Thursday, October 13, 2011

Still Not Gettin' Jiggy With It

Yesterday, in yet another vain attempt to break out of my usual exercise routine, I popped an old DVD  into the player. I hadn't used that particular DVD recently and, it didn't take long to remember why I hadn't used it. The DVD is Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease and It. Is. BAD. Or, I'm bad at it, either way. The good news is, I'm not any more bad at it than I was the last time I attempted it which was back in 2008, when I wrote the following description of the "workout"..

The video starts with Carmen and two prostitutes…I mean…dancers…dressed in terry cloth shorts and short-sleeved zippered hoodies, circa 1979. If you are picturing Crissy Snow from Three’s Company, there you have it. Anyhoo, Carmen, Crissy and Janet start us off with a nice, albeit smutty, warm-up and we’re off!

The head rolls with accompanying hair toss, I got down pat. Rocking the hips side to side took a bit more practice. Aggressively gyrating the hips while simultaneously thrusting the chest forward and sucking the index finger on the right hand while maintaining an alluring facial expression? I sucked at, exponentially. In fact, random onlookers would have easily mistaken me for a seizing epileptic rather than for an alluring, sexy, albeit, smutty, stripper.

Needless to say; the DVD has been officially retired to the Drawer of Shame. And, once again, I can assure you thatI will never be fit for an occupation that requires stilettos, a pole, and pasties complete with tassels. And, if you have ever seen me naked; you just breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Also, it’s probably time to renew my gym membership.

In other news, school is still going well. The Teenager is having some minor difficulty with one of her teachers; a man who seems to think that verbal abuse will roll off the child's back like water off a duck. Parent/Teacher conferences are next week; I'll see how well parental criticism rolls off his back and I'll let you know.

While the Man-Cub has yet to produce a single shred of homework, he did manage straight A's and B's on his midterm reports which leads me to assume that he is: a) so phenomenally advanced that he finished every assignment at school or b) has used his charming personality to cajole his teachers into grading on a unique curve. Conferences should settle that debate, as well.

And, now, I am off to walk/run around the park because I need the exercise and because sweats and a grungy old t-shirt are perfectly acceptable attire for the deed; no tittie-tassels required.

You're welcome, neighbor!

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