Thursday Thirteen, Edition Seven:
Thirteen “She Said What?” Moments.
And, yes, I’ve said them all.
1. “Well, it’s not the first time I’ve peed in a strange place in the dark.” (Said while in the company of a rather conservative woman from my Service Club upon entering a dark public restroom.)
2. “And it probably won’t be the last, ha, ha!” (for the record, she did not share in my laughter)
3. “Those aren’t melons, these are melons.” (Said to The Teenager in the supermarket, she was referring to honeydew; I was referring to my breasts. She was mortified; my work there was done)
4. “Now I understand why Seattle is the suicide capital of the US.” (said while experiencing particularly gloomy weather on a daily basis earlier this summer and, unfortunately; in the company of a woman who hails from….Seattle)
5. “How many times do I have to tell you not to stick your finger into strange holes?” (said to the Man-Cub on occasions too numerous to mention)
6. “I would but, I forgot my tittie tassels.” (Said to another woman in my Service Club when she suggested that I dance on the table in appreciation of one of our more colorful guest speakers. She found it quite humorous, many of the other ladies at the table…did not)
7. “Are you serious? Do I look like I’m five?” (said to the ancient ticket-taker at the theater last weekend when, upon entering the theater, he asked me to remove my gum from my mouth lest I surrender to the overwhelming urge to stick it under my seat during the movie)
8. “I thought about leaving her for dead but, we sort of need the tax deduction.” (In reference to The Teenager after a frantic call, pleading with me to rescue her from the nearby park because she had a blister on her heel and the three-block walk home would most certainly kill her. She walked. She lived. The tax deduction is secure)
9. “What were you, raised in a barn?” (said to Hugh, while in the company of his mother who assured me, in no uncertain terms, that he was not raised in a barn although; she did once consider leaving him at a stranger’s farm)
10. “I’m dumping you? You never say “I’m dumping you”! You say, “It’s not you, it’s me…” (said to the Man-Cub while boarding the bus for a field trip seconds after he “broke up” with his little “girlfriend”. Yes, he’s ten)
11. “True Blood is like porn for the masses. I like porn”. (Said while in the company of my mother-in-law just seconds before the earth opened up and swallowed me whole. What? The earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole? Oh, right; wishful thinking)
12. “If you rub him just right, the stiffness goes away and he won’t walk funny, anymore” (cell phone conversation with The Teenager while standing in line at the grocery check-out. We were discussing Rowdie’s damaged leg but the woman in front of me thought otherwise; some people have such dirty minds)
13. “If you make that farting noise one more time, I’m going to staple your mouth shut and we will have to feed you through a tube in your bellybutton”. (Said to the Man-Cub in the supermarket, in front of numerous witnesses. Child Protective Services were not contacted; the noise bothered the witnesses as much as it bothered me)
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