Yesterday, in yet another vain attempt to break out of my usual exercise routine, I popped an old DVD into the player. I hadn't used that particular DVD recently and, it didn't take long to remember why I hadn't used it. The DVD is Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease and It. Is. BAD. Or, I'm bad at it, either way. The good news is, I'm not any more bad at it than I was the last time I attempted it which was back in 2008, when I wrote the following description of the "workout"..
The video starts with Carmen and two prostitutes…I mean…dancers…dressed in terry cloth shorts and short-sleeved zippered hoodies, circa 1979. If you are picturing Crissy Snow from Three’s Company, there you have it. Anyhoo, Carmen, Crissy and Janet start us off with a nice, albeit smutty, warm-up and we’re off!
The head rolls with accompanying hair toss, I got down pat. Rocking the hips side to side took a bit more practice. Aggressively gyrating the hips while simultaneously thrusting the chest forward and sucking the index finger on the right hand while maintaining an alluring facial expression? I sucked at, exponentially. In fact, random onlookers would have easily mistaken me for a seizing epileptic rather than for an alluring, sexy, albeit, smutty, stripper.
Needless to say; the DVD has been officially retired to the Drawer of Shame. And, once again, I can assure you thatI will never be fit for an occupation that requires stilettos, a pole, and pasties complete with tassels. And, if you have ever seen me naked; you just breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Also, it’s probably time to renew my gym membership.
In other news, school is still going well. The Teenager is having some minor difficulty with one of her teachers; a man who seems to think that verbal abuse will roll off the child's back like water off a duck. Parent/Teacher conferences are next week; I'll see how well parental criticism rolls off his back and I'll let you know.
While the Man-Cub has yet to produce a single shred of homework, he did manage straight A's and B's on his midterm reports which leads me to assume that he is: a) so phenomenally advanced that he finished every assignment at school or b) has used his charming personality to cajole his teachers into grading on a unique curve. Conferences should settle that debate, as well.
And, now, I am off to walk/run around the park because I need the exercise and because sweats and a grungy old t-shirt are perfectly acceptable attire for the deed; no tittie-tassels required.
You're welcome, neighbor!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I Suck at Asking for Help
The team lunch this weekend is going to be a relatively simple affair; mini-submarine sandwiches, string cheese, grapes, individual packages of trail mix and bottled water.
Organizing the thing should be easy-peasy except; I suck at asking people for help. I mean, I really suck at it. So, what should have been a relatively simple matter of making a few phone calls has turned into making forty-some sandwiches, purchasing two cases of water and crossing my fingers that the one other parent who signed up to help won’t mind footing the bill for twelve pounds of grapes.
It’s ridiculous, really.
And, the lunch is only one example of this character flaw; I also fail to ask for help when planning events for my ASTRA club (This past weekend’s initiation ceremony, for example), when conducting business for my woman’s club (Fun Night ring any bells?) and, even when doing chores around the house.
I inevitably find myself fretting and stressing over how I'm going to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished and, before long, the fretting and worrying leads to a Migraine or, at the very least, to a chocolate binge.
It’s beyond ridiculous, actually.
I would seek treatment for this near-pathological fear of imposing on other people’s time, talent and/or finances, but, yeah....see above: title of this post.
Le sigh.
Organizing the thing should be easy-peasy except; I suck at asking people for help. I mean, I really suck at it. So, what should have been a relatively simple matter of making a few phone calls has turned into making forty-some sandwiches, purchasing two cases of water and crossing my fingers that the one other parent who signed up to help won’t mind footing the bill for twelve pounds of grapes.
It’s ridiculous, really.
And, the lunch is only one example of this character flaw; I also fail to ask for help when planning events for my ASTRA club (This past weekend’s initiation ceremony, for example), when conducting business for my woman’s club (Fun Night ring any bells?) and, even when doing chores around the house.
I inevitably find myself fretting and stressing over how I'm going to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished and, before long, the fretting and worrying leads to a Migraine or, at the very least, to a chocolate binge.
