm on the fence about whether or not I like the highlights. My colorist assures me that they will be my new best friends this time next month when I don't have to resort to using a Sharpie marker to hide my roots while awaiting my appointment with her.

She's probably right.

Although, to be clear, when they begin to get out of control, I use a very expensive high quality hair coloring marker on my roots; not a Sharpie.


It's good to be clear.

Also, to be clear: it appears my days as a brunette are numbered, and; I'm not convinced that blonds have more fun.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

It Could Always Be Worse

I have a rather wacked theory about the origin of my back pain; the theory is too bizarre to share here but I will admit that it involves an existential voodoo doll of sorts.

That is all I am willing to say about that.

Speaking of things that I don't want to talk about: The Teenager got in trouble at school today. Her transgression involved her least favorite teacher and the Harlem Shake. I don't suppose I have to tell you that the teacher was not the one doing the shaking.

I was pretty upset about the whole thing, until... an effort to help me put things into perspective, the universe granted me a client who was picked up for possession of marijuana while still on probation.

Marijuana possession vs. detention for dancing in class...hmmm...message received, universe.

Message received.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

These Are the Things You Talk About When You Have Nothing to Say

My back continues to give me fits, today. I wish I knew what I did to cause this irritation, but, I have wracked my brains and I still got nuthin'. It makes it kind of hard to fix something when you don't know what is wrong in the first place.

The pain finally drove me to an emergency appointment with my massage therapist and even she was unable to eradicate the pain. And she tried, she really, really tried (I have the bruises to prove it). I have tried stretching, which, helps briefly, and, I took  a couple of Hugh's muscle relaxers left over from his accident way back when, and nada. No relief. At this point, I'm thinking that only time, hot soaks in the tub and a bottle of wine will help.

I'll start on that therapy regimen tonight.

In other news, the Man-Cub's first basketball tournament takes place this weekend. I think he is excited. Maybe a little bit nervous. I know he is looking forward to traveling with his teammates and, to be honest, I'm looking forward to spending time with the team moms, myself. I see a very different experience with basketball than the experience that we had with The Teenager's traveling volleyball team last year.

Thank God.

In Spring Luncheon news (I KNOW! Will it never end? Yes, yes it will. In precisely 10 days), I have developed a nervous tic over my left eye, courtesy of the 80-some tickets that we have yet to sell. Well, 40-some of those have been spoken for but not paid for, but, still. We are usually in a sell-out position by now, with a healthy waiting list for people ready to snatch up the tickets that people cancel. I am starting to get hives worrying about those goddamn tickets. And, you know, the luncheon in general.

But, enough of that.

In better news, I accompanied my supervisor to a presentation yesterday. After she was done describing our company's mission, values, departments and projects, she opened up the floor for questions. I was pleased to realize that I knew the answers to 99% of the questions asked. I think my supervisor was equally pleased with that fact because she asked me if I would be willing to step in and do the community presentations from then on.

I took the request as a compliment and am looking forward to getting started. Of course, her obvious relief when I said that I would be up for the challenge leads me to wonder what it is about the presentations that she is in such a rush to pass off, but, as Scarlett O'Hara would say; I'll think about that tomorrow.

Scarlett O'Hara is totally my hero, folks.

Monday, March 11, 2013

This Explains Why Sloths Like to Curl Up in a Ball

I did something to my back while enjoying my day weekend of sloth. I have no earthly idea what, exactly, but, I am currently on Day 2 of a little program I like to call Writhing in Pain.

I don't recommend it.

On the bright side, I noticed a number of shoots coming up in my flowerbeds yesterday (courtesy of being doubled over in pain during a back spasm that took me completely by surprise as I was attempting to pick up a random wrapper that had blown into our yard from the junkyard house across the street), which means that I might get to enjoy tulips at some point in the near future; awesome doesn't begin to describe how I feel about that.

And, according to the weatherman, we will see sixty-eight degrees before the end of the week. Sixty-eight degrees outside, just to be clear.

With any luck, I will be able to stand up straight to enjoy it.

