Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Garden Grow?

Not worth a shit, thanks for asking.

Seriously, this gardening thing is going to be the death of me. All I wanted was a nice kitchen plot from which I could harvest the vegetables that my family likes best. I have watered, fertilized, weeded, talked nicely to and babied these stupid f#&*%#$ing plants for three weeks, now; do you think I see any sort of results for my efforts? I do not.

Of the approximately one hundred peas I planted, two have managed to sprout. Two.

The green bean growth is likewise retarded as is the growth of the carrot seeds I lovingly sowed into the ground, with my bare hands.

Gah.

As it appears, I can’t even depend on plants from the nursery; I’ve lost two of the bell pepper plants, a Brussels sprout plant (and the Man-Cub goes wild!) and a cabbage plant and, ok, maybe I’m not the world’s biggest fan of brussel sprouts and cabbage but they are healthy and I’m thinking of the children.

Clearly, something needs to be done to salvage my efforts; I have no idea what but, something.

I do not want to have to buy all our vegetables at the grocery store this summer so, it’s either find a way to convince these bastard plants to grow or give up a healthy diet in favor of Little Debbie snack cakes and chocolate-chip-ice-cream-cookies.

As an aside, how awesome would a garden of Little Debbies and ice cream sandwiches be?

Pretty. Damn. Awesome.