It’s beyond ridiculous, actually.
I would seek treatment for this near-pathological fear of imposing on other people’s time, talent and/or finances, but, yeah....see above: title of this post.
Le sigh.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Oh, Deer
It was a bloody good weekend at Casa de Chelle and, not just because the Man-Cub shot and killed his first doe, although, he did.
It was a clean kill and the kid could not have been more tickled. His dad was more than a bit proud as well and, while I'm not a huge fan of the venison; I do believe that learning to hunt is good for a boy. Or, for a girl, even. Someone's going to have to provide for the family in the event of Zombie Apocolypse, after all.
Just to be clear, though....
...still an animal lover.
And, speaking of one animal in particular; Hugh has taken to bringing Finnigan into bed with us. If I thought that sleeping with a tiny human was nerve-wracking (and I did. Co-sleeping was fraught with tension for me back in the day which was particularly depressing when one considers that the man-Cub refused to sleep unless he was cuddled on my chest, you know, for a year), then I should not have been surprised to learn that sleeping with a puff of fur is even worse; what if I roll over and squish the life out of him? How would I ever explain that to the children?
I haven't really been sleeping, is my point. Which, makes early mornings particularly brutal and; The Teenager's six A.M. date with the school bus on Saturday morning came far too early. I managed to rouse myself enough to get her to the school, of course, where she caught the bus to a town several hours away for a volleyball game that I had to miss because I had committed myself to installing another Lifeline.
Once the unit was installed, I decided to toss a coin between taking a nap, which might alleviate the bags I was carrying under my eyes, and cleaning out the garden, which was way overdue. Guilt won out over vanity and I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon pulling the last of the beets, beheading my sunflowers and picking the very last of the tomatoes from the plants before ripping them from the ground. Rowdie was, as one might expect, quite unhappy with that particular chore.
Once the garden was bare, I pulled the hummingbird feeders from the porch, washed them, and stored them away until next season. Next, I filled the bird feeders with seed as well as some of the sunflower seeds from the garden and hung them in the tree outside of our office window; soon I will be able to watch the birds swarm the feeders while working on the computer which is one of my favorite things to do during the dreary winter months.
Speaking of the tree outside the office window, last week it still looked like this...
Now, it looks like this...
It also snowed in the mountains around Petticoat Junction this weekend which is just one more nail in Autumn's coffin.
In happier news, I made it through the ASTRA initiation ceremony yesterday. Now, I can focus on organizing the team lunch for The Teenager's volleyball game this coming Saturday and on planning the team dinner next Monday and, once those things are behind me, I'll have nothing to do, why, I'll be positively bored.
Wait, did you just hear God laughing?
It was a clean kill and the kid could not have been more tickled. His dad was more than a bit proud as well and, while I'm not a huge fan of the venison; I do believe that learning to hunt is good for a boy. Or, for a girl, even. Someone's going to have to provide for the family in the event of Zombie Apocolypse, after all.
Just to be clear, though....
...still an animal lover.
And, speaking of one animal in particular; Hugh has taken to bringing Finnigan into bed with us. If I thought that sleeping with a tiny human was nerve-wracking (and I did. Co-sleeping was fraught with tension for me back in the day which was particularly depressing when one considers that the man-Cub refused to sleep unless he was cuddled on my chest, you know, for a year), then I should not have been surprised to learn that sleeping with a puff of fur is even worse; what if I roll over and squish the life out of him? How would I ever explain that to the children?
I haven't really been sleeping, is my point. Which, makes early mornings particularly brutal and; The Teenager's six A.M. date with the school bus on Saturday morning came far too early. I managed to rouse myself enough to get her to the school, of course, where she caught the bus to a town several hours away for a volleyball game that I had to miss because I had committed myself to installing another Lifeline.