Eh, who am I kidding? After the winter we've had, I'd enjoy that shit in any position.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

A Day of Sloth

Mother Nature is making a lackluster attempt at snow, today. I am watching puffy flakes float lazily to the ground, where they are immediately absorbed into the parched earth. The grayness of the day is lending itself beautifully to my official day of sloth and laziness.

I started the day of sloth by refusing to rise from my bed before the hour of ten a.m., long after Hugh had left to officiate at the middle school wrestling tournament in Hooterville, well after The Teenager had left to help with a pee-wee wrestling tournament here in Petticoat Junction, and; only slightly before the Man-Cub arrived home from a sleepover at Mikey's house.

Once I was up, I enjoyed several leisurely cups of coffee while watching what is sure to be the first in a day-long Nicholas Sparks marathon of romantic dramas. For the record, movie number one: The Lucky One.

Since I deep-cleaned the house last weekend and have kept up with the mess since; I can get by today with nothing more than a light surface cleaning, which, shouldn't take more than a half hour or so.

I could run a few errands, such as grocery shopping or the like, but, I don't see that happening (it's snowwwing. Oh, wait, no it isn't. Wait! There it goes again. Well, it's not sticking, see above: lackluster) as that would totally ruin the spirit of a day of sloth.

In fact, I'm starting to rethink my decision to attempt a spring risotto for dinner as stirring risotto requires more energy than a typical sloth might exhibit.

I guess I'll think about it while I sit here on the couch and watch The Notebook.

That particular activity is sloth-approved. The TV watching part, I mean; the thinking part? Hmm, maybe not so much.

Friday, March 08, 2013

Let's Hope the Hair Net Grows on Her

I just picked up three take-and-bake pizzas from The Teenager's place of employment. The look on her face when she saw me standing in line was priceless and I will treasure it, always.

The family discount that I got simply for having birthed the child is equally priceless.

Actually, that's not quite true, it does have a price, half-price, to be exact.

I could totally get used to this.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

This Day, This Glorious Day!

Temperatures in the low sixties? Check.

Sun shining? Check.

Spring wardrobe finally back in the rotation? Check.

Rocking a Very Important Meeting at work, like a HURRICANE? Check, check.

Last Spring Luncheon table finally spoken for by a willing and able hostess? Double check.

The Teenager finally acting like her usual self following a recent heartache (sad trombone)? Aaannd...check.

Things are looking up, folks.

Things are looking up.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

It's Fine

Earlier this week, I woke to the first rainstorm of the spring. Granted, it was a snowstorm in the higher elevations, but, in my neighborhood, it was a rainstorm, and; it was lovely. The air smelled of rain, damp earth and sunshine and it was awesome.

Since that storm, the weather has fluctuated between warm and springish and windy and cool and that pretty much sums up springtime in the Rockies.

With the nicer weather has come more anxiety about the upcoming Spring Luncheon. We are two and a half weeks out and I am still lacking a hostess for one of the tables; if I can't find someone to take on the chore, we will lose almost $300 in revenues. I am obviously not cool with that outcome.

In addition to the hostess problem, I am also having a hard time getting the women in the club to volunteer for many of the other duties required of the luncheon. This is an unusual turn of events, given how dedicated to service this particular group of women is, generally speaking.

And, as if that weren't enough, we are also experiencing slower-than-usual ticket sales; we are still sitting on 100 out of 275. That's...not good.

I'm not going to let myself get all worked up over it; any money we end up making will go to good causes and, as long as we have some money after paying our expenses, we will be fine. Not awesome, but, fine.

Sometimes, fine has to suffice.

