Friday, December 12, 2008

Tips for Enjoying Your Annual Mammogram

Ok, maybe enjoying isn’t the right word, instead, let’s call it; Tips for Leaving Your Mammogram Relatively Unscathed.

Number One and, this is important to remember: PMS + Mammogram = F’OUCH! (F’ouch being the PG version of the ever popular fucking OUCH). So, ladies, do yourself a favor and schedule your exam for a week during which you are not craving chocolate, bloated like a week-old corpse, acne-prone, already experiencing boob tenderness and, you know, irritable. Trust me.

Number Two: Introduce yourself to the radiology technician; you don’t want to go to second base with a total stranger you are, after all, a lady.

Number Three: Prepare a list of songs that you can sing along to in your head as the technician maneuvers your girlie-bits onto the machine. At the appropriate moment, burst into song; if your singing voice is as bad as mine, this will be at least slightly less embarrassing than having a total stranger, albeit one you are now on a first-name basis with, feel you up. If you have a great singing voice this will obviously not work for you so…um…eat a couple of burritos prior to the appointment and pray for noisy flatulence.

Number Four: Once the technician has your breast correctly positioned between the Lucite plates of the imaging machine and begins to crank the plates together, DO NOT LOOK DOWN; you will never shake the image of your boob as road kill. Never. Shudder

Number Five: When the technician tells you not to breathe, yeah, don’t breathe, it will cause the image to blur and you will be forced to go through the entire boob manipulation routine all over again.

Seriously, don’t breathe.

I hope this list helps to prepare you for your next go-around with the taffy puller. If not, a stiff shot of Jack Daniels following your appointment can help to dull the edges around the memory of the experience.

Or, um, so I’ve heard.

All kidding aside, ladies; get your boobs checked. It really isn’t that bad and your health could depend on it although, for the record, I stand by Number One on this list.

Seriously, f’ouch.


  1. I've always thought mammograms sound awful. But I still contend that nothing is worse than the dentist. Even a pap smear. I HATE the dentist.

  2. That is F@#*ing sooooo funny... you are.....fricking a CRACK UP!!!!
    Glad you survived!!! :)

  3. Just had my first mammogram today. Ouch indeed!!!