High and Low

When the kids were small, we would sometimes ask them to tell us about the highs and lows of their day; it was a great way to start a conversation and almost always entertaining.

Today, I'm going to tell you about my highs and lows from yesterday, when I traveled to Neighboring City for my annual physical exam.

We'll start with the low: upon arriving in the examination room, the PA informed me that, after a five-year hiatus, it was time for a pap smear.

No woman enjoys a pap smear. At least, none I've ever met.

You know what else no woman enjoys? Her extremely chipper British doctor informing her in a sing-song British accent that she sees some mild prolapse in her hoo-ha while conducting said pap smear.

But it's ok; it will be a while before the uterus drops completely out of the vagina, and this is what happens naturally as we get old.

Yes. She said all these things. In a chipper British accent.

Low point: reached.

To soothe my injured feelings I did what any normal woman would do: I engaged in retail therapy.

Specifically, I went to Sephora to find some elusive magical potion that would slow the trajectory of the inevitable slide into my dowager era.

You can be assured that I was aggressively engaging in Kegel exercises the entire time I searched the shelves.

Upon finding no magic potions, I left the store, dejectedly.

Our Sephora is inside a Khol's, so I was wandering around the mature women's department (which is apparently where I belong, now) when a woman approached me and asked, very sweetly, if I would mind telling her what foundation I use, because, and I quote "your skin is so flawless; it looks airbrushed".

I was mid-Kegel when she said it, and I swear, I felt my uterus scoot up higher.

High point: reached and then some.

The moral of this story is: if you see something about a person you admire, please tell them. They may be at a low point, and a kind word from you could be the difference between a sad, woe-is-me day and a better, brighter, I-can-take-on-the-world kind of day.

Also, ladies, don't forget to do your Kegels. No woman wants her uterus to drop out of her hoo-ha like a dusty paratrooper.

And, for the record, I don't use a traditional foundation; I have used this product from Neutrogena for years.