Sunday, March 03, 2013


Things I have accomplished so far this weekend:
  • Cleaned the house, including a hand-washing of the wood floors. Do you realize that 3/4 of my house features wood floors? My knees are killing me.
  • Cleaned out the refrigerator. I shudder at the memory.
  • Started the first of what promises to be one million loads of laundry.
  • Mended my down duvet; our bedroom was beginning to resemble a poultry farm thanks to the down escaping from the fabric. The cats loved it, Hugh and I? Not so much.
  • Stripped the flannel sheets from the bed and replaced them with cool cotton.
  • Tried on, picked out, and ordered  bridesmaid dresses for myself and The Teenager for a wedding that we are in later this summer.
  • Tried on, picked out, and, purchased a dress to wear to the upcoming Spring Luncheon.
  • Restocked my cupboards, freezers and the (clean!) refrigerator.
  • Purchased shoes for The Teenager to wear at work since every pair of shoes she owned consisted of support the equivalent of flip-flops and four hours on her feet was creating a major backache for her.
  • Purchased basketball shoes for the Man-Cub, whose foot has grown another size since we purchased basketball shoes for him earlier this winter.
  • Purchased the first seeds for this year's garden; carrot, beets, green beans, three types of lettuce, and, sugar pumpkins (we are determined to grow one for a pie this year).
  • Started a crock-pot full of broccoli-cheese soup for dinner, tonight.
  • Decorated the house for Easter.

Things I still need to accomplish this weekend:
  • Finish the last of the million loads of laundry.
  • Polish my toes with my newest shade of OPI.
  • Bake the chicken-cordon blue that the Man-Cub requested to go with the broccoli-cheese soup that I am making for dinner.
  • Wash the windows and french doors.
  • Wash my car.
  • Put away one million loads of laundry.

I'm so glad I got this energy spurt; I could not have hoped to accomplish this much anytime in the past two weeks.

Now, if only I could eat some chocolate as a reward...(Lent is becoming its' usual challenge all of a sudden).....but, no.

Just, no.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

I Will Never Take My Health For Granted Again

The Teenager's first day of work went really well; she even got a dollar tip! Granted, she was so nervous, she broke out in hives, but, she soldiered on and it sounds like she really likes the job as well as the people with whom she works. I could not be more proud.

While she was at work, I was cleaning the house. That doesn't sound terribly exciting but, it really, really needed it and I am happy to say that I am typing this post from the comfort of a cat hair-free couch, with nary a dust bunny or dog hair tumbleweed in sight. It's the little things, people.

I wish I could say that the laundry is all caught up, but that would be a lie. I am, however, working on it. I am also working on decorating the house for spring, and, if the weathermen are right, and, we see temperatures in the high 50's this weekend; I might just clean off the front porch.

Have I mentioned how nice it is to have some energy back? No? Well, it totally is; I especially like the part where I can stand in the shower and wash my hair without getting so exhausted that I have to sit down.

True story.

My appetite has also come back, and, with the exception of a few things; I am back to eating a normal diet without suffering a stomachache afterwards. I look for a few pounds weight-gain in the next week and, for once, I won't complain.

Too much.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Looks Like We Made It

March! My long-lost friend; how good it is to see you! Let's have a glass of wine and celebrate! Or, a mug of hot chocolate liberally laced with peppermint schnapps, either way; I'm just so happy to see you!

I have high hopes for this month. For one thing, I'm really looking forward to the Spring Luncheon that I have been organizing for the past three months. The luncheon is always fun and we raise a lot of money for our causes, but, mainly; I am looking forward to having it over and done with, because, once it is, I can eliminate five-to-six meetings a month from my already busy schedule.

I'm also looking forward to nicer weather. And, yes, we are expecting yet another snowstorm this weekend, but, I also heard a rumor about warmer temperatures in the coming week and that possibility tickles me to death.

Since I am starting to feel better, I am also looking forward to increasing my time in the kitchen. I naturally tend to enjoy cooking more during the nicer months (not sure what that is all about) and I especially love cooking with spring produce (hello, fresh, local asparagus! I've missed you!), so; bring on the Farmer's Market!

Easter is also right around the corner which means I need to get busy decorating my house with fluffy bunnies and colorful eggs. The fact that it also means the end of Lent is not lost on me, but; this recent illness has effectively killed my cravings for sweets, so, I am less rabid in my desire to return to sugar than I have been in years past.

I am excited for the 300 tulip, crocus and daffodil bulbs that I planted last fall to make their appearance, as well. Fingers crossed that they bloom and that I don't end up with lots of greenery and no colorful show (it's happened to me before).

And, that pretty much makes this the most optimistic post that I have written in a month.

Did I mention that February kicks my ass?