Thursday, September 06, 2007

This Too, Shall Pass

Dear Girl,
Contrary to what you and your girlfriends obviously think; you did not introduce a new trend in fashion when you decided to pair tights with a miniskirt. Your mother is right; the world has Madonna to thank for that particular innovation.
Sincerely yours,

Dear Girl,
Can I give you a piece of advice? For every time you roll your eyes at your mother, snort dismissively at her (quite good) suggestions, stomp up the stairs after being asked to do something, say “gah!” when you are corrected, mutter obscenities under your breath (yes, we can hear you), and generally behave like a Neanderthal cave-child; you will be visited ten-fold by your own children.
Love, Karma
P.S. I’ll see you in twenty-five years or so.

To the Parents of The Girl,
Thank you for allowing your daughter to compete in our recent (and, ongoing) competition. Her scores were amazing as indicated by her ranking in the following events:
Foot Stomping, a perfect 10! This is no small feat given the five-point degree of difficulty for this particular event. First Place!
Door Slamming, another perfect 10!
Eye Rolling, a 9.5. The panel agreed that The Girl could do better on this particular event; perhaps she was having an off day? We have no doubt that she will live up to her true potential at the next opportunity to compete.
Wailing “It’s not fair!”, the panel also agrees that it is a shame that a perfect 10 is the highest score attainable in this particular category as we feel The Girl far exceeds even that high standard but, anyway; perfect 10.
Free-Form Competition, The Girl combined Foot Stomping, Door Slamming, Eye Rolling and Wailing “It’s not Fair!” for a truly momentous performance for which she was awarded the Over-all Gold Medal.
You must be so very proud.
Omi Gawd,
Brat Olympic Committee

Dear Hugh and Chelle,
It is with great regret that I inform you that the Council of Cardinals has refused our request for an officially church-sanctioned exorcism of The Girl. Perhaps, if you just spray some holy water her way and say a few Hail Mary’s; all will be resolved.
Hopefully yours,
Father X

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hugh,
We regret to inform you that your recent application for admittance of your daughter to our fine institution has been denied. We here at the academy take a hard line on discipline and have noted failure after failure in the conditioning of pre-adolescent girls, thus our policy of non-admittance. Our exemplary record cannot be jeopardized by making an exception in your case.
Kicksass Military Academy

My Friends,
I sympathize with your dilemma for I; too, have encountered such rebellion amongst my people. Make no mistake; you must crush this rebellion before it gets out of hand. My suggestion to you would be that you withhold basic essentials until such time as you break the spirit of the rebel in question. My friends, I could wax poetic about the issue for hours but, I have a date with my wife; we are meeting at a shoe store.
Yours in Dictatorship,

My Children,
Your prayers have been noted and shall be answered in due time. In the meanwhile, please remember that I give you no more than you can handle, that I carry you through the worst times and that strict adherence to Commandment number six (Thou Shall Not Kill) is vital no matter how badly you want to snap that child in half.
Your heavenly father,

I'm telling you; it's a damn good thing we love her so much.


  1. That was hysterical. Sounds like you have someone who has hit the preteens in a big way!!! Best of luck!

  2. Great, so it doesn't get any better.

  3. I'll probably get those same letters any day now. What's funny is that my 13 yr old is not and has never been like that but the 9 year old certainly makes up for it. I'm counting the days until she turns 18.

  4. I loved this SO! MUCH!

    My favorite letters were the ones from 1985, Karma, and Omi Gawd.

    And to 1985: Man, you never write! Remember the stacked slouch socks? The enormous hoop earrings? The barrettes shaped like huge fabric bows. Good times.

  5. Dear Chelle -

    You're scaring me! My two girls (6 and almost 2) give me glimpses of this behaviour already. I'm not ready for this.


    Practicing my Grimace

  6. Me again, trying to log in to blogger

  7. Stopping over from Swistle's link. Hilarious!

  8. i think our daughters were separated at birth...