Wednesday, September 04, 2013

In Sickness and in Health

Yesterday, I visited my primary care physician to go over the results of my recent blood work. As expected, he placed me on a thyroid replacement. He seemed relatively confident that the tiny little pill, taken once a day on an empty stomach, will cure me of my Sleeping Beauty sickness. I'm not so optimistic (that pill is TINY), but, if he's right and I can finally make it through the day without wanting to curl up on the couch and take a nap, I'll be thrilled.

And, if balancing out my thyroid proves to be the magic cure for my recent inability to lose weight when following a healthy diet and exercise regiment, well, then, I might just have to kiss that doctor. Don't tell Hugh, though; we are celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary today and I'm not sure how well he would respond to me entertaining the thought of kissing another man.

Speaking of healthy diet and exercise regimes; I am part of a team of folks at work who are participating in a wellness challenge, sponsored by our parent company. The challenge required an initial team weigh-in, which, took place on a cattle scale at the local farmer's co-op. Which? Was slightly mortifying. Not quite as mortifying as the fact that my team of five weighed over 800 pounds, but, close.

The challenge lasts for eight weeks during which time we receive team points for a number of fitness activities as well as for documenting each time we swap a healthy item of food for a less healthy item. As team captain, I have been ruthless in reminding my teammates to document their swaps and, as a result, our team is in first place at the half-way mark. If, by the end of the challenge, we are still ahead in points, and, have not gained any weight, we will win a day off and a free massage for each team member. I'm absolutely convinced that we will win.

In addition to keeping my team members on their toes, I have executed a diabolical scheme to keep the competition on notice: this has included stealth placement of bakery goods in the communal kitchen as well as strategically placed mini candy bars (the desk drawers of the competition being a favorite destination for chocolaty goodness). We have also engaged in an epic battle of shit-talking and an "intimidation walk" around the office, with each member of the team sporting a custom tye-dyed bandanna bearing our team name: The Queen Beez.

It's been a lot of fun, and, not just for me and my teammates; the other two teams in our office building have gotten a number of good laughs as well as executing a few good come-back pranks of their own. So, we might all lose a few pounds, if all goes well. More importantly, we have all learned a bit about nutrition from the various seminars and reading assignments that have been required of us in order to earn extra team points.

Plus, how often do people get a chance to weigh themselves on a cattle scale?

Don't answer that.


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