Tuesday, June 30, 2009

In which I Totally Insult the Domicile Challenged

A few weeks ago, Hugh signed us up for an online postage account wherein we will print our own postage labels, saving money and unnecessary time in line at the post office. In addition, he ordered a large quantity of priority mail boxes to have on hand at the store.

The shipment of cardboard boxes was supposed to be delivered to the store but, for whatever reason, was delivered to the post office, instead so, yesterday, when I walked to the post office to pick up our mail; I was greeted with the Yellow Slip of Doom-a notice that a package too large for our box was waiting at the front counter.

No big deal, right? Right except, as I mentioned, I was without a vehicle and, the packages of boxes, while not being extremely heavy, were both large and bulky. When I mentioned that I was on foot, the Post Master graciously offered me the use of a cart, provided I return it the same day.

I accepted the offer which is how I came to be pushing a shopping cart full of cardboard down Main Street in Petticoat Junction yesterday.

I looked just like a homeless bag lady. That is, if the bag ladies in your neighborhood carry a (faux)Burberry Bag, wear Seven for All Mankind capris and sport a mouthful of thier own teeth.

And are sober.

The cart was actually really nice-lined with heavy canvas and featuring four wheels that actually rolled together in perfect synchronization-unlike the majority of carts I generally utilize in the supermarket. So, the knowledge that I was steering the Cadillac of homeless carts made me feel better about the whole looking–like-a-homeless-person-pushing-her-cart-down-Main-Street-while-people-pointed-thing.

And, they did. They pointed. There may have been laughter. What is the matter with people?

Anyway, at one point in my journey, I came to a steep hill-the same hill the Town Activity Department uses for the annual Downhill Derby and, I would be lying if I said that it never even crossed my mind to get in the cart and sail down that hill. I thought better of it, however, due to the fact that the cart lacked both a braking system and any type of steering apparatus and, you know, I was sober.

It would have been fun, though, and, if the whole town is going to gossip about my new ride anyway; I should have at least gotten some fun out of it.

Next time.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Bradley Cooper is My New Fantasy Boyfriend or: How I Spent the Entire Weekend in a Movie Theater

Hugh, the kids and I set a personal family record for the Most Trips to the Movies this weekend with three film viewings under our belt. We didn’t set out to tackle the feat, it just sort of happened that way.

Friday evening, following a visit to my favorite masseuse (Lord, was I tied up in all sorts of knots-it took her the better part of our 90 minute session just to get my back and shoulders loosened up), Hugh, the kids and I decided to brave the crowds for Transformers II. And, by brave the crowd, I mean we braved the idiot parents who think it's a good idea to drag their infants and/or toddlers to a PG-13 movie, the Loud Talkers who inevitably wind up sitting right behind me, the Mouth Breathers who will find me in the most crowded of theaters and the Spanish-speaking families who designate one member as Official Movie Translator and then depend on him to coach them through the entire film. LOUDLY.

Yep, met them all Friday night.

And, you know, while I found them all annoying, special mention goes to those parents of infants and toddlers who, after dragging said babies to a movie certain to contain violent fight scenes, car chases, and, you know, really LOUD sound effects, have the audacity to look offended when the theater manager asks them to remove their screaming offspring from the theater because, The noise! It scared little Billy, of course he’s going to cry.

Honestly? I have two words for you: Drive-In.

Anyhoodle, despite the less-than-courteous company, the movie was very entertaining. It won’t win any awards for cinematic excellence but, I rarely go the theater to see those movies, anyway.

Which is a statement supported by the fact that, on Saturday night; Hugh and I went back to the theater to see The Hangover and, after enjoying it so much (Bradley Cooper, yummm-ay); decided to stick around for the nine o’clock showing of The Proposal.

What can I say? The Teenager was watching the Man-Cub and, we hadn’t been to the movies alone together in quite some time (if we couldn’t find a babysitter, we didn’t go to the movies when the children were small see above: Idiots, paragraphs Two and Four of this document) so; we indulged ourselves.

And, speaking of indulgences, despite my best efforts to resist the siren call of movie popcorn and candy, they comprised a large portion of my diet this weekend. On the other hand, due to the combination of boxing, running and the onslaught of summer heat, I did lose four pounds last week so; a few Milk Duds here and there shouldn’t completely derail my efforts at attaining The Skinny.

