Thursday, September 18, 2008

Warning: Contents of the Following Post May Be Considered Inappropriate For Some Readers

In a last-ditch effort to get right with my body (helloo, gall bladder attack!), I have been watching my diet (peanut butter M&M’s, oh how I miss you) as well as ramping up my exercise program and, I have to say; I have never been sorer in my life and I gave birth, without drugs.

The effort will pay off in the long run so I’m not really complaining but, I am suffering from an unexpected side-effect of the program; the inability to move without spontaneously cursing. Seriously, every move I make leads to an involuntary slew of curse words spewing from my mouth, a lot of curse words.

Sitting down on the toilet? SHITMOTHERFUCKERDAMN!

Reaching for an object on a shelf? SONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKER!

Walking up the stairs? DAMNMOTHERFUCKDAMNDAMN!

Getting out of the car? COCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERGODDAMN!

Bending over to pick up the newspaper? HOLYSHITSONOFABITCH!

I’m a sailor without a ship or George Carlin, reincarnated.

My personal diagnosis of the condition is Exercise Induced Tourette’s Syndrome and I’m embracing it to its fullest because, really, what else can I do; as I’ve said, the outbursts are involuntary and spontaneous and occur every time I move.

As one might imagine, they have also made me wildly popular with the customers at the hardware store, my neighbors, random passers-by and the occasional door-to-door salesman (realllly sorry about that unfortunate incident the other day, Schwann’s man).

On the other hand, my most annoying employee, a local politician campaigning for re-election and various telemarketers now avoid me like the plague which just goes to show; there is a bright side to every situation.

SHITMOTHERFUCKDAMN!

3 comments:

Posey said...

Very funny...I laughed out loud.

Finlands finest said...

LOL--crack me up funny!!

Mary said...

Oh my gosh, I could have written that post (although I'm sure mine would have significantly more awkward and less funny) I curse every single time i get up and sit back down. My ass has not hurt like this since I don't know when. Stretching is torture. And sadly enough, i have to do the workout again tonight since I've already consumed the burned calories.