Thursday Thirteen, Edition Twenty-One:

Thirteen Things I Plan To Do this Weekend

1. Attend the Man-Cub’s last football game of the season.

2. Take the kids to our town’s annual Punkin Chuckin’ event just to see how far the volunteer firemen can launch a pumpkin with their new-and improved-hydraulic pumpkin launcher.

3. Follow the Punkin Chuckin’ with a trip through the corn maze, in the dark. Rumor has it the firemen have made a scarier maze than last year’s and, we had a pretty good time last year.

4. Dip caramel apples with the kids. In the past, I have proven somewhat dipping-challenged but, this year; I scoured the internet for the secret to perfect caramel apples and I think I found it. Unless, of course, I fail in which case; damn you, internet….damn you.

5. Pull down all thirty boxes of outdoor Halloween decorations that Hugh and I have amassed over the years.

6. Determine which of the decorations will be pressed into use on our haunted house for The Teenager’s friends on Halloween night.

7. Make a list of new things we need in order to make the haunted house as scary as possible.

8. Fret over the possibility of the haunted house being lame, thus ensuring the embarrassment of The Teenager for the rest of her life.

9. Carve the pumpkins that we picked up at the pumpkin patch last Saturday.

10. Find either the time to clean the house or the patience to bear the dust.

11. Bake cupcakes for the Man-Cub’s school Halloween party.

12. Till fertilizer into the garden, spread a layer of grass clippings over it and call it good for the season.

13. Remember to place a towel under my head in case of obnoxious drooling once I finish everything and fall into a coma on the couch riiiight about 7:00 Sunday night.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!


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Your Tax Dollars at Work

This morning, a nicely dressed young couple entered the store pushing a nicely dressed baby in a very nice stroller. They spent a few minutes browsing the contents of the cosmetics aisle, where the young woman found a tube of mascara that was to her liking. At the register, she happily informed me that they were going to have their family pictures done at a studio that I am quite familiar with but do not frequent due to the photographer’s prices being significantly out of my budget.

Unfortunately, the young woman said, she had forgotten her mascara and, now she needed to purchase some because her eyelashes just do not stand out without mascara, a predicament with which I am, sadly, personally familiar.

Then, she handed me a Colorado Quest Card and told me to charge the purchase against it.

The Colorado Quest Card, for those of you unfamiliar, is a card issued to the indigent for purchases of food; electronic food stamps, if you will.

I declined to accept the card and the young lady was most put out with me. She argued the point for several minutes until I casually tossed out the words benefit fraud and she and the young man hustled out of the store in a hurry.

And, I realized that, this is what is wrong with our society today; people bent on taking advantage of services they don’t deserve.

Unless she planned to eat that tube of mascara in which case, my bad.

A Busy Weekend, a Frantic Monday and One Perverted Conversation

Monday, Monday, why must every great weekend be followed by a crazy Monday? Ah well....

….so, yeah, the busy weekend started with an early visit to the local corn maze so that we could partake of the Search for Ourselves as a family before Hugh went to town to work a security detail. I suppose we could have skipped the corn maze this year but, with the sands slipping through the hourglass of my children’s youth, I said, screw that and, off we went.

For the record, while The Teenager texted away for roughly half of the journey, she also appeared to have a good time. I counted only two eye rolls and one “whatever” the entire two hours that we spent in the maze. Personal record!

The Man-Cub was delighted by the maze, as any boy of eleven years would be, and we allowed him to carry the map and to lead the way. Despite half his genetic make-up coming from my direction-challenged side of the double helix, he led us out in under an hour, never took a wrong turn and could tell us exactly where we were in the maze at any given time. Cub Scouts did him right, I’m thinking.

After navigating the maze, we picked pumpkins from the neighboring patch and then went out to lunch. Hugh left not long after for his stint as a rent-a-cop and The Teenager, the Man-Cub and I headed to town for the Cub’s football game where, thanks to some miscommunication on the part of the new part-time activities director; we spent roughly an hour waiting at the wrong field for the opposing team to show up.

After a few frantic cell phone calls from the director, we made our way to the correct field where we were pummeled by what looked to be a Junior Varsity football team but was, in reality, fifth and sixth graders just like the Man-Cub’s team except ginormous. Anyway, the boys played as well as they could and, since the weather was absolutely gorgeous and I could think of far worse ways to spend the afternoon, all was well.

