Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Everyone Should Start the New Year Off With a Liberal Application of Liquid Nitrogen

Yesterday, I went to the dermatologist to have a suspicious new mole inspected but, as it turned out, the suspicious mole wasn't a mole at all; it was a Seborrheic Keratoses which sounds like a fatal condition but is really just some weird growth that my body decided to produce in an effort to make me worry about the possibility of skin cancer. Thanks, body!

The treatment for a Seborrheic Keratoses is removal by freezing which meant that I got to pay $188 for the good doctor to aim a canister of liquid nitrogen at my ribcage for twenty seconds. Now, I just have to wait for the thing to succumb to frostbite, turn black and fall off. My body is a science experiment!

When I asked the good doctor what caused the growth and if I should expect a recurrence, she assured me not to worry; they generally appear in middle age, are harmless and, as I had just experienced; can be easily removed  (for $188).

I left the clinic in a daze and it took me several minutes to wrap my head around everything the doctor had told me, mostly because I was processing the part where a medical professional now considers me MIDDLE AGED.

Nothing like a shot of liquid nitrogen right to the heart, doctor!


  1. Yeah, I think my ob may actually be younger than me, or at least damn close to my age. We're not supposed to be OLDER than our doctors!

  2. Anonymous9:34 AM

    Two things to cheer you up:

    A - you're younger than me and I refuse to believe I'm middle aged. If I can be in denial, so can you!

    B - that whole nitrogen freezy thing? You can do yourself with a can of compressed air. If you turn those things upside down and press the "go" nozzle, they squirt out some sorta icy crap that might just freeze a mole. If I can fond one in an accessible, non-visible area I'll try it out for you. Waaaaaayyyy cheaper than $188!!