Once the unit was installed, I decided to toss a coin between taking a nap, which might alleviate the bags I was carrying under my eyes, and cleaning out the garden, which was way overdue. Guilt won out over vanity and I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon pulling the last of the beets, beheading my sunflowers and picking the very last of the tomatoes from the plants before ripping them from the ground. Rowdie was, as one might expect, quite unhappy with that particular chore.
Once the garden was bare, I pulled the hummingbird feeders from the porch, washed them, and stored them away until next season. Next, I filled the bird feeders with seed as well as some of the sunflower seeds from the garden and hung them in the tree outside of our office window; soon I will be able to watch the birds swarm the feeders while working on the computer which is one of my favorite things to do during the dreary winter months.
Speaking of the tree outside the office window, last week it still looked like this...
Now, it looks like this...
It also snowed in the mountains around Petticoat Junction this weekend which is just one more nail in Autumn's coffin.
In happier news, I made it through the ASTRA initiation ceremony yesterday. Now, I can focus on organizing the team lunch for The Teenager's volleyball game this coming Saturday and on planning the team dinner next Monday and, once those things are behind me, I'll have nothing to do, why, I'll be positively bored.
Wait, did you just hear God laughing?
Friday, October 07, 2011
Gentle Giant
We introduced Finnigan to Rowdie last night. The introduction went better than one might expect when placing a kitten weighing less than one pound in the path of a one-hundred-and-five-pound Labrador with boundary issues.
Rowdie was as well-behaved as he knows how to be which is to say; he kept the slobbering to a minimum and was careful not to roll over on top of the kitten, squishing him into a ginger pancake.
For his part, Finnigan showed no fear of the ginormous dog and instead, seemed to view him in equal parts plaything/surrogate-parent; initially utilizing Rowdie's tail as a chew toy before cuddling up on it like a baby in its' mother's arms.
Rowdie was unfazed by either action; I think he's missed Gilligan every bit as much as the rest of us.
I imagine he'll let Finn put on some weight before they begin plotting to take over the house.
Rowdie was as well-behaved as he knows how to be which is to say; he kept the slobbering to a minimum and was careful not to roll over on top of the kitten, squishing him into a ginger pancake.
For his part, Finnigan showed no fear of the ginormous dog and instead, seemed to view him in equal parts plaything/surrogate-parent; initially utilizing Rowdie's tail as a chew toy before cuddling up on it like a baby in its' mother's arms.
Rowdie was unfazed by either action; I think he's missed Gilligan every bit as much as the rest of us.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
To Everything There is a Season
It's been almost nine months since we lost our sweet Gilligan.
Sometimes, in the kitchen, I see something out of the corner of my eye and my brain automatically tells my legs to move; to side-step the cat, sleeping on the rug in front of the stove. It takes my heart a split second to remind my brain that there is no sleeping kitty, only the space where that sweet ball of fur used to be.
We've all gotten better at entering the house without expecting to hear the gentle chime of the bell on Gilly's collar and, for the most part, we are able to talk about Gilly without choking up. For the most part.
But, that space, on the rug in front of the stove, it needs a warm kitty to sleep on it. We need to hear the chime of bells. We are a family that feels incomplete without the soft purr of a house cat.
You know where this is going, right?
Meet Finnigan, Finn for short.
We got him from some family friends yesterday. Today, it is pouring rain outside, the temperatures have dipped into the low fifties and I am making butternut squash soup from scratch, in my kitchen, with a kitten sleeping on the rug under the stove.
We will always miss our Gilligan but, today, our family feels a bit more whole, again and I think Gilly would approve.
Sometimes, in the kitchen, I see something out of the corner of my eye and my brain automatically tells my legs to move; to side-step the cat, sleeping on the rug in front of the stove. It takes my heart a split second to remind my brain that there is no sleeping kitty, only the space where that sweet ball of fur used to be.
We've all gotten better at entering the house without expecting to hear the gentle chime of the bell on Gilly's collar and, for the most part, we are able to talk about Gilly without choking up. For the most part.
But, that space, on the rug in front of the stove, it needs a warm kitty to sleep on it. We need to hear the chime of bells. We are a family that feels incomplete without the soft purr of a house cat.
