Thursday, November 09, 2006

What Is It About Bad Boys?

Last night’s episode of Lost certainly was yummy. If you like hot dirty sex in a cage which, I do. Or, at least I would if it was hot dirty sex in a cage with Sawyer. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure it would just be really uncomfortable and, well, dirty. In a not good way.

Hey, just because I married a cop doesn’t mean I can’t fantasize about the bad boys.

In news unrelated to my Holloway lust, the Girl has reached that stage of puberty dreaded by mothers the world over: Period Angst.

It seems that two of her classmates have recently welcomed Aunt Flo to the family fold and the Girl is beside herself with fear that she will be Next. Although she knows all about the mechanics of the menstrual cycle, she is understandably paranoid about the possibility of it happening at school since, as she tearily informed me last night “It could happen anywhere! At any moment!”

Like an alien invasion which, come to think of it, is really not such a bad parallel when you think about it.
Now, I don't actually anticipate this happening for the Girl for at least another year or so. After all, she is only ten and three quarters years old and I was twleve when it happened to me for the first time. Obviously, I have a whole year and a quarter left before I have to worry about this stuff for real. Right? (Won't you please excuse me for a moment while I breath into this paper bag while rocking back and forth in this corner)?

To make her feel better however, we discussed the topic at great length and together devised a priority-coded set of strategies designed to fit any possible scenario regarding the initial onset of the child’s lunar cycle including:

Def-Con One: PERIOD STARTS AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE (Explain situation to friend’s mother, call mother, and celebrate over chocolate bon-bons with friends! Mazal tov! You're a woman!).
Def-Con Two: PERIOD STARTS AT THE POOL (Excuse self to the locker room, call mother, execute safety word (hotdog) for immediate extraction).
Def-Con Three: PERIOD STARTS ON A FIELD TRIP (Explain situation to nearest female chaperone, call mother, safety word, extraction).
Def-Con Four: PERIOD STARTS AT SCHOOL (Excuse self to nurse’s office, call mother, safety word, immediate extraction followed by girls day at the spa).

And, lastly,

Def-Con Five: YOUR PERIOD STARTS AT HOME WHEN YOUR MOTHER IS OUT OF TOWN AND YOUR FATHER IS IN CHARGE (Explain entire situation to father using as graphic language as possible, watch father’s head explode, clean up blood and gore before mother gets home, throw a party celebrating both your initiation into womanhood and your status as an unchaperoned minor).

I think she feels better. To be on the safe side, however, I visited and downloaded some articles for her to read pertaining to the situation. We are as prepared as can be expected for her first cruise on the crimson tide even though it won't occur for another one and one quarter years.

And, now we will put a period at the end of this conversation and return to our original programming…..

Sawyer. Shirtless.

Is it hot in here?


  1. I have GOT to de-lurk for this one. You do realize now that we all have to know the precise moment your daughter enters womanhood, which defcon level was declared and if your husbands head is still intact after the blessed event.

    Personally, I find myself on the other end of this cycle. I'm praying daily for my wife's menopause to finally kick into full gear. Please!!

  2. Morgan is 10, and she's the opposite. She has friends that have gotten it, and she wants to know when she will! Poor girl, she's a runner and an athelete like me, so she's bound to get it LATE! I got it once in 8th grade, and then not again until I was 17!

  3. Maybe I'm glad I don't have girls. I'm just dreading the "why is Peyton washing his sheets first thing in the morning?"