Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and an Ass Broken on the Hall Stairs

Last night, as the Man-Cub and I were making our way down the stairs, I slipped and fell. The Man-Cub, who had been in front of me making train noises, had just suggested that we trade places so that I could be the engine. I slipped while making the move in front of him so; of course, he felt responsible for the accident and immediately broke into tears. In fact, he was in full-on hysteria mode by the time I landed at the bottom of the stairs at which point I had a choice to make. I could lie about in agony, crying and waiting for the pain to subside or I could suck it up and comfort my obviously distraught son. Since I like to think of myself as a good parent and, because I want the children to think well of me when they are picking out my nursing home, I chose the latter, jumping to my feet and embracing the Cub. I assured him that it had not been his fault and I reminded him that accidents happen, even to mommies. Particularly to mommies who are utterly spastic and who opt not to hold the handrail for fear of disturbing the lighted garland.

This morning, my entire left butt cheek is a massive bruise, radiating from a knot the size of an ostrich egg. On the one hand, I am totally bootylicious, which is rare for me as I am generally quite flat-butted. On the downside, the bootyliciousness in no way extends to the right cheek, making for an interesting side profile, think, less J-Lo and more Elephant Man, and you've pretty much got it. I am so sexy. And, you know, old. Although, I do seem to recall a time in my childhood when sliding down a staircase on my butt was considered quality entertainment.

Which brings us to the topic of today’s My Favorite Holiday Things: The Toy Edition! That’s right; following are the best gifts that I can remember receiving for Christmas as a child. I know! I am beside myself with anticipation, too.

-Wake Up Thumbelina. I got this doll the same year that my older sister got a Baby Crissy doll and my younger sister got…hell, I don’t remember, some kind of doll. I only know that because my mother took a picture of the three of us on my Aunt Pat’s couch with the dolls. I do remember the doll, however. You were supposed to lay her down on her tummy to sleep and, when it was time to wake up, you pushed the button on her back and she would roll over and hold her arms up to you. Precious. Of course, this doll would be considered a travesty today since we all know that you put babies on their backs to sleep, like duh, Mattel.

-The Barbie Airplane. This was the coolest piece of vinyl covered cardboard ever to grace the Jr. Ms. Congeniality household. I played with it until the seams split and the cardboard was so bent that the wings would no longer stay up. I loved it so much and remember it so well, I actually bought The Girl the new version of the airplane for Christmas when she was five or six. Hers came with Barbie as a pilot which was quite the promotion since, when I had my airplane, Barbie was just a lowly stewardess.

-The Barbie Country Camper. Yes, I loved Barbie. In my defense, I was completely unaware of the controversy surrounding Barbie and her plot to dumb down girls by encouraging gender stereotypes. I was like seven, people. I did wise up eventually, as indicated by my next favorite toy…

-Kelly Garrett, AKA: Charlie’s Angel. My younger sister and I played Charlie’s Angels all the time. She, being blond and blue eyed, played the part of Jill Munroe and I was Kelly Garrett. Our older sister was too sophisticated to play at such make-believe with us so we just pretended that she was Sabrina Whateverherlastnamewas and that she was away on an undercover mission. When I got the Kelly doll, my sister got the Jill doll and we were able to further our imaginations. Since the dolls were made on a radically different size scale from Barbie, we never mixed the two and Barbie became less of a fixture in our playtime.

-The Bionic Woman and her dome house. Best. Christmas. Present. Ever. I wanted that thing more than I had ever wanted anything else (except for a pony. God, did I want a freaking pony) and I was tickled pink on Christmas morning when I discovered this under the tree. The Bionic Woman shattered the last of my preconceived notions of what women were supposed to be and I don’t think I ever played with Barbie again. Really, who could blame me; the skin on the Bionic Woman’s arm rolled up to reveal her bionic parts! The skin rolled up, people.

Years later, I met Hugh. I knew he was the one for me the minute I saw this on a shelf in his childhood bedroom. Hello, Six Million Dollar Man!

Geeks of a feather flock together or, something like that.

Wow; tripping down memory lane sure has been a pleasure! Speaking of tripping, that reminds me; my ass cheek has a date with an ice bag.