Monday, May 11, 2009

Apparently My Biceps Weren’t the Only Muscles I Needed to Work On

Hey, you know how I sometimes threaten to have my uterus removed if it doesn’t stop with all the monthly cramping? Yeah…well…turns out my uterus decided to save me the trouble and to just go ahead and fall out except, not really out, just down and, only enough to freak the holy shit out of me and to send me scurrying to the lady doctor.

Turns out I am in the very earliest stages of pelvic prolapse which essentially means that I have a very weak pelvic floor and, if I don’t watch it; all hell will break loose and the lady parts will eventually bungee jump right out of my hoo-ha like gruesome little paratroupers.

Only, less amusing.

The diagnosis wasn’t exactly a surprise; after a particularly freakish episode on Saturday, I rang up good old Dr. Google and he pretty much told me what I needed to know-but, all faith in Dr. G aside, I do like to leave these things to actual real-life professionals and, my lady parts doctor is the most professional woman I know.

So, I saw her this afternoon and, after a thorough (I’m not even going to get in to how thorough) examination, she prescribed a course of exercises ( Kegles! As a Career!) and also suggested that I refrain from heavy lifting, completely dashing my hopes of Olympic stardom in the power-lifting competition. Unless, of course, I lift with my vagina- after all, my pelvic floor muscles should be pretty damn strong after all those Kegles (the dream! It lives!).

All joking aside; I'm cool. According to both my doctor and Dr. Google, this happens to a lot of women as they get older.

And here I was, worried about dentures and varicose veins, Universe, you are hilarious.

If, for the sake of research you happen to Google images of uterine prolapse and, I’m warning you right now not to (for the love of God!), please bear in mind that I have a super-mild case of the disorder and my nether-regions in no way, shape, or form resemble any of the horrors to which you are about to subject yourself.

5 comments:

tamara said...

Does the curse upon all women ever stop? Is bearing children and monthly hemorhaging not ENOUGH? I am doing kegels as we speak and will continue for the following ten years without ceasing... my prayers are with you, dear friend.

Mercy's Maid said...

Oh.My.Gosh.

I am starting my kegels yesterday to try to prevent such horrors in the future.

Jen said...

It's hell getting old(er). Just be careful when you sneeze, so you know, you don't look down and see an ovary or something. ;)
And I agree with Tamara--why does this hit us? Don't men get any kind of medical crap? Bleh.

Finlands finest said...

I actually was told by my gyno that I will never have this problem, evidently I have strong muscles down there. I have never had children so I think that was a slightly premature statement, but I hope if I start with the kegles early, I will be ok. Hope you can keep your uterus for years to come. (Note: I found that a really odd thing to say, but true.)

Erika said...

Oh dear, if I sneeze, I have some escapage, much less all the freakin jumping jacks Jullian subjects us to! I need to start my kegels as well. Hope you can keep things where they belong!