Unless, of course, I make three-movie marathon weekends a more frequent part of our summer itinerary and, if there are any more movies out there staring Bradley Cooper, that just might have to happen.

I doubt it but; a girl can dream.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition Six:

Thirteen Reasons Why I Am Smarter Than Most Girls in Horror Movies

1. When I rent a secluded cabin next to a lake with a bunch of my friends, I know better than to get drunk and sex it up with my boyfriend while everyone else gathers wood, toasts marshmallows, unpacks the kayaks or whatever the hell else one does at a secluded cabin next to a lake.

2. I don’t smoke weed. Or, crack. Or, whatever it is that you kids are doing these days.

3. I am a white female. Everyone knows that the skinny white prude is always the last one standing.

4. I know better than to assume that the guy standing in the doorway wearing a mask and holding a bloody knife is really just my boyfriend trying to be cute.

5. I know that time spent screaming would be better spent running.

6. Also, when running, it is unwise to look over one’s shoulder to see if the knife-wielding homicidal lunatic is still chasing one. In this case, it is safe to assume that he is.

7. When I run to the neighboring cabin seeking help and, I find the door ajar and the lights off, I know better than to go inside.

8. I am also aware that hiding in an enclosed space is just plain stupid. Because, if I turn around, I will find the dead body of one of my friends, causing me to scream thus alerting the super-human homicidal maniac to my whereabouts.

9. As opposed to most women in horror films, I have the ability to run without tripping over my own feet. It's a gift.

10. I know that one bullet, blow to the head, knife gash to the carotid artery, etc. is not enough to kill a super-human homicidal maniac. Therefore, I would never drop the gun, baseball bat or knife, and drop to my knees while crying in relief.

11. I would also not be stupid enough to lean over the “dead” super-human homicidal manic to make sure he is dead. He is never dead; hello, super-human!

12. I look in the back seat prior to getting in a car even when super-human homicidal maniacs aren’t chasing me with a bloody knife or a whizzing chainsaw.

13. Most importantly, I can get the key in the ignition on the first try.

Can you tell Hugh and I have been watching a lot of horror movies recently? Yes; I blame Netflix. On the other hand, in the unlikely event that I am ever stranded at a secluded cabin in the woods with a super-human homicidal maniac and I live to tell the tale, I will totally have Netflix to thank.

And, you know, Jamie Lee Curtis.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Yeah, Well, I Bet It Wouldn’t Be So Easy If He Were a Teenage Girl

Last week, I gave The Teenager permission to spend the night at Kaz’s house without considering the fact that it was Thursday and that I had boxing class. Usually, when I go to boxing, The Teenager watches the Man-Cub so, with her away; I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with the kid.

Class starts at 4:30, Hugh works until 6:00 and, dropping the kid off at the store and ordering him to “sweep something” before roaring off in a cloud of dust for class didn’t seem like a very nice thing to do (and, you know, I didn’t think of it at the time) so; I decided to take him to the rec. center where he could swim in the pool while I beat the tar out of Rubber Bob.

The Cub was stoked, he loves the water. I was a little hesitant to leave him alone in the pool, not because I worry about him drowning (he’s due to sprout gills any day now) but, because I felt guilty about him being alone, without company, without a playmate. When I voiced my concern to him he looked at me like I should be boarding the short bus anytime now and said; “So, I’ll make a new friend. It’s just that simple.”

Like, duh, Mom.

And, sure enough, an hour and a half later, when I had my fill of pounding Bob's rubber face, I found the Cub in the deep end of the pool, surrounded by a group of kids, playing Keep Away with a beach ball and ordering them around as though they were his personal minions.

I’m pretty sure he has a future in politics. It's just that simple.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Well, Look Who Finally Decided to Show Up

Summer! It’s so nice to see you!

The past week has been lovely; the weather is finally getting with the program with two-count ‘em, two-sunny days in a row. I actually got a little bit of a tan line while I was working in the garden this weekend and I was rewarded for my gardening efforts with a crop of spinach and enough radishes to make a decent salad.

Feel free to break into a rousing version of Farmer in the Dell. Really. Go ahead, I'll wait...

I would say that it is finally becoming a typical summer but, I don’t want to jinx it so, I’ll just say; it sure has been a nice change of pace from the crappy and depressing weather we had been having, lately.

