Thirteen Things, Edition Six:
Thirteen Things I Learned at My Grandmother’s House
1. The best smell in the world is bread, fresh from the oven and nothing tastes quite as good as that first slice, slathered with sweet butter.
2. That, standing slack jawed in terror while your sister is being mauled by the neighbor’s dog is not the most effective way to deal with the problem. Opening the gate to let her in the yard; much better.
3. How to say the Rosary.
4. How to embroider pillowcases.
5. How to be a gracious loser. Because, the fact that you are a kid doesn’t necessarily mean that adults will automatically throw the game of Aggravation; sometimes, they will knock your marble right off the board and cackle with glee while doing so.
6. Vegetable gardens are hard work but, fresh peas eaten right out of the pod are worth the effort.
7. Easy-Off Oven Cleaner is not an effective mosquito repellant. It will, however, peel the skin right off your legs, if you are interested in doing so.
8. How to roll a cigarette and how to tamp the tobacco down in a pipe.
9. There is no need to panic when your older sister locks you in the tool shed to get even with you for not opening the damn gate while the neighbor’s dog was gnawing a hunk out of her ass, your grandmother will eventually come looking for you.
10. Grandmothers will never criticize your mud pies.
11. Eating pancakes before going to school makes the day seem brighter.
12. How to can every vegetable known to man as well as how to make jam from every available fruit.
13. I was not adopted from gypsies, despite what my older sister told me.
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