You know where this is going, right?
Meet Finnigan, Finn for short.
We got him from some family friends yesterday. Today, it is pouring rain outside, the temperatures have dipped into the low fifties and I am making butternut squash soup from scratch, in my kitchen, with a kitten sleeping on the rug under the stove.
We will always miss our Gilligan but, today, our family feels a bit more whole, again and I think Gilly would approve.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Biting Off More Than I Can Chew
Sometimes I feel like Superwoman; like I can tackle any set of chores and finish them off without breaking a sweat. This is not one of those times.
I've got quite a bit on plate for this week and I am feeling fairly overwhelmed by it all. Today, for instance, I have to do the following:
-Fill out paperwork for the rental of the local Community Center for an upcoming ASTRA initiation ceremony.
-Attend my woman's club meeting where I need to plead for volunteers to provide sweet treats for that initiation ceremony.
-Purchase and print certificates for the initiation ceremony.
-Install a Lifeline in the home of a woman for whom it has become necessary.
-Attend The Teenager's volleyball game where I am scheduled to work in the Booster Booth, selling t-shirts. This should actually be fun since today's game is the annual Breast Cancer Awareness game at which our usual Pirate wear is supplemented with pink logo shirts, the proceeds of which go to support the fight against breast cancer.
-Somehow manage to sell pink boobie t-shirts while watching The Teenager play volleyball and selling tickets for a chance to hold the scissors when three of her teammates each surrender eight inches of hair to be made into wigs for cancer survivors.
-Connect with four other volleyball moms to plan the team lunch that we volunteered to provide for the girls during this weekend's away game.
And, that's just today.
The rest of the week will see me:
- Driving to Neighboring City to shop at Sam's Club for food for the above-mentioned team lunch and initiation (as well as for the team dinner that Hugh and I are hosting on the 17th).
- Attending the Man-Cub's final football game of the season.
-Meeting with representatives of Josten's to order The Teenager's class ring (Already!? Didn't I just take away her pacifier?)
-Signing the necessary paperwork for the Man-Cub to start basketball next week.
-Traveling two and a half hours away for volleyball and actually pulling off that team lunch (Saturday).
-Coordinating and hosting the initiation ceremony (Sunday).
None of which seems all that intimidating now that I have written it down.
Huh.
Maybe I can do this after all. Now, where did I put that cape....
I've got quite a bit on plate for this week and I am feeling fairly overwhelmed by it all. Today, for instance, I have to do the following:
-Fill out paperwork for the rental of the local Community Center for an upcoming ASTRA initiation ceremony.
-Attend my woman's club meeting where I need to plead for volunteers to provide sweet treats for that initiation ceremony.
-Purchase and print certificates for the initiation ceremony.
-Install a Lifeline in the home of a woman for whom it has become necessary.
-Attend The Teenager's volleyball game where I am scheduled to work in the Booster Booth, selling t-shirts. This should actually be fun since today's game is the annual Breast Cancer Awareness game at which our usual Pirate wear is supplemented with pink logo shirts, the proceeds of which go to support the fight against breast cancer.
-Somehow manage to sell pink boobie t-shirts while watching The Teenager play volleyball and selling tickets for a chance to hold the scissors when three of her teammates each surrender eight inches of hair to be made into wigs for cancer survivors.
-Connect with four other volleyball moms to plan the team lunch that we volunteered to provide for the girls during this weekend's away game.
And, that's just today.
The rest of the week will see me:
- Driving to Neighboring City to shop at Sam's Club for food for the above-mentioned team lunch and initiation (as well as for the team dinner that Hugh and I are hosting on the 17th).
- Attending the Man-Cub's final football game of the season.
-Meeting with representatives of Josten's to order The Teenager's class ring (Already!? Didn't I just take away her pacifier?)
-Signing the necessary paperwork for the Man-Cub to start basketball next week.