In case I hadn’t mentioned it before; we had Porch Night last week and, while it got a bit breezy and cool toward the end of the evening, the night was relaxing and fun. The kids had a huge water balloon fight in the yard while the adults enjoyed grown-up conversation without fifty million interruptions to answer questions from little people, to wipe noses or to referee fights (we just let them duke it out without interference) which was quite a pleasant change of pace.

Then, Friday night marked the end of the baseball season with a game that had the crowd on the edge of its seat right up until the last inning. Our boys were playing at more of a disadvantage than usual-the usual being the fact that they are all anywhere from one to two years younger than their competition- because they played with only eight players, four of their teammates being away on family trips.

The opposing team was one that we had played-and been ruthlessly spanked by-twice before, a fact that may, or may not, have lulled them into a false sense of security, giving us a slight edge. Either way, our boys played the best we have seen all season which, with all the improvement that we have witnessed, is saying quite a bit.

The Man-Cub hit really well and, as a reward for his efforts, took an errant pitch right in the elbow, resulting in a nasty bruise as well as a spirited discussion among the team mothers as to whose kid had been beaned the most this season (um, I win!?).

As I said, the game came right down to the wire and I am pleased to say that our boys won 11-14. There was much celebrating and Cracker Jacks all around and, now; we can happily hang up the cleats for another year.

Next up: football! But, I’ll think about that tomorrow…

The rest of the weekend was spent working in the garden, reading books on the porch, supervising the children as The Teenager did her absolute best to teach her younger brother how to skate on her old rollerblades, trying to look the other way as Hugh and the Man-Cub stayed up to the wee hours of the morning playing poker, grilling steaks and veggies (from my garden! Sing it-the farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell, hi ho the merry-oh, the farmer in the dell) on the barbie in celebration of Father's Day and, a long soak in the tub for myself.

It was truly the first weekend since the kids got out of school that actually felt like summer.

Hopefully, it won’t be the last.

P.S. If you now have The Farmer in the Dell stuck in your head, I am sorry. I think it's hilarious but, yeah, I'm sorry.

Friday, June 19, 2009


Damn thing just quit working like, WTF, coffeepot?! Haven’t I been good to you? Haven’t I lovingly and tenderly cleaned you? Admired your shiny stainless steel exterior? Whispered sweet nothings to you when we were all alone in the kitchen at the ass-crack of each new dawn? How could you betray me this way? How am I supposed to get through Pilates without the sweet, sweet hum of caffeine thrumming through my veins?

Why, coffeepot, why? Why has thoust forsaken me?

In retaliation, I’m going to leave you on the counter when I bring home the new coffeepot later this afternoon. I’m going to let you see the awesome new appliance that will be replacing you then; I’m going to cannibalize you for parts-your carafe is still in working order after all-and, when you have been gutted; I am throwing your ass in the trashcan.

That is what happens when momma don’t get her morning coffee, coffeepot; that is what happens.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 5:
Thirteen Things That I Am Looking Forward to This Summer

1. Days without rain, clouds, wind, cold temperatures or any combination thereof. Really, any day now…

2. The premiere of The Time Traveler’s Wife. I have read the book at least six times and have been waiting for the movie for forever. The trailer finally came out this week and it looks like the movie is going to be worth the wait.

3. Seeing my friends and family at the annual festival in Mayberry.

4. The return of Porch Night. We kicked off the season last night and, although the weather was slightly crappy, we still had a very relaxing time munching on baby swiss, white wine and fruit salsa with these cinnamon tortilla chips The Teenager made (to die for).

5. Another month of boxing class. I’m actually a little surprised by how much I enjoy the class. The fact that I spend all day Tuesday and Thursday looking forward to beating the crap out of something probably speaks volumes about my stress level but; boxing has actually made me much more pleasant to be around on my rare (but fierce) grouchy days.

6. The end of the Little League baseball season. I love watching my son play but, three and a half months is long enough and, football is just around the corner. Gah.

7. More weekends spent on the lake. You know, when the weather gets the memo about it being summer and all.

8. The first produce from my garden. The lettuce and spinach will be ready for cutting by this time next week. Everything else looks good and, fingers crossed, I might see some actual fruit for my labors. Or you know, vegetables. Whatev.

9. Going to Lake Powell with Chris and Jana. We are tentatively planning this for July which, knowing us, means we will be going in August. Either way, we are certain to have a good time and, having access to water that doesn’t freeze the children into a kiddie-pop two minutes after you throw them in will be a nice departure from the norm.

