This is Why Your Mother Always Told You Never to Pick Up Hitchhikers

After dropping the kids off at school this morning and, yes; we are still driving them the two blocks to school. However, in my defense, The Teenager did the actual driving which counts toward the hours that she has to put in for her Driver’s Ed class so the trip wasn’t merely for the comfort of the children; it was educational.

Anyhoooo…after changing seats with The Teenager and waving both children a hearty goodbye, I prepared to pull out into traffic. Upon looking to the right to check for oncoming cars, I was greeted with an eyeful of this

                                      Actual size. Swear to God.

First thought: That giant-ass spider is hitching a ride on the outside of my car.

Second thought: Waiiiiittt a minute…that spider is hitching a ride in my car. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!

To my credit, I only peed a little.

Then, I slammed the car into park, picked up a magazine and began a five-minute exercise in ridding the car of its’ hairy trespasser; window down, just a titch, scoot spider with magazine, pee a little more, jump in my seat when the spider scurries to the opposite side of the window, put the window up a titch, rinse, repeat.

In the end, I managed to get the little bastard out of the car and I closed the window tightly, put the car in gear, waved apologetically at the seven cars stacked up behind me (yes! I became THAT parent!) and high-tailed it for home.

Halfway to the house I glanced to my right and spied this

Still clinging to the window, albeit on the outside,and staring at me with murderous intent. I could not have been more startled had he been waving a knife and wearing a hockey mask. Ok, maybe a little more.

Of course, by the time I got the car parked in the garage, gathered up the courage to get out of the car and grabbed the magazine to defend myself from the inevitable attack that would happen the second I exited the car; the bastard was nowhere to be seen, just like every horror-movie murderous hitchhiker ever represented on the big screen.

I am not kidding when I say that it is to my credit that I only peed my pants a little.

Also, always check the backseat before getting into your car; that's just solid advice right there.