-Traveling two and a half hours away for volleyball and actually pulling off that team lunch (Saturday).
-Coordinating and hosting the initiation ceremony (Sunday).
None of which seems all that intimidating now that I have written it down.
Huh.
Maybe I can do this after all. Now, where did I put that cape....
Sunday, October 02, 2011
He's Really Going to Have to Avoid Pre-Marital Sex and Illegal Drugs
The Man-Cub's football season comes to an end this Thursday and, while it would be a stretch to say that it was a winning season, I can say that the Man-Cub has enjoyed some success. He had an especially good game on Saturday, catching a pass in the end zone for the team's first touchdown, making several critical tackles, making an interception and, in one of the most exciting moments of the game, recovering a fumble by the opposing team and running the ball from their 10 yard line all the way to our ten yard line.
It was a helluva run and would have resulted in the Cub's second touchdown of the day had it not been for him realizing that a rather large kid was closing in on him. This realization caused the child to stutter-step which led to him falling down.
And, while the run enabled his team to complete a pass play to to score, it did not bode well for the Cub's ability to outrun a serial killer in the event that he ever finds himself vacationing with his college buddies at an abandoned summer camp. I hope he takes the lesson to heart.
Speaking of which, this would be a good time for me to mention that I spent all day today decorating my house for Halloween. It wouldn't have taken all day had it not been for the horror show I discovered going on underneath my couch when I moved it to make room for some boxes; vacuuming under the couch led to a full house cleaning which led to reorganizing the Halloween boxes in the attic which led to window washing and rearranging of the furniture which rapidly ate away at the hours in my day.
On the bright side, my house looks awesome.
I was in the mood to decorate for the holiday because I spent yesterday driving over a scenic mountain pass and the colors were especially inspiring. I was driving over the mountain pass to attend The Teenager's volleyball game, a trip that I will repeat again next weekend, and, the one after that. And, the one after that. Obviously, if the house was going to get decked out for All Hallows Eve, it was going to have to be done today.
Oh, and The Teenager's teams won the games. And, The Teenager played marvelously which is sort of becoming a trend for her (knock on wood). This gives me renewed hope for at least half of my offspring being able to outrun a chainsaw-wielding serial killer without tripping over their own feet.
*Not pictured: The Man-Cub tripping over his own feet and falling down. The photographer was too busy laughing to push the shutter button.
What's this? A fumbled ball?
I got it!
I'm running'. That's right, I'm running!
Still running...*
It was a helluva run and would have resulted in the Cub's second touchdown of the day had it not been for him realizing that a rather large kid was closing in on him. This realization caused the child to stutter-step which led to him falling down.
And, while the run enabled his team to complete a pass play to to score, it did not bode well for the Cub's ability to outrun a serial killer in the event that he ever finds himself vacationing with his college buddies at an abandoned summer camp. I hope he takes the lesson to heart.
Speaking of which, this would be a good time for me to mention that I spent all day today decorating my house for Halloween. It wouldn't have taken all day had it not been for the horror show I discovered going on underneath my couch when I moved it to make room for some boxes; vacuuming under the couch led to a full house cleaning which led to reorganizing the Halloween boxes in the attic which led to window washing and rearranging of the furniture which rapidly ate away at the hours in my day.
On the bright side, my house looks awesome.
I was in the mood to decorate for the holiday because I spent yesterday driving over a scenic mountain pass and the colors were especially inspiring. I was driving over the mountain pass to attend The Teenager's volleyball game, a trip that I will repeat again next weekend, and, the one after that. And, the one after that. Obviously, if the house was going to get decked out for All Hallows Eve, it was going to have to be done today.
Oh, and The Teenager's teams won the games. And, The Teenager played marvelously which is sort of becoming a trend for her (knock on wood). This gives me renewed hope for at least half of my offspring being able to outrun a chainsaw-wielding serial killer without tripping over their own feet.
*Not pictured: The Man-Cub tripping over his own feet and falling down. The photographer was too busy laughing to push the shutter button.
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