Monday, June 27, 2011

Ryan Reynolds and I Have Something in Common

We can both fly.

Granted, he wears a green catsuit and his ass is so tight that you could bounce a quarter off it while I wear a bikini that I am constantly worried about actually bouncing out of. Plus, he consistently makes beautiful landings while I land in the fetal position but, you know, those are just details.

And I'll get to that later.

So, obviously, Hugh and I took the kids to see Green Lantern Friday night and, since I wasn't expecting much in the way of Oscar-worthy performances or anything of that nature; I wasn't disapointed in the movie at all. Also, since I was expecting the whole tight-suit-quarter-bouncing-ass-thing; I totally felt like I got my money's worth.

That's right, turn around so the nice people can see your ass...

Cut to Saturday morning, when Hugh, the kids and I headed to the lake for our first day on the boat since last summer. It was a beautiful day, the lake was clear, the sun was shining, I had less to fear of falling out of my bikini thanks to my recent attempts to whip my ass back into shape, it was, in short; a perfect day.

The first few hours went off without a hitch; the Man-Cub wake-boarded, The Teenager and one of her friends basked in the sunshine, Hugh fiddled with the new fish finder that I bought him for Christmas and I read the first book of The Hunger Game series while stretched out under the shade of the bimini.




A while later, Hugh pulled out the new tube that he bought himself for Father's Day, blew it up and all three kids jumped on board for a trip-or ten- around the lake. I was in charge of the flag that signals when a rider has fallen off the tube and poses a threat to other boaters (as in, if you run over a poor defenseless swimmer with your boat, you are in imminent danger of a massive lawsuit, plus; using swimmers as speed bumps is highly discouraged by Lake Etiquette).

I was doing my job from the comfort of the bench-seat across from the captains chair, stretched out with my legs in front of me, camera on my lap, flag in hand when, the next thing I know; I was airborne.

Because I can fly like Ryan Reynolds.

Then, I was smashing up against the metal stand of the captain's chair, with the left side of my face, my left shoulder and my left thigh taking the brunt of the impact since, as I mentioned earlier; my choice of landing positions is the fetal position.

I'm still not entirely clear on how I became air born in the first place. A large rogue wave from a passing boat had caused our boat to tip aggressively to the side and, I wasn't exactly holding on (see above: stretched out on the bench seat) but; I'm usually pretty sound as far as my balance on the boat goes so, the reason for my accident remains a mystery.

The resulting bruises are readily apparent, however.

Last year, I fell on the boat dock and spent the next few weeks recovering from bruises and it looks like this year will be no different.

Which begs the question; is it time to invest in some training from a real Hollywood stunts expert, someone who could teach me to take a fall without completely damaging my left side?

And, if so, is Ryan Reynold's guy is available for consulting? No? Well, what about his trainer? Because, if I'm going to be so damn accident-prone, having an ass you could bounce a quarter off of would be a nice consolation prize.

Hi kids! Don't mind me; I'm just going to launch myself across the boat and slam my face into dad's chair! Bruises are fun!

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