Friday, February 11, 2011

And Somewhere, Linda Blair Does a Slow Clap

I’m still not feeling well and, by not feeling well, I mean; I am in snot-nosed agony. My head and chest are so congested, I feel like I am carrying an alien twin, an angry alien twin bent on attaining world domination one sinus cavity at a time. This is ridiculous, of course since; we all know that the aliens only possess grandparents, their evil plan being to attain world domination through sugary treats and nonexistent curfews and, as is always the case, I digress.

Actually, I’m thinking of changing the name of this blog to And I Digress. Thoughts? Comments? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Anywaaayyy…a few minutes ago, my solitude on the couch was interrupted by two Jehovah’s Witnesses at my front door. They observed the box of tissues under my arm, the mug of Thera-Flu in my hand and the look of despair on my face and deduced, quite accurately, that now was not the most opportune time to talk to me about my immortal soul. They did, however, want to take a quick second to discuss the prevalence of the occult in today’s society to which I replied “Really? You think the occult is prevalent? Because I am having the worst time finding willing participants for my blood sacrifices. Do y’all actually know people who are interested because, that is the kind of information that I would pay for.”

Ok, I didn’t actually say that but, I was just about to when I inadvertently burst into a spasm of coughing and gagging that made anything Linda Blair could come up with pale in comparison. Seriously, there were bodily fluids involved as well as some righteous head spinning.

It wasn’t pretty but it was certainly effective; the Witnesses made haste to depart from the front porch and I was allowed to return to the fetal position on the couch which means that this cold has had at least some redeeming purpose if you consider screwing with Jehovah's Witnesses to be a worthwhile pastime.

Which I apparently do. 

1 comment:

Erika said...

Oh honey, I FEEL your pain, literally. I have been sick with much the same since LAST Sunday. Seriously, how can the body produce so much snot?