Wednesday, March 10, 2010

As Martha Would Say, It’s A Good Thing

This entry is chock-full of mindless rambling, enthusiastic product endorsements and my obvious overwhelming need to talk about my biological functions but as, scintillating as the subject matter seems, I completely understand if you feel the need to punch out now.

Go ahead. Right now, before it is too late!

Oh well, you had fair warning, I shall now commence with the rambling.

This morning, as I was eating a container of blueberry greek yogurt, I managed to drop a sizeable glob onto my white blouse, creating a purple stain roughly the size of a half-dollar directly over my right nipple, proving once and for all that the Man-Cub comes by his slovenly eating habit naturally and sadly, not from his father as I have contended for the majority of his life (of course, that’s just between you and me, internet. Right?).

Anyway, fearing that my blouse was ruined I, did the natural thing by cursing loudly and flailing about my home office like an epileptic having a fit.

What? That isn’t how you would have handled the situation?

Then, I remembered that I had purchased one of those new-fangled Tide to Go pens while waiting in the cashier’s line at the Hellmouth a while back and that it was still in my purse, unused. So, I figured I would try it and, damned if it did not lift the stain right off my boob. Really, it was as if the spill never happened (spill? What spill? The Man-Cub gets his sloppy eating behavior from his FATHER, remember)! It was magic, y’all. So, there is only one thing left to say…

To the makers of the Tide to Go pen, my rack salutes you!

Sa-LUTE!

Hey, speaking of my rack, I appear to have gained a cup size overnight. And, while having the Boob Fairy visit might be YOUR fondest wish before going to sleep each night, it is not mine. In fact, I am quite annoyed with the actions of the fairy and feel that a serious ass kicking is in order should the opportunity to catch the little bastard ever present itself.

On the bright side though, Aunt Flo is due to arrive in a few weeks and, she will take the excess with her when she departs, thus, my cups will no longer runneth over.

In news not related to my breast size, Mother Nature finally got the memo about it being spring and we had a full five minutes of sunshine today. I am hoping for a continuation of the trend and thus may finally get a chance to wear one of the three new pairs of sandals that I have purchased in recent weeks. The possibility excites me to no end as I have been working steadily on my bottle tan and have finally reached a level of color closely approximating an early summer tan. Also, I am eager to show off my newly toned bicep, triceps, back and shoulder muscles in all the latest warm-weather fashions.

By the way, if you just thought to yourself, “My god! This woman is vain! And terribly shallow!” I believe the word I need to share with you is *duh*. A teaspoon has more depth, I assure you.

On the other hand, after two months of resisting the siren call of chocolate and with the advent of running, I have earned the right to my vanity and I shall swim in the shallow end of the pool for a bit, without shame. Today, anyway.

Tomorrow, the PMS could completely scare away my self-confidence and I could be back to my normal, self-loathing and critical self. Who knows! It’s the crapshoot that defines womanhood! Three cheers for the X chromosome!

Sa-LUTE!

3 comments:

Erika said...

I think next year, I should be Catholic, at least for lent. I need some MOTIVATION!

Erika said...

oh and doesn't running give you the tightest ass! I need to remember that as I sit on the couch doing NOTHING

Brian said...

I'm going to skip right over the biology report and hit the weather. I saw a forecast for out your way. I thin you're fooked. Better warm up the snow shovels.

Way to go, hanging in there with the workouts though. They WILL pay off!