After the game, the kids and I made our weekly offering to the Gods of Commerce and then settled in to watch scary movies on DVD until Hugh came home.

Sunday was filled with the usual chores, laundry, cleaning, eating my weight in cinnamon rolls and apple cider donuts and cooking. I actually made the pot of butternut soup that I had been planning to make last weekend and it turned out quite well.

While the soup simmered on the stove, I convinced The Teenager to pose for some pictures for me. I claimed that I needed the practice since I will be taking pictures for my massage therapist this week but, between you and me, I just wanted some pictures of my daughter who is becoming more and more beautiful every day, if I do say so myself.

Today, I spent the usual amount of time catching up with my work at the store. Since it was Monday, I had two days worth of money to make deposits for plus payroll to make out and bills to pay. When I get this busy, I don’t generally answer the phone, allowing the employees to take the calls but, at one point I was between writing checks and so picked up the phone on the second ring. The man on the other end asked if we serviced rigid tools which, damned if I knew so, I had to put him on hold while I found someone to ask.

Chelle: Hugh? This guy wants to know if we service rigid tools. Is he serious or is this a dirty joke?
Hugh: Oh. My. God. It’s a brand name. Yes, we service them. We sell them, too.
Chelle: Well, I only service one rigid tool so, how would I know?
Hugh: Oh. My. God.

And he looked just like this

when he said it.

For the record, my new euphemism for intercourse is; “Dear, I think it’s time to service your Rigid tool.” 

Totally.

You Rub My Feet, Me Love You Long Time

I just got back from a fabulously relaxing hour and a half long massage. I am limp like a noodle and I like it.

After the massage, my therapist made me an offer I could not refuse; free massages in exchange for my taking photos of her kids for her to give away as Christmas gifts. She has three absolutely gorgeous children, wants a casual setting and more candid shots than posed photos so, in short; just my thing.

We agreed to do the shoot next Friday and now I have to cross my fingers for good weather since those three gorgeous kids playing in the fall leaves in our local park is just the scene I’m going for.

This of course means Mother Nature will be sending a blizzard our way riiiight around this time next week.

Mark my words.

On the other hand, three gorgeous kids playing in the snow would work out just as well. Ha! Take that, Mother Nature!

Um, you totally know I was kidding, right Mother Nature? Please don't smite me.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Twenty:

Thirteen Places I Have Been

1. Seattle/Gig Harbor, Washington. I went to visit my sister Barbie shortly after my nephew was born. Gig Harbor is absolutely beautiful and Pike Place Market in Seattle was a fabulous place to experience, especially with my sister whose company I enjoy.

2. Nova Scotia. Hugh, the kids and I visited my brother and sister-in-law for our nephew’s baptism while brother-in-law was stationed in Canada. The Teenager was probably seven or eight at the time yet managed to eat a lobster roughly half her size there.

3. Honolulu, Hawaii. Family vacation when I was a senior in high school. Hawaii is gorgeous and amazing and breathtaking but, it was my mom who made the trip memorable.

4. Mazatlan, Mexico. Spring Break 1990. My college roommates had managed to finagle a practically free trip for the five of us and, from what I can remember, we had a great time. Oh, there was that minor incident wherein we accidentally dropped one of my roommates on her head in a fountain but, she was unconscious before she hit her head so, it was all good. I love Girl Trips.

5. Washington DC. Our nation’s capitol and a must-see for every American.

6. Portland, Oregon. I was on a business trip and my sister Barbie drove from Washington to spend a couple of days with me. We shopped, ate bad things and drank enough Starbucks coffee to float a boat. Good times.

7. Key West, Florida. When The Teenager was six months old, we flew to Florida to introduce her to Hugh’s grandmother who lived in Ft. Lauderdale. While we were there, we borrowed Grandma’s car and drove to the keys. Driving across the Intercostals highway was a neat experience.

8. Sante Fe, New Mexico. New Mexico was practically in my back yard while I was growing up and after Hugh and I were married we would take weekend trips to Sante Fe or Taos. The art galleries alone were worth the trip but the food was to die for.

9. Bridgetown, Barbados. Hugh and I spent our anniversary on the island last year, swimming in the warmest water I have ever felt, drinking afternoon tea sweetened with syrup and snorkeling with sea turtles. I want to go back again one day.

10. New Orleans, Louisiana. We’ve actually visited The Big Easy twice now, once pre-Katrina and once after. It’s a gorgeous city and the people are quite interesting. No wonder Brangelina bought real estate there.

