Thursday, December 14, 2006

Eleven Days Until Christmas and My ass Still Hurts

As impossible as it seems, the bruise on my left butt cheek has gotten even bigger. It has also changed colors and now resembles a wicked case of gangrene which, honestly? So cool! I’m not actually pulling for gangrene or anything of course because, if I had the gangrene, the butt cheek would probably fall off and, my jeans just would not hang right.

The really disappointing thing about having such an awesomely disgusting bruise is that, with the exception of my closest loved ones, no one gets to see it since, contrary to what you may have heard; I do not make a practice of baring my private parts to the general public.

Did you just hear that? It was my mother breathing a sigh of relief.

Yeah, don’t get too smug there Mom because, while I might be a paragon of virtue, the Man-Cub has a diametrically opposing view of nudity which is to say; Hey! Lets all be naked! The best evidence of this is the fact that I cannot convince him to get dressed following his baths and/or showers. Instead, he is quite content to streak around the house wearing nothing save for his froggie bath towel which hangs by its hood from his stubborn little head.

And, speaking of his stubborn little head (the, um… other one), last night, when I went to kiss the Cub before bedtime I found him sound asleep on his back with one arm thrown jauntily over his head and the other firmly planted in his underwear.

Say what you will about the little annoyances that make it hard to be a female but, could you imagine going to bed every night with the fear that your penis will just up and run away while you’re sleeping?

Because, that’s got to be what that was all about.

On a totally different subject, tonight the Cub, The Girl and I are headed to the home of one of the other Cub Scouts to help with the building of our float for tomorrow night’s parade of lights. Hugh is really disappointed that he can’t help but, he will be officiating a wrestling tournament in a neighboring town. So, it’s kind of like we are sending in the B team but, it can’t be helped and, in defense of my somewhat limited technical abilities, I am partially proficient in the use of a staple gun so, we should be fine.

Hugh will also be officiating at a wrestling tournament tomorrow night so he will miss the opportunity to participate in the parade which, I’m sure, makes him sad. I mean, who wouldn’t be sad about missing the chance to walk a mile in the dark handing out candy canes to greedy children while trying not to freeze their (already quite damaged) ass off?

Not that I’m bitter.

Really, I’m not; I actually enjoy the parade as it is one of the traditional holiday activities that we try to participate in each year which brings us to…My Favorite Holiday Things: Traditional Activities edition! Things we like to do each year to help us get in the holiday spirit including:

-The parade, obviously.

-Ringing bells for the Salvation Army, which we did several weeks ago.

-Caroling, which we haven’t actually done in several years but which is something that I would like to do again, you know, eventually.

-Attending mid-night mass, yeah, um...ditto the above.

-Taking the kids to see Santa and, since I doubt that I have too many years left in which to enjoy this particular activity, I am really glad the Big Guy found time in his busy schedule to visit our mall this year.

Thanks, Santa!

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