Dear Lady Gaga,
I want to thank you for churning out fun and catchy songs that consistently fall in the 120-135 beats per minute range; they pull me through the last ten minutes of my run and have made it possible for me to complete four miles in forty minutes, a feat I never before believed possible.
As a token of my appreciation for your contribution to my achievement, I want to introduce you to a life-changing invention; here in America, we call them pants, the basic function of which is to cover your Downstairs Business.
Pants serve a number of additional functions as well, not the least of which is to keep you warm. They also serve to prevent the sight of your naked hoo-ha from causing strokes in the elderly population and can be used as a temporary floatation device in the event of emergency water-landings.
Pants come in a variety of styles, fabrics and colors and, I’m certain; you will find a pair that meets your satisfaction if you just try.
In the meantime, please keep making that awesome music and forgive me if I ban my children from watching your videos on MTV; I don’t mind if they listen to your music but I draw the line at my eleven year old son viewing your lady bits, digitally blurred though they may be. I'm sure you understand.
Nice try but, still not pants.