Warning: Contents of the Following Post May Be Considered Inappropriate For Some Readers
In a last-ditch effort to get right with my body (helloo, gall bladder attack!), I have been watching my diet (peanut butter M&M’s, oh how I miss you) as well as ramping up my exercise program and, I have to say; I have never been sorer in my life and I gave birth, without drugs.
The effort will pay off in the long run so I’m not really complaining but, I am suffering from an unexpected side-effect of the program; the inability to move without spontaneously cursing. Seriously, every move I make leads to an involuntary slew of curse words spewing from my mouth, a lot of curse words.
Sitting down on the toilet? SHITMOTHERFUCKERDAMN!
Reaching for an object on a shelf? SONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKER!
Walking up the stairs? DAMNMOTHERFUCKDAMNDAMN!
Getting out of the car? COCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERGODDAMN!
Bending over to pick up the newspaper? HOLYSHITSONOFABITCH!
I’m a sailor without a ship or George Carlin, reincarnated.
My personal diagnosis of the condition is Exercise Induced Tourette’s Syndrome and I’m embracing it to its fullest because, really, what else can I do; as I’ve said, the outbursts are involuntary and spontaneous and occur every time I move.
As one might imagine, they have also made me wildly popular with the customers at the hardware store, my neighbors, random passers-by and the occasional door-to-door salesman (realllly sorry about that unfortunate incident the other day, Schwann’s man).
On the other hand, my most annoying employee, a local politician campaigning for re-election and various telemarketers now avoid me like the plague which just goes to show; there is a bright side to every situation.