11. Brunswick, Maine. Hugh’s brother’s family settled there once his time in the service was up. It’s a quaint little town and I can see why they love it so much.

12. Sedona, Arizona. If red rock formations, dessert sands and price gouging are your thing, Sedona is the place for you.

13. Chicago, Illinois. Hugh’s sister and her family live in a suburb of Chicago and we have visited them a number of times over the years but my favorite visit was one I took without Hugh. In October of 1994, Emily and I flew out to attend my sister-in-law’s bridal shower. We got to attend one of the fittings for my sister-in-law’s dress, did some shopping and sight-seeing and spent time with my sister-in-law’s girlfriends who were gracious and entertaining. It was a neat trip and, in case I haven't mentioned it before, I love Girl Trips.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!


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View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

I’m Calling It Holy Shit, He’s Eating a Vegetable

Behold the power of the spaghetti squash; a child so finicky about vegetables he asks me to strain the chunks out of his spaghetti sauce and yet, here he is eating a squash, voluntarily. I have no words, I think I might cry.

Oh, wait, it's just something in my eye.

In related news, I might have been a tad bit premature in offering to give away all of our spaghetti squash at today’s women’s club meeting; back-pedaling to ensue forthwith.

And You Thought I Was Kidding About All That Spaghetti Squash

I harvested the garden as planned this weekend and my squash haul was impressive if you consider having enough spaghetti squash to adequately feed a small army impressive which, I don’t ; I was hoping for at least half as many butternut squashes but, you know, you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Or, you throw a fit and hope that no one is watching.

I did manage to salvage that one itty-bitty butternut from the evil clutches of the spaghetti squash but, alas, it was far too tiny to provide enough pulp for butternut soup and I was forced to purchase butternuts from the local farmer’s stand. Then, in a move so classically me; I fell out of the mood to cook butternut soup and those butternuts will sit on the countertop in my kitchen until such time as I feel the mood returns. I’m a fickle bitch that way.

When I wasn’t tearing squash out of the garden or bemoaning my lack of motivation to puree, I was driving. For instance, I drove over an hour each way for The Teenager’s final volleyball tournament. Her team went into the tournament in the championship bracket by virtue of having a near-undefeated season, I believe they lost one game, and; our hopes for a first-place finish were high. Unfortunately, t’was not to be; the girls lost their only game in the single-elimination tourney and we turned around and drove home.

That sounds sad, huh? Ok, it wasn’t really but, only because my parents and my niece had made the trip to the tournament from their side of the mountain and The Teenager got to spend some time with her cousin whom she worships like a goddess. This naturally put her in a terrific (for a surly teenager) mood which I took full advantage of; we spent the rest of the day together, visiting the hair salon and shopping. It was great. Mother-daughter bonding! Rainbows! Unicorns!

Then, I helped her clean Audrey’s cage and I drove her to her science fair partner’s house for a sleep-over and so they could begin their Hamster Trials (not to be confused with Witch Trials although, if it were me and one of those rodents escaped in my house, a burning at the stake might very well follow).

To recap: A full day with The Teenager, in a good mood (and the heavenly choir sang JOY to the world! All the boys and girls, joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea and joy to you and me!)

That is, until one o’clock the following morning when she called from her science fair partner’s house to tell me that she was throwing up and that I would have to pick her and Audrey up, right away.

And, as I was driving to her friend’s house in my sweats and fuzzy slippers, I had a total flashback to every Friday night in college when my boyfriend would call me from a bar or party to pick his ass up and drive it home. Which, in hindsight, totally prepared me for parenthood; I guess I should probably take back every nasty thing that I said about him in the years since.

But, I digress.

The Teenager’s stomach flu lasted the normal twelve or so hours and, while she slept it off, I bonded with my other child by decorating the house for Halloween and working in the yard which is where we spied this guy

who has been making regular visits to the feeders for the past week or so. I’m guessing he is a teenage runaway because, the last time I checked, parakeets weren’t indigenous to the Colorado Rockies. I hope he lives through the winter or that he finally wises up and heads back home; it’s tough living on the streets and we wouldn’t want to see him get hooked up with some lowlife drug-dealing sparrows or something sinister like that.

And, yes, I’m sure he is a teenager because, at one point, he fluffed up his feathers and looked at me like I was the lowliest piece of dirt under his feet even though I was feeding him. Also, the eye roll totally gave it away.