10. Did I mention days without clouds, rain, wind and crappy temperatures? I did? Well, it bears repeating.

11. Taking the kids the double feature at the drive-in at least a couple more times.

12. Cherries! Fresh, local cherries and, all the authentic, locally grown Olathe Sweet sweet corn that I can eat. If you’ve never had the pleasure of eating an ear of Olathe Sweet; you’ve never really eaten corn and I feel sorry for you.

13. The return of Big Brother. Hello, my name is Chelle and I am a trash televisionaholic.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Ran a Mile and a Quarter. Want. To. Die.

At least I can say that I wagered correctly-I did run the first half mile. Then, I walked a half mile. Then, I ran another half mile, walked a quarter of a mile and, when Hugh goaded me into it; sprinted the last quarter mile.

By the time we got back to our front porch I was wheezing like an asthmatic, my calves were cramping like a fist and my lungs burned as though they were on fire.

I am much improved today, a little sore but none the worse for wear. Of course, the soreness will increase exponentially as the day goes on, leaving me totally jacked up for boxing this evening.

On the other hand, I ran a mile and a quarter, I rulz!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Why, Yes, I Am a Glutton for Punishment. Why Do You Ask?

The police department has adopted a new set of physical health standards, one of which says that even Reserve Officers must be able to run two miles in under fourteen minutes; the new regulations kick in the end of July which gives Hugh about six weeks to comply.

Guess who agreed to train with him?

I have no idea what I was thinking; I’m forty, which is waayy too old to take up a new physical fitness hobby (shut up, boxing doesn’t count) and, if I were to take up a new hobby, running would be the last thing I would choose, in fact; I think the only two reasons to run are a) you are being chased and b) first one to the kitchen gets the last donut yet.... here I am.

We start training tonight. I have wagered five bucks that I can run a steady half-mile before I keel over dead from a heart attack need to walk. Hugh thinks he can do a full mile.

On the one hand, we will be participating in an activity together and that can only be good for our marriage. On the other hand, if we both die, who will look after the children?

Perhaps we should rethink this, I mean really, think of the children!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

And Miles to Go Before We Sleep

The Teenager stayed up all night last night. She and her girlfriends giggled and joked, snacked and gossiped. They occasionally settled down for a rest but, for the most part, they blazed through the night, wired on coca-cola, chocolate and the thrill of being together to watch the sun rise; not once did they get yelled at for their rambunctiousness.

In fact, Hugh and I, along with several hundred other people, praised their stamina and their dedication to a very important cause-the fight against cancer.

The Teenager and several of her friends participated in the annual Relay for Life fundraiser for Cancer Research. As a team, they spent the past couple of months raising money for the event, a car wash here, a yard sale there and, I’m very proud to say; their efforts netted over $1500.

At last night’s event, they raised additional money by being one of the most spirited teams on the track. (They were also the cutest team there but, that is neither here nor there and, I am bragging). The Teenager walked in memory of her cousin-my nephew-Mitchell and, she logged in just over twelve miles throughout the night.

By the time I picked her up this morning, she was exhausted, her feet were sore and her allergies were giving her fits but, she said that; if the money her team raised helps to save even one more life, it was well worth it.

As of last night, the world is twelve miles and almost $2,000 closer to that goal and, this mother has never been more proud of her daughter.

Friday, June 12, 2009

What’s This? Could It Be.... the Sun?

Shh…we don’t want to scare it away, better we ignore it and go about our business, that way; it might get comfortable and settle in for a bit.

Fingers crossed.

Rain or shine, today is going to be a busy day. We are hosting one of the Man-Cub’s baseball teammates on an all-day play date culminating in their baseball game later this evening. I have to go into the store for a few hours and, The Teenager has graciously agreed to watch the boys in my absence. I’m pretty well stocked up on ice packs and Band-Aids so; I’m sure they will get along just fine.

When I finish at the store, I’m taking the boys to the local library for a class on twisting balloon animals and then to the grocery store because; I know how to par-tay.

The Teenager, meanwhile, will be joining her Relay for Life teammates at the big event this evening and, with any luck; I will finish with the boys’ game in time to get some photos of the girls during the pajama lap-one of The Teenager’s favorite activities at the event.

