Monday, June 01, 2009

Timeline of a Girls Weekend


9:00 a.m. -12:00 p.m….Finish work at the store after trying, on fourteen separate occasions, to sneak out early. Threaten to chew own arm off if escape is delayed much longer. Rethink decision to chew own arm off-will need two arms for cooler lifting.

12:00 p.m.-1:00 p.m….Load the car. Remind self to pack the half-case of giant bottles of wine stored in the pantry. Kiss husband and children goodbye. Drive away without the half-case of giant bottles of wine. Turn around and retrieve said wine, plug in the iPod, crank up the volume, open the sunroof, squee like a schoolgirl.

4:00-5:00 p.m…Pull into the driveway of the cabin. Hug the crap out of Phoebe who was the first roommate to arrive. Pretend to be responsible adults by organizing the kitchen refrigerator while discussing celebrities and sex politics and the economy. Squee like schoolgirls when the second roommate arrives, hug the crap out of her, decide to call her Reese on the blog due to her uncanny resemblance to Reese Witherspoon. Openly bemoan the fact that we don’t have as much money as Reese Witherspoon. Agree that Jake Gyllenhaal is not all that but, yeah; we’d still do him. Unload the seven bottles of wine, three bottles of champagne and several six packs of beer that Reese brought with her; make more room in the fridge.

5:00-11:00 p.m…Drink a couple of six-packs of beer and a liter of wine while reminiscing about the good old days. Pass the phone around when Hugh and the kids call to tell us that the Man-Cub’s team won their first game (!). Repeatedly deny being drunk. Admit to being drunk; hope it doesn’t scar the children for life. Wish Hugh and the kids sweet dreams. Drink a little more wine; eat an entire bag of cherries, a container of spinach dip and a box of crackers between the three of us before declaring the attempt at drunkenness a success because Phoebe’s eyes have begun to cross when she laughs. Call it a night; fall asleep next to Reese even though there are more than enough beds to go around.


1:00 a.m..Wake to the sound of a hooting owl, momentarily wonder WTF? Remember that we are in the great outdoors. Realize that the hooting owl is actually the clock in the kitchen, which plays the sound of a different bird every hour. Wonder again, WTF? Fall back to sleep.

8:00 a.m. -4:00 p.m…Wake without an alarm. Join Phoebe and Reese for coffee. Join Phoebe and Reese for a mile-long run in the woods; wish for a quick death. Drive into the nearest town (20 miles away) for a superbly greasy cheeseburger. Meet Jules and Tee, the next two roommates to arrive. Jump up and down, squealing like schoolgirls; sense a pattern. Return to the cabin; unload from their car several six packs of beer, a couple of bottles of mixers, the Largest Bottle of vodka in the Free World and a bottle of Advil. Begin to fear for our brain cells.

4:00 p.m.-8:30 p.m….Welcome James, the final member of the party; commence with the squee-ing. Unload groceries from her car; openly bemoan the fact that she didn’t bring any alcohol like; seriously? No alcohol? What if we run out?

Forgive her. Take a leisurely stroll through the woods. Discuss the likelihood of being killed by a serial murderer while staying at the cabin. Agree that bear attack would be a more likely scenario since none of us will be having sex and everyone knows that sex is a prerequisite for being murdered by a serial killer in the woods. Lock the doors, anyway.

8:30 p.m.-11:30 p.m…Watch in awe as our girl, Tee, mixes Pometinis-vodka and pomegranate juice-using the Largest Bottle of Vodka in the Free World. Wonder if Tee ever learned about proper ratios in math class. Decide that she most certainly did not. Eat quiche. Brag about how grown-up we have become. Laugh at old jokes. Laugh at new jokes. Remind each other about Things Best Left Forgotten as well as Thing We Had Totally Meant to Remember. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Stoke the fire just a tad bit too high, declare heatstroke. Pass out, I mean, go to bed, as decent adults do.


7:00 a.m.-Whatever the Hell Time It Was When We All Passed Out-I mean, went to bed….Drink coffee, two cups, extra dark. Hike in the woods. Sunbathe on a giant rock. Take a trip into town for a new handle for the toilet because someone, and I’m not pointing fingers, has broken the old one. Cook chicken on the grill. Drive to the nearby waterfalls. Try not to pee my pants laughing at Tee’s description of her long, slender limbs as “Go-Go Gadget” arms. Tease Reese-without mercy-about topics too taboo to share outside of a Girls Weekend. Finish the Pometinis. Finish the wine. Eat chips and salsa until we think we might burst. Laugh until we cry. And then laugh some more.


7:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m…Clean the cabin, leaving it like we found it. Say goodbye; try not to cry. Fail. Drive down the driveway and away from the cabin in a sad little convoy. Miss each other immediately. Start thinking up ideas for Next Time.

Ah, Next Time.


  1. I'm jealous! I love weekends like these with my girls. Glad it was amazing!

  2. That sounds SO fantastic. I love the mountains. Also drinking, so, that described my perfect weekend!

  3. And why wasn't I invited?????? Just kidding - but that is soooooo what I need right now!

  4. Ahhh, I am soooo jealous! Glad you had fun! And seriously though, what was with the mile run?!?! Hello, hungover exercising?!?!