Pet Peeves

I'm a pretty mellow person by nature. I balance positive and negative emotions and always try to look for the bright side of any situation. That said, there are a few things that just righteously Piss. Me. Off. They are, in no particular order:

-Ordering a side of cheese curds in the drive-thru lane of the local A&W/Long John Silvers and getting practically home before realizing that my cheese curds are actually deep fried popcorn shrimp. If gas didn't cost almost four bucks a gallon, I would have driven right back and dumped those fucking shrimps right over the head of the moron working the drive-thru window.*

-Mouth breathers. Loud eaters. Loogie hawkers. Gross. Just, gross.

-People who are chronically late.

-People who are rude to waiters and waitresses.

-People who say one thing and then do the exact opposite. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with people who make promises and then break them as well as with people who tell me things that they obviously think I am too stupid to recognize as total bullshit. My bullshit detector, for the record? Fully functional and finely tuned, and; if I haven't called you on your shit it's probably because I am quietly plotting my revenge.

-Being underestimated, condescended to, patronized or dismissed.

-Men who stare at my breasts. Yes, they are a thing of beauty, but, so are my eyes, asshole.

-People who don't automatically understand the many references that I make to Zombieland. Double tap, people? No? Oh, come on!


*This would actually never happen, see above; rudeness to wait staff, distaste of.

What the What?

I was just watching The Today Show, during which; Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb were discussing things that they consider strange. One of Kathie Lee's big no-no's appears to be accompanying her friends to public restrooms. Hoda, on the other hand, has no problem with peeing in the company of her friends, she will even go so far as to join them in restrooms without individual stalls; an admission that just about made Kathie Lee's head spin like Linda Blair's in that one movie.

This brings me to the following two conclusions:

1) Kathie Lee has no close girlfriends. I say this because, in the twenty-some years that I have known The Girls, I have had occasion to share bathrooms with them in at least four states and two countries. I have peed in tandem with them on numerous occasions in public restrooms and in the great outdoors when a restroom was unavailable. We have also peed together in locations that are not actually appropriate for peeing, but; I can't really get into that. Plus, I blame the Devil Tequila. So, yeah; Kathie Lee has no true friends.

2) Hoda would be way more fun to hang out with; I don't care how much wine Kathie Lee drinks.

The end.

Kicking Off Summer in Style

Our Memorial Day celebration consisted of floating in hot water, laying in the sun, eating ice cream, laughing with friends, enjoying the beauty of the area in which we live, dining on food crafted at a local brewery and, finally, crashing into a coma-like sleep due to exhaustion.

I think that constitutes a great Memorial Day.

Unfortunately, while enjoying all that sunshine, Hugh and I managed to get sunburned in weird and random patterns all over our bodies. I blame improper sunscreen application for some of the burns but must also question the sunscreen itself since I know I applied multiple layers of the stuff to the inside of Hugh's knees while he was sleeping and yet he still managed two wicked burns in that exact area.

Anyway, I have a week and a half to recover from the burns before heading out to meet The Girls for our weekend get-a-way and I am determined to be evenly colored before the trip.

Or, I will drink enough wine to forget about my patch-work tan lines. Either way.

Thank You

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

In Which Weeds are My Nemesis and Space is the Final Party Frontier

I spent the better part of the day in the garden, weeding. I am now 99% positive that everything growing in the garden will eventually produce something edible. You know, at some point.

While I was weeding, the kids were at Jana's, either watching a Disney classics marathon or playing in the wilderness; I'll let you guess who was doing what (hint: the girls don't particularly care for the wilderness).

Both kids had spent Saturday night at Jana's since, that is where we went upon our return from Mayberry; Darren's birthday party having been the major reason that we left Mayberry after a mere twenty-four hour visit rather than spending the entire holiday weekend.

The birthday party was a lot of fun, with the kids enjoying whatever it is that kids enjoy while the adults enjoyed grown-up beverages and conversation about such topics as politics and the state of the economy. Just kidding; we were totally talking about what cool new toys we need to buy for the boats this summer (the menfolk) and planning a cool outing for the kids (the wimmens, obviously).

And, that cool outing? A stargazing party to be held in the wilderness. Don't worry, the girls will like this version of wilderness; we are going to take Jana's new/old motorhome Dolly, and, we will gaze at the stars from her roof.

Dolly, it should be noted, is a motorhome from the 1980's. She still features the decor and styling of the time and her horn plays a number of catchy tunes, including Dixieland. Awesome.

Anyway, the plan is to take Dolly to the drive-in for a showing of Men in Black III followed by the aforementioned stargazing. The theme of the evening will be complemented by appropriately named snacks to include: Milky Way bars, Mars bars, Starburst, Pop Rocks, Moon Pies, and, Zagnuts. Because we know how to party.

After stargazing, we will hit the local Denny's for breakfast and then call it a night/early morning. The kids were stoked when we told them the plan but, in all honesty, Jana and I are at least as excited (probably more).

The outing is tentatively scheduled for whenever the drive-in shows the movie which could be the as late as the end of the summer or as early as next week. It all depends on the schedule.

Speaking of schedules, tomorrow we have scheduled a trip to the local hot springs for soaking and a picnic since our original Memorial Day plan of boating on the lake has been derailed by high winds, and; boats, wind and water do not mix.

In fact, wind on the lake is almost as annoying to me as weeds in my garden.

Almost.

And a Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven

Two years ago, we sat in a stifling hot gymnasium, watching The Rebel Without a Pause, AKA, my nephew, as he graduated from high school. Last night, it was his sister's turn to don a mortarboard and to make her sojourn down the aisle to her future.

My sister is now, officially, an Empty-Nester. I'm not quite sure how she feels about that. Actually, I'm pretty sure she would say that she isn't quite sure how she feels about it, either, but; there it is.

Time waits for no man, after all. Just ask my mom and dad, who, not so long ago, sat in a stifling gymnasium, watching as I and each of my sisters graduated from high school, ourselves.

Now, if you will excuse me, I feel the need to do something, anything, to get that stupid Turn, Turn, Turn song out of my head because; there may be a season for each thing under heaven but ear worms should surely be excluded.

Commencing With the Lazy

Yesterday, I slept in until after 8:00, that's like noon in Teenager Speak. When I got up, the Man-Cub had a pot of coffee waiting for me. The weather was gorgeous, and, after work, I spent a quiet hour in the garden, where seedlings are emerging at a rapid rate. Then, I swept the porch, watered the containers of Gerber daisies and fluffed the cushions on the wicker settee; the porch is pretty much ready for its' inaugural Porch Night, which; I'm planning for sometime next week. The rest of the evening was spent in the company of the kids and Not The Boyfriend; we watched movies until way past our normal bedtimes.

Later today, the kids and I are headed to Mayberry, where we will watch my niece, the Rodeo Princess, graduate from High School. It will be a quick trip since we want to be home Saturday evening for the Man-Cub to attend Darren's birthday party.

Hugh has to work for the police department on Sunday, but, Memorial Day is wide open for a trip to the lake for the first boat launch of the season.

It's beginning to look a lot like summer, I'm thinking.

Finally.