Wednesday, August 04, 2010

But It Looked So Good On the Dummy!

I am having a packing dilemma…I hate my wardrobe. I keep picturing myself frolicking about the Kingdom of The Mouse in the cutest outfits, things like madras shorts and crocheted peasant tops and, I actually own those things, in fact, I just bought them recently but…they look like shit on me which, blows my ever-loving mind because they looked so flipping cute on the store mannequin!

What is up with that?

I mean, it couldn’t possibly be the fact that store mannequins are traditionally a size 0 or, that the clothing is pinned onto them in a way that accentuates the line of the mannequin regardless of the way the actual garment is cut. It could be the fact that human flesh has a nasty tendency to, like, pucker and bulge and roll- I don’t care how skinny you are-and a mannequin’s flesh is about as malleable as marble because; everything looks better when stretched tautly over marble, just ask the Greeks and Romans.

Anywaaay…I am struggling to find items in my closet that:

A) Fit over my fat ass.

B) Look decent when stretched tautly over the hail damage that currently defines my thighs.

C) Are comfortable and seasonally appropriate.

D) Aren’t black.

Seriously, what is it with me and black? It really isn’t nearly as slimming as the fashion designers would have you believe and it absorbs the sun’s rays like my fat cells absorb Krispie Kremes; I need to embrace some color, methinks.

I've got it; I need to purchase a tropical patterned muumuu.

That would totally address all the items on the above list and I would have the satisfaction of knowing that not even a mannequin could make it look good.

Set and match.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, I need to end my love affair with black too. I realized the other day that even all my favorite maternity shirts are black. Which seems kind of creapy and Angelina Jolie-like.