Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Twelve:
Thirteen Tips for Staying Motivated to Exercise and Eat Well

1. Buy a super-cute, moderately expensive pair of designer jeans in a size or two smaller than you currently wear. Hang said jeans in a prominent location and stare at them for an hour each day. Visualize yourself struggling into the jeans, wrestling with the buttons and splitting the center seam right down the backside. That donut you have been eyeballing will seem far less attractive.

2. Stand in front of a full-length mirror. Rotate 90 degrees to the left. Slap your ass with your right hand while craning your head over your right shoulder, witness the tidal wave of fat that ripples across the wide expanse of your thighs. Shudder appropriately.

3. Review old pictures of you during your Glory Days. The weeping that follows should prevent you from eating the chocolate chip cookies that your daughter just brought home from the Volleyball Team bake sale. You know, most likely.

4. If not, repeat # 2 on this list.

5. Attempt to run a mile uphill at the local park. The burning sensation this leaves in your lungs should adequately replace the craving that you have for spicy Mexican burritos smothered in green chili and dripping in full-fat cheese.

6. Enlist a friend to talk you down from the ledge during really bad cravings. Pick a friend who won’t cave to the cravings that you are describing and, at your weakest moment, grab a 3 Muskateers bar to eat right in front of you while encouraging you to stay true to your promise of…no more 3 Muskateers bars.

7. If you accidentally enlist a friend who does indulge in the 3 Muskateers bar in front of you, feel free to throttle her and to hide her body in a shallow grave; digging burns calories.

8. Spend a half hour a day in close proximity to an annoying person; trying to avoid his or her presence equals extra steps on the ol’ pedometer.

9. Throwing heavy objects at your spouse during an argument counts as a weight-lifting exercise.

10. Running from your spouse after hitting him in the head with a heavy object counts toward your daily cardio goals.

11. Make-up sex burns 120 calories per hour.

12. Cleaning up broken objects burns more than 120 calories per hour.

13. If all else fails, repeat #2 on this list.

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  1. these are hilarious! Good tips, I might need to try some!

  2. Oh, those are harsh. Especially #2. Ouch.

  3. These are too mean! I don't think I could recover from watching my thigh fat ripple... Although, I have been known to pinch fat from my thighs obsessively, while raging, "What is THIS? How are there HANDFULLS?"

  4. Anonymous1:05 PM

    Actually, I'm quite capable of eying the pants while eating the doughnut. I've done it.

  5. Ha! The mirror look works, but I like the cute jeans idea too. Thanks.