Friday, March 21, 2008

Holy Cramping Uterus, Batman!

Dear Ms.Uterus,

Hi! It’s me, your host body! I’m just checking in with you about a few things and, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, what the hell is wrong with you? What is up with the constant cramping this month? Can I not have a decent night’s sleep, free from grinding, blinding, tooth-gnashing pain?

What the hell, Uterus? Have I not been good to you? Do I not shine the spotlight on you on an annual basis? And, ok, being swabbed with a giant Q-Tip may not be your idea of heaven, but, honestly, do you really think that I enjoy it? I do NOT! But, I do it! I do it for YOU! To ensure your health and well-being.

What. Is. With. The Hate?

Ok, sure, asking you to stretch to fifty times your regular size while incubating a human was a lot to ask (um…twice), but, honestly, don’t you think that Ms. Vagina had it far worse? And, do you hear her complaining? I didn’t think so. And, look! The Breast Twins didn’t exactly come out of that ordeal unscathed yet, they continue about their daily chores with nary a sigh. And, they are on constant display!

So! Here’s the deal, I am willing to concede to one day of cramping each month. In exchange, I will continue my annual pilgrimage to the lady doctor for your checkup. I am confident that you will see reason and will, therefore, agree to these terms. However, on the odd chance that you disagree; I will have no choice but to serve you with a notice of eviction and, the next time you see the Lady Doctor will be, well, the LAST time you see the Lady Doctor. I don’t want to do it, really, I don’t but, I think you need to seriously assess the motivation behind your campaign of torment against me.

aka: Your Host body.


  1. Ok, this totally sucks, but I gotta tell ya, this was funny and well written. : )

  2. Eh, I don't really recommend the Bahamas, at least Nassau, it's pretty dirty.

  3. Sorry about this- once a month is plenty for me, too! I am considering breastfeeding Eli until he is eating hotdogs and Doritos, in fact, just to keep the ole period at bay awhile longer!