Tomorrow will be another busy day; there is housework to do and about a dozen chores to attend to in the yard. For not having seen the sun in two weeks; my garden is doing well. The ladybugs are still there, feasting on bad bugs and providing the Man-Cub with something to search for when he gets bored. He has also managed to locate our resident bullfrog again this year and has made fast friends with a stray dog that visits the yard on occasion; he is nothing if not friendly, that one.

If I finish all my chores tomorrow, I might head to Neighboring City for a Sam’s Club run; we are out of just about everything that I normally buy in bulk and, now is the time to replenish.

Of course, having made these plans, the sun will shine, the temperature will rise and it will be the nicest boating day of the summer.... and we’ll miss it (shakes fist at the heavens).

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 4:
Thirteen Google Search Terms Leading to This Blog

1. Miss Congeniality Blog. Ok, this makes sense but hang on folks, they only get weirder from here.

2. Tooth Fairy Letterhead. I get this A LOT. No doubt, it is a term used by frantic mothers the world over, searching for a believable way to print out a letter of apology from the Tooth Fairy... Dear Little Billy, sorry I missed your house last night but the traffic over Tokyo was simply dreadful…I know of what I speak, having originally created the letterhead for a very similar purpose. As an aside, I still totally suck at being the Tooth Fairy.

3. Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m assuming people ended up here because I casually mentioned the fact that my college roommates and I, while being not very attracted to Mr. Gyllenhaal, would not kick him out of the bed. You know, assuming he ever gave any of us the time of day which, if he did, my money would be on my girlfriend, Reese, who looks just like Reese Witherspoon.

4. Plantar fasciitis digging with a shovel? I’m guessing the poor soul who Googled this was asking if one could get plantar fasciitis from digging with a shovel and; I have no idea. I got mine from wearing high heels for too long and from working out in improper shoes so, unlucky searcher, I guess if you were wearing heels while digging with that shovel than, yes, yes you can get plantar fasciitis from digging with a shovel. I hope you find a very nice orthopedics guy and the two of you work this out.

5. What is elaphantigo? Ha! I wrote about elephantigo once and I cannot begin to tell you how many searches have brought people to that post, hundreds, poor souls. I mean, I hope they were just curious and not suffering from symptoms or something. That would be just awful.

6. Redneck girl Chelle. Okaaay…I don’t consider myself a redneck. I mean, I don’t eat squirrel or sleep with my cousins. No offense to anyone reading this who does eat squirrel (I'm sure it's delicious. Tastes like chicken, right?) or sleep with their cousin (I'm sure he/she is lovely).

7. Bleacher butt. Finally, a condition I can relate to! Yes, I know bleacher butt, I suffer from it from February through November while the Man-Cub engages in wrestling, followed by baseball, followed by football and; I have one bit of advice: cushions. They can make or break your will to live.

8. Mother daughter activity. Well, here’s a hard one; generally the activity the Teenager and I engage in together most often is arguing and, I’m guessing; that wasn’t exactly what the searcher was going for. You might try going together to have your eyebrows waxed, followed by mani/pedis and a Starbucks run. Or, there is always a trip to the male strip club to consider. Just a suggestion.

9. Jackson, Mississippi parenting. I live in Colorado where I do all my “parenting” and cannot for the life of me figure out why this particular search would have ended up here. I can’t recall ever talking about Jackson, Mississippi, I’ve never been to Mississippi and the closest I have ever come to it is spelling it correctly in a spelling bee in the second grade.

10. Jana Harrison Boy Scout. Ok, even I am all WTF? on this one. No idea, whatsoever. I do, however, hope that Jana Harrison makes one hell of a fine Boy Scout, you go, girl!

11. Opi, Howdy Honey. Yes, I own Howdy Honey. No, I am not willing to part with it if that’s what you were hoping for. Try eBay.

12. Coffee porch. Well, I do talk about my porch an awful lot….makes sense, I guess.

13. Boys underwear. Move along, perverts, nothing to see here.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Porch Night Cancelled on Account of Rain


We did, however, take Jana out for a fabulous Mexican feast for her birthday so, all was not lost.

The boys’ baseball game was lost, however, by many, many runs for which I also blame the rain because, in case you haven’t sensed a theme in my posts of late; I am sick of the rain and must therefore blame it for any and every slightly crummy thing in the world.

Poverty? Blame the rain.

Crime? Rain.

Extra pound showed up on the scale this week? Rain.

Swine Flu? Yep, rain.

