Monday, March 03, 2008

If You’re Going to Run With the Big Dogs…

My weekend was exhausting thanks in no small part to the fact that my head still feels like it is stuffed with cotton. We can send a man to the moon, invent technology that allows us to track our children via satellite and eradicate previously deadly diseases and still we can’t cure the common cold.


Also mind-boggling: how anyone in their right mind would subject themselves to the torture that is Cub Scout leadership. Seriously, after experiencing the noise level and general chaos at Friday night’s Pinewood Derby; I am in awe and amazement at the Man-Cub’s Scout leaders. I’m also fairly certain that they are certifiable and, since they would probably agree with my assessment; it isn’t like I’m talkin’ smack.

The derby, while loud, out of control and mentally exhausting, was also a lot of fun. The Cub’s car, while very pretty awesomely manly to look at; was not exactly speedy. It wasn’t slow enough to take home Slowest Car honors, either but the Cub didn’t seem to mind one bit. In fact, once one of the other moms busted out the popcorn balls shaped like Easter eggs; I don’t think there was a Scout in the place who really cared about the race, competition was a distant memory unless you counted the contests to see who could stuff the entire popcorn ball into their mouth the fastest and really, can there be a winner in that contest?

(The correct answer is: yes, the child who manages not to choke on his snack)

Too bad the Scouts hoovered those eggs; we could have used them at the wrestling tournament Saturday and, not on the kids but, on their parents (to cure them of their competitive bullshit, not to choke them. Although….) .

Seriously, people, it’s Pee Wee Wrestling. There are no scouts in the audience just waiting to swoop in and sign your six-year-old. Get a grip!.

Whew! Sorry about that, didn’t mean to rant.

So…the Cub did really well at the tournament. His first competitor was -gasp!-a girl! And, if you don’t think my son thought long and hard about the playground consequences of losing to a girl; you probably don’t have a son.

Hugh and I coached the Cub to approach the match like he would any other, after all, the girl (or, her parents, who knows?) chose to compete in a sport that has traditionally belonged to the male of the species and, while I think girls have every right to challenge boys; they also have to play by the same rules and can’t really expect to be treated any differently than a boy would be treated.

Apparently, the Cub shares that conviction and he attacked that little girl just like he would have any boy. It wasn’t pretty in the end and, yeah….as the rednecks in my hometown would say; if you’re going to run with the big dogs, you can’t pee like a puppy.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I actually teared up right along with that little girl because; the Cub like man-handled her. I teared up even worse when, following the match, the Cub went right up to the kid, patted her on the back and said “Hey, it’s ok! You wrestle tough enough to be a boy!” I’m sure that’s exactly what her parents were going for)

In the end, the Cub wrestled his way to a second-place medal which would have been a first-place medal if not for a tiny error on the part of one of the officials. When the error was called to Hugh’s attention by the official after the other kid’s hand had been raised in victory; Hugh and the Cub agreed that it was no big deal. After all, the officials were High School wrestlers who cannot possibly be expected to call everything correctly and, as I said earlier; it’s Pee Wee wrestling.

Too bad one of the parents from a neighboring community didn’t see things the same way; the High School football coach had to physically eject him from the gymnasium for screaming obscenities at his own child as well as at one of the officials.

Obscenities at his own child!

Someone needed a popcorn ball, is what I’m sayin’.


  1. This is why I am dreading the age when our kids want to do competitive sports. I have a feeling it's inevitable, but I was raised in a house of four girls and no boys, and I think I am too sensitive for this stuff... I think I would have had to be ejected from the gymnasium for ATTACKING the man who was yelling at his kid!

  2. I do not understand how parents can get to that point. Your kid is trying their hardest, and even if they aren't isn't it supposed to be about having fun and learning social skills anyway??

  3. I managed to miss the Pinewood Derby this year by being out of town. My parents (and Eagle Scout brother) took A. I think he had a better time with them! ;)
    And neither boy is in "competitive" sports and neither one shows any interest thankGOD!