Thursday, September 14, 2006

Please, Talk Me Down From The Ledge

Yesterday, I completely lost my shit with the Man-Cub for losing his backpack at school. It was irrational and loud and probably pretty frightening for the boy and, honestly, I have no defense. But, still, his entire backpack, just gone; how does that happen?

Apparently, if you are the Man-Cub, you leave it in the school gymnasium and walk away, fully expecting it to be there when you return because, even though you have been told fifty million times that you must be responsible for your possessions, you think; what harm, can possibly come from leaving your packpack for just a minute?

Well, I will tell you, some little asshole could just up and walk away with it, scoring himself not just a really nice (and expensive) packpack but also your beloved Lightning McQueen lunchbox (which just happened to contain two of your mother’s most beloved pieces of tiny Tupperware), your Old Navy windbreaker jacket; the one that convienently folds into its own self-storing pocket, two library books and, most importantly, your classroom assignment book.

That is what harm can come from it.

Oh, and your mother will totally lose her shit.


Anyway, I took the kids to school this morning and asked the Principal to announce that we are offering a reward for the safe return of the backpack and its contents. I’m thinking $5 is a sufficient amount assuming one of two things; either a friend of the Cub noticed the pack and picked it up intending to return it to him today or, a stranger picked it up by mistake and, upon realizing their mistake, returns it today. I am not overly optimistic.

On the off-chance that the little fuckwit who stole it returns it for the reward, however, I plan to inform him that his reward is knowing that he did a good thing and, I intend to say it as sweetly as possible without choking on my own bile.

The worst case scenario, obviously, is that the pack will never be returned and the Cub will have to use his allowance to pay for the library books. Oh, and his lunches will be packed in brown paper bags for the duration of the school year.

Time will tell.

On a happier note, Hugh is coming home today! Now, if one of the children does something totally frustrating and irresponsible, he can lose his shit and I can step in and be the nurturing and supportive parent. You know, like usual.

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