Feel free to add your own list of woes to the list, I guarantee rain will be to blame.


Monday, June 08, 2009


We finally had a smidgen of decent weather this weekend, mostly on Saturday which; worked out quite well for us since we went boating.

We didn’t fare as well at Friday night’s baseball game, where the wind howled and sent giant, rolling waves of dust across the infield and outfield, blinding and choking our boys but; we still managed to pull up from behind, losing by a mere two runs to a team that had handed our asses to us on a platter at a previous game this season. So, the improvement continues.

As I said, the weather Saturday was a lot more accommodating, not that we could have predicted it upon waking to dark clouds, cool temperatures and that ever-present wind but; we agreed to take our chances, loaded up the boat, the dog and the children and ventured to the lake.

Happily, the winds died down almost immediately upon our launch and, once we found a quiet little cove in which to anchor, we had several hours of sunshine during which Hugh and the children fished and I read a trashy novel from the library.

Once we were certain the weather would hold, the children braved the chilly water long enough to ride the tube behind the boat and the Teenager and the Man-Cub made their first attempts at wake boarding; both of them doing a serviceable job for first-timers.

Kaz, who was spending the weekend with us, was not interested in knee-boarding but I think she had a good time watching the Teenager‘s repeated face-plants and belly-flops into the water, as one would.

After a long day on the lake, we headed home, stopping for take-n-bake pizza along the way. Somewhere between the pizza place and home, we hit upon the idea to go to the drive-in to catch a double feature so; a quick inhaling of the pizza, a hurried cleaning of the boat and a stop for inexpensive movie candy and, there we were.

The movies were Star Trek (eh) and Angels and Demons (again, eh). Hugh and I managed to stay awake through both movies but, the kids were comatose in the back of the Tahoe before Kirk met Spock-boating all day having tuckered them out more efficiantly than a sedative.

(which is good to know for future reference)

Sunday was a lazy day at home. The weather was nice enough for me to work in my garden and the kids released this year’s hoard of aphid-eating ladybugs at dusk. Hopefully, they will find plenty of bad bugs to eat and the majority of them will stick around although, I’m guessing that at least some of them will need to move on to greener pastures-there were 2,000 of them after all.

So, all in all, it was a nice weekend. I’m hoping for good weather the rest of the week because I have Porch Night planned for Jana’s birthday and blustery weather does not fit into my Grand Plan. On the other hand, some of our neighbors over the mountains experienced actual tornados this weekend so, maybe I should just quit my bitching about the wind and clouds and count my blessings and; I will.

Right after Porch Night.

On a totally unrelated topic, last night, while Hugh and I were preparing dinner, there was a knock at the front door. When I answered it, there was a handsome young man on the porch, asking to see the Teenager. The Teenager joined the handsome (tallish, dark hair, blue eyes, skater-boy) young man on the porch for a few minutes than came back inside. When I inquired as to who the young man might be; she dismissed him offhandedly as a friend from school who just happened to be in the neighborhood and was bored so, thought he would stop by and say “hey”.

I may have been born at night but, I wasn’t born yesterday; that boy has a little crush and I told the Teenager so in as many words. I also mentioned that I thought he was quite cute to which she shrieked, Gross!! Mom! Eww! He’s just a friend!

Me thinks she doth protest too much.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Nothing to post here, today; I'm enjoying the first slightly sunny weekend (shh! Don't jinx it!) that we have had this month.

If you're really bored and want to hear more of my drivel (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!), I'm at Rocky Mountain Moms.

Hope you're weekend is as nice as mine has been, so far.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Is It Too Much To Ask For a Little Sunshine?

Sick. To. Death. Of. Rain.

Seriously, we have not had a cloudless day yet this entire summer. I realize that global warming is jacking up the entire world climate but, now; it is interfering with my ability to get a little color-just a titch, nothing dangerous- and I am not happy.

Also, the Man-Cub is quite concerned about the Polar Bears so, do what you can for the ozone layer, people; the Polar Bears and my suntan are counting on you.

So, yeah, I went to boxing again last night and I am one sore motherf*cker today. I still love it, in case you were wondering and, if you are searching for an alternative form of exercise, I highly recommend it. Last night alone, I burned a zillion calories doing three-minute circuits through the various stations; I have become accustomed to the sound of the ring timer and, according to the ex-boxer teaching the class, I have a mean left hook, already.

