Thursday, October 03, 2019

MENSA Calling...or Not

Today, I wore the cutest dress to work. It's a little floral number, with fun buttons and pockets, and I wore it with a distressed jean jacket, which; I thought, made me look quite hip and youthful.

The sheer nature of the fabric of the dress required that I wear a slip underneath, and, since I am no spring chicken, I chose to wear a Spanx slip/underwear combo thing that I have owned for several years. The Spanx is great for controlling all of my wayward bulges, rolls, and dimply parts, but, pulling it on and off is an exercise in and of itself; think, gymnast meets middle school wrestler meets snake charmer, and you have a fairly accurate description of the process.

So, today, when I made my fifth trip to the bathroom, mentally prepared for The Struggle, I was equal parts joyful and horrified to discover that there is, hand to God, a snap enclosure in the crotch.

After. All. This. Time.

Good grief.

On the bright side, just think of all the calories I burned wrestling myself in and out of that thing just to pee. A few hundred more and I probably wouldn't even need the damn thing.

Nah, I would still need it, because, in the immortal words of Truvy Jones, my ass "looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket", and, I may not be MENSA material, but I'm smart enough to know that  ain't a good look.

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