Dear Lady Gaga,

I want to thank you for churning out fun and catchy songs that consistently fall in the 120-135 beats per minute range; they pull me through the last ten minutes of my run and have made it possible for me to complete four miles in forty minutes, a feat I never before believed possible.

As a token of my appreciation for your contribution to my achievement, I want to introduce you to a life-changing invention; here in America, we call them pants, the basic function of which is to cover your Downstairs Business.

Pants serve a number of additional functions as well, not the least of which is to keep you warm. They also serve to prevent the sight of your naked hoo-ha from causing strokes in the elderly population and can be used as a temporary floatation device in the event of emergency water-landings.

Pants come in a variety of styles, fabrics and colors and, I’m certain; you will find a pair that meets your satisfaction if you just try.

In the meantime, please keep making that awesome music and forgive me if I ban my children from watching your videos on MTV; I don’t mind if they listen to your music but I draw the line at my eleven year old son viewing your lady bits, digitally blurred though they may be. I'm sure you understand.

Toodles!

Chelle

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   Nice try but, still not pants.