Bad men in dark alleys should fear me.

I should mention that one of the stations on the circuit consists of punching the shit out of a boxing mannequin (I have no idea what the correct term for it is; we just call him Bob) and it only took me a couple of timid punches before I felt confident enough to open up a can of whoop-ass; I am now perfectly comfortable beating the shit out of Bob's ugly rubber face.

Once again, men, dark alleys, fear.

Speaking of fear, I am now headed off to Pilates class. I want to get there early so that I can reclaim the spot that I usually use; one of the women from the Scary Pilates Clique stole it from me the week before last and I am bound and determined to get it back.

Unless she looks at me funny in which case, I am totally flexible and can use a different spot.

In case I haven’t mentioned it before; the women of Pilates are a lot scarier than rubber men named Bob. Or, anything else one might find in a dark alley, for that matter.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 3:
Thirteen Things That I Am Tired of Hearing

1. Rumors about Jon & Kate. Give these poor people a break, already.

2. Anything at all about Spencer & Heidi, who? They are celebrities, why?

3. Ditto, Brangelina. Gag.

4. Stories about Brangelina vs. Jennifer Anniston (My money will always be on Anniston)

5. Stories about Joan Rivers. Go away, and please take your freak-show of a daughter with you.

6. Anything to do with Paris Hilton, see # 2 on this list, she is a celebrity, why?

7. News reports about Swine flu, excuse me, H1N1. The whole brouhaha over this reminds me of the brouhaha over West Nile. And the Bird Flu. Oh, and SARS. Apparently the world needs an epidemic on its mind like, constantly.

8. News reports about the economy.

9. Disney “news” about The Jonas Brothers.

10. That Diet Pepsi will eventually kill me, or; at least the sweetener used in it will. Hey, we all gotta die of something.

11. The sound of rain on the roof. It is supposed to be summer, get with the program, Mother Nature!

12. My children fighting over the Wii remote. They have been out of school for less than two weeks; another two months of this will kill me faster than the Diet Pepsi ever could.

13. One more person telling me that children “grow up so fast!” I know they grow up too fast; I simply wish they would grow up without all the goddamn arguing.

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Surprisingly, the Only Thing To Get Hit Last Night Was a Punching Bag

Despite heavy rains last night, the Man-Cub’s team pulled out a major win over one of the League’s nastiest teams-not one of the best teams-one of the nastiest and; they did it with dignity and good sportsmanship.

The coaches from the opposing team were Not Happy with the loss and they were definitely not dignified nor were they good sports, in fact, the Head Coach threatened to kick Hugh’s ass after Hugh admonished him for treating the teenaged umpires with disrespect. An audible gasp rose from the bleachers upon hearing the threat and, when Hugh walked away from the little man; up went a collective cheer. I am, once again, stunned by the immaturity of some “adults”.

Our boys, on the other hand, were just tickled to death to have actually won two games in a row. Early on, we said this would be a “building year” for the team and we weren’t wrong; their skills have come so far, it is amazing and I can’t wait to see how well they all play together next year. Plus, we still have two weeks left in this season.

Two weeks, wow; the summer is already flying by. Too bad the weather has been so crappy; otherwise it might actually feel like we were having summer at all. As it is, I am holding out hope for enough warm-and dry- weather to pull off Porch Night next week; Tuesday is Jana’s birthday and I would really like to celebrate it with her in style. We’ll see, I guess.

On the other hand, the rainy weather has made it nearly impossible for me to deny the children the opportunity to fill balloons with water, place them on the trampoline and jump until they break, thus soaking the children. After all, the rain has already soaked the children and what harm is a little more water going to do?

On a topic related to the title of this post, I started boxing last night and; I think I’m going to like it. The other ladies in the class are just as clueless as I am and, unlike the women from the Pilates Clique, they are nice and welcoming.

The irony of the women in a boxing class being friendlier than the women in a freaking gentle yoga-pilates class is not lost on me, I assure you.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Timeline of a Girls Weekend


9:00 a.m. -12:00 p.m….Finish work at the store after trying, on fourteen separate occasions, to sneak out early. Threaten to chew own arm off if escape is delayed much longer. Rethink decision to chew own arm off-will need two arms for cooler lifting.

12:00 p.m.-1:00 p.m….Load the car. Remind self to pack the half-case of giant bottles of wine stored in the pantry. Kiss husband and children goodbye. Drive away without the half-case of giant bottles of wine. Turn around and retrieve said wine, plug in the iPod, crank up the volume, open the sunroof, squee like a schoolgirl.

4:00-5:00 p.m…Pull into the driveway of the cabin. Hug the crap out of Phoebe who was the first roommate to arrive. Pretend to be responsible adults by organizing the kitchen refrigerator while discussing celebrities and sex politics and the economy. Squee like schoolgirls when the second roommate arrives, hug the crap out of her, decide to call her Reese on the blog due to her uncanny resemblance to Reese Witherspoon. Openly bemoan the fact that we don’t have as much money as Reese Witherspoon. Agree that Jake Gyllenhaal is not all that but, yeah; we’d still do him. Unload the seven bottles of wine, three bottles of champagne and several six packs of beer that Reese brought with her; make more room in the fridge.

5:00-11:00 p.m…Drink a couple of six-packs of beer and a liter of wine while reminiscing about the good old days. Pass the phone around when Hugh and the kids call to tell us that the Man-Cub’s team won their first game (!). Repeatedly deny being drunk. Admit to being drunk; hope it doesn’t scar the children for life. Wish Hugh and the kids sweet dreams. Drink a little more wine; eat an entire bag of cherries, a container of spinach dip and a box of crackers between the three of us before declaring the attempt at drunkenness a success because Phoebe’s eyes have begun to cross when she laughs. Call it a night; fall asleep next to Reese even though there are more than enough beds to go around.


1:00 a.m..Wake to the sound of a hooting owl, momentarily wonder WTF? Remember that we are in the great outdoors. Realize that the hooting owl is actually the clock in the kitchen, which plays the sound of a different bird every hour. Wonder again, WTF? Fall back to sleep.

8:00 a.m. -4:00 p.m…Wake without an alarm. Join Phoebe and Reese for coffee. Join Phoebe and Reese for a mile-long run in the woods; wish for a quick death. Drive into the nearest town (20 miles away) for a superbly greasy cheeseburger. Meet Jules and Tee, the next two roommates to arrive. Jump up and down, squealing like schoolgirls; sense a pattern. Return to the cabin; unload from their car several six packs of beer, a couple of bottles of mixers, the Largest Bottle of vodka in the Free World and a bottle of Advil. Begin to fear for our brain cells.

4:00 p.m.-8:30 p.m….Welcome James, the final member of the party; commence with the squee-ing. Unload groceries from her car; openly bemoan the fact that she didn’t bring any alcohol like; seriously? No alcohol? What if we run out?

Forgive her. Take a leisurely stroll through the woods. Discuss the likelihood of being killed by a serial murderer while staying at the cabin. Agree that bear attack would be a more likely scenario since none of us will be having sex and everyone knows that sex is a prerequisite for being murdered by a serial killer in the woods. Lock the doors, anyway.

8:30 p.m.-11:30 p.m…Watch in awe as our girl, Tee, mixes Pometinis-vodka and pomegranate juice-using the Largest Bottle of Vodka in the Free World. Wonder if Tee ever learned about proper ratios in math class. Decide that she most certainly did not. Eat quiche. Brag about how grown-up we have become. Laugh at old jokes. Laugh at new jokes. Remind each other about Things Best Left Forgotten as well as Thing We Had Totally Meant to Remember. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Stoke the fire just a tad bit too high, declare heatstroke. Pass out, I mean, go to bed, as decent adults do.


7:00 a.m.-Whatever the Hell Time It Was When We All Passed Out-I mean, went to bed….Drink coffee, two cups, extra dark. Hike in the woods. Sunbathe on a giant rock. Take a trip into town for a new handle for the toilet because someone, and I’m not pointing fingers, has broken the old one. Cook chicken on the grill. Drive to the nearby waterfalls. Try not to pee my pants laughing at Tee’s description of her long, slender limbs as “Go-Go Gadget” arms. Tease Reese-without mercy-about topics too taboo to share outside of a Girls Weekend. Finish the Pometinis. Finish the wine. Eat chips and salsa until we think we might burst. Laugh until we cry. And then laugh some more.


7:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m…Clean the cabin, leaving it like we found it. Say goodbye; try not to cry. Fail. Drive down the driveway and away from the cabin in a sad little convoy. Miss each other immediately. Start thinking up ideas for Next Time.

Ah, Next Time.