Chelle: Quality Parenting since 1996

-The Teenager’s stitches came out on Monday and the scar is barely noticeable. I purchased sunscreen for her to use throughout the summer in an effort to keep the scar minimal and, because I am easily entertained, I purposely chose the zinc oxide sunscreen that goes on-and stays on-white. I tried to convince her to attend school with it slathered on her nose lifeguard-style but she was having none of it. Her brother, on the other hand, was an easy sell, photos to follow.

-I got a voicemail from the woman who is “in charge” of the Eighth Grade Continuation party and, due to some interference on the line, was able to understand only every third word. I think the jist of the message was that I am expected to contribute sodas and a sweet refreshment to the party. Because I have no regard for the poor schmucks who actually volunteered to chaperone the dance, I am planning to purchase a case of Mountain Dew and a super-sized tray of extra-large, extra chocolate brownies for the festivities. The resulting hyperactivity won’t be my problem and, by the time The Teenager gets home, she should be ready to crash.

-Lately, the Man-Cub has been repeating a joke that he heard on television. The joke isn’t exactly appropriate for an eleven year old and the fact that he follows each telling of it with “I heard it on South Park!” probably doesn’t reflect super-well on my supervisory skills.

-We are cleaning out a storage room at the variety store, a storage room that hasn’t been organized in probably twenty or thirty years (NOT an exaggeration). Among the bizarre and freaky items we have discovered in the room were a couple of plastic busts, probably used to sell jewelry or sweater patterns or some such thing back in the day and; I carelessly allowed them to fall into the hands of the Man-Cub. “Boobies on aisle four!” is a refrain that one doesn’t typically hear….. unless shopping in our store.

-The Teenager asked me to help her pick out a tie for her boyfriend to wear to the dance Friday night. She wanted something that would match or compliment the dress she is planning to wear, the color of which is really difficult to match. When I suggested a tie in a paisley pattern, she made obnoxious retching noises while simultaneously rolling her eyes at me and, I swear to God, snorting (I give the move a nine out of ten for degree of difficulty and an eight out of ten for style). In response, I threatened to do her great bodily harm, possibly involving the use of the paisley tie in question and I did so loudly. And, with pantomime. In the aisle of JC Penneys, where people could see us.

-I found her embarrassment at the situation more amusing than distressing, a fact that left her rather...annoyed. And, I'm writing about it on the internet. That'll teach her to snort at me.