Whatever, Ebeneezer

Day two at the hardware store and I’m already getting faster. By tomorrow, I will be running the store with one hand tied behind my back.

Or not.

Speaking of tying things up, Emily and Oscar are leaving for Illinois tomorrow to spend the holidays with Hugh’s sister and her family. You see? She was ready to bolt, I was right and, clearly; I should have tied her up sooner.

On a totally unrelated subject, I had a ninety-minute massage this morning. I did it as a gift to myself; like a reward for not going postal during my last two months of employment in Old Job. I deserved it and it felt good.

In other totally unrelated yet fascinating news, I received my treat assignment for the Man-Cub’s classroom Christmas party today; I am assigned to bring….wait for it….celery and carrot sticks.

What. The. Hell.

What manner of Christmas spirit is there for children to find in vegetables? I might as well just throw a lump of coal at the poor bastards and tell them that Santa does not exist and that Rudolph made for a mighty tasty venison. I mean really, bah-fucking-humbug, kids! Have a carrot!

So…because I am a Christmas rebel, I plan to make penguins out of black olives and cream cheese instead. Hey, olives are vegetables and, hopefully, the kids will find them somewhat entertaining. And, you know, rife with the Christmas spirit.